BPDFamily.com

That’s for existing and being here everyone.

I found this site when I was halfway through “stop walking on eggshells” and realized I needed to have a more productive response to my BPD wife. Hearing everyone else’s stories, I realize that we’re very fortunate in many ways. We’re both in counseling (solo and marriage counseling) and only 8 years into marriage. I feel really fortunate that she is at least open to hearing she may have BPD. She’s pretty high functioning, and really I was in denial about her being BPD for a long time due to stigma about the diagnosis. We’re both in the health professions. So far the hardest part is realizing all I/she/we have already lost due to this disorder, I’m mourning pretty hard now and really have no close friends left in the area who I feel like I can lean on.

I’m in 100%, and really want to stop the cycle. I have two main things that I am struggling with:

1) Detachment - I have already been detaching emotionally whenever I even caught a whiff of a rage coming. I really want to repair an emotional connection, but don’t know if that’s realistic so early. I can totally detach with love, I have that down. What I’m struggling with is reattaching (?) without drowning or being emotionally traumatized again.

2) Score keeping
I have the worst memory when it comes to what she did to hurt me or what a fight was about. She can recount it play by play, which leaves me really open to manipulation. However, I just feel so much better letting go. On the other hand, now that we’re in counseling, I’m really eager to try to track the progress somehow, even just a “days since last rage/suicide threat/etc” calendar might just reassure me that there is or isn’t improvement.

Thoughts on whats been helpful?

Thayan,  Hang in there.  Your story and struggles are similar to mine.  I'm a newbe and looking for answers and suggestions too.

Hi and welcome Thayan! :hi:

I'm glad you've found us here, though I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to us. This is a supportive site full of people who "get it."

That's great that your wife is so open to things. So many people here aren't that fortunate, as you know.

1) I, too, dealt with detachment. I still pull away when I can sense my H is in one of his moods. In a way, that's been helpful because I don't react with panic or fear or anxiety the way I used to. But it can also be dangerous to the relationship. That healthy balance is hard to find and it's something I still struggle with. I try to embrace the good times while not forgetting that it's temporary. But I'll also be very interested to hear what others have to say.

2) Have you tried journaling? I started doing it late last year and it's been very helpful. It helped me clarify my own feelings and helped me to remember what happened and when. I tend to forget some things -- like a trauma response, really -- and having it written down is a good way to remind myself of how things can get, to look back and see what I can do differently, and spot patterns.
When he was in his big dysregulation phase, I also had a calendar (at work -- not someplace he'd ever see it) where I'd sort of chart his mood, looking for patterns and progress like you.

I hope you'll keep posting -- here and in other members' threads. You never know when you can help someone else.

Thayan,

Thanks for explaining about your experience with detachment and wanting to reattach. It is the same as what I experience but you put it in much better words than I could.

I agree that living in a world of being emotionally distant is not helpful for either us or the relationship.

I'm really struggling with this and would love to hear more what others say. One thing I have been trying is to remember a positive trigger to call to mind when I find myself being emotionally cold and want to connect. For me, this positive trigger is to remember the horrible things that have happened to my BPDh in his lifetime. When I remember all the horrible things he has been through, it helps me to reach out to him in genuine warmth.

I forgot to say, regarding score keeping. I don't like to keep scores or remember either, but because my BPDh tends to manipulate what has happened in the past, or even forget what we fought about, I've found it helpful to occasionally record what happened during his times of worst anger. It helps to keep me sane, to look at my notes of what happened, and to be able to tell him what I know is true and not accept his "blow by blow" or summary of things that happen. It makes it easier to say "Yes I did do that bad thing, and I'm sorry I hurt you. Neither of us are perfect. You hurt me when you said and did X. I'd like to work on moving forward so we both feel loved and at peace".