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I'm feeling really down on myself since this weekend.  Let's just say the perfect storm of outside things, not just my relationship with my uBPDw. 

Help me understand...she moved out about 2 months ago, after 2 months of her saying she was leaving and wanting a divorce after one small fight back in June.  I had a very rough weekend, with family issues etc...like not just one thing, but 6 different major things came down all at once.  So I go for a ride yesterday, late afternoon, to process somethings.  My W had come by my house and I had just left, she blew up my phone, I didn't answer because I was in a very bad state and I shut it off for ONE hour.  I turned my phone back on to 5 missed calls from her, several from all of my kids and a whole bunch of text messages and her location being off.  I sent her a text later last night saying I was sorry but I was in a bad place and couldn't see her or talk to her right then.  She didn't respond.  I texted her this morning and explain why I was so upset.  I totally took all the blame for it and how things that have happened are my fault and I wasn't blaming her.  She won't respond.

I shut my phone off for one hour.  One hour.  Now she won't talk to me?  She's left me, she's moving on with her life.  Doing things we use to do as a family, traditions, with her new BFF's...and she won't talk to me?  I'm at such a low point right now and I really need her.

SH4

i think that youre missing the big picture of what is happening in your relationship.

your breakup/separation wasnt just over one small fight.

her reaction/cut off wasnt just because you shut off your phone for one hour.

all of this is happening in a vacuum.

as i said in your other thread, your ex is not in any state of mind to be a source of emotional support right now. it sucks. it isnt fair. but her problems are too big. think of it this way: if one of your parents just died, you wouldnt be in a place to be much support to someone else.

shes spending more time with her friends right now because those relationships are safer, and less emotionally loaded. as much as possible, to get on a better trajectory, you want to change that impression.


leave it here when she doesnt respond. shes not in a place to hear explanations about why youre upset. you dont need to take all the blame for shutting your phone off for an hour.

these things are only increasing the sense of conflict between the two of you; its pushing her away. the first step in getting on a better trajectory is to stop the bleeding.

build a support system that is independent of her. you need your strength, and emotional balance.

Hi Once Removed,

Can you tell me more about this last bit?  About changing that impression...I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

Thanks,
SH4

right now her interactions with you feel like conflict, like pressure, like pain.

these are things she is fleeing from. friendships dont come with that. theyre a refuge.

you want to be seen as a source of strength, of stability, of safety.

there are a lot of pointers in this article. its for parents of a child with BPD, but a lot of it speaks to what you are going through, and what it takes: https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

Thank you Once Removed,

I will read it.  She did a BIG spiral yesterday...accusing me of all kinds of crazy things, saying I orchestrated tall the events (that were totally out of my control) this weekend to ruin her vacation this week and that I am a sick twisted person for doing that.  I sat there with my phone in my hand and my jaw dropped.  I literally did nothing.

SH4

what did she say?

the more detail, the more we can help.

She said a lot when she spiraled last weekend.  She said I planned the whole thing with my cousins telling me they are moving out of my apartments and buying a house and the stuff with her daughter and the cat just so I could ruin her vacation week.  More happened this weekend.  I'm going to update on my other thread.

SH4