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Title: Is she splitting me white, or is it for real this time? Post by: Gaasden on October 17, 2019, 08:05:57 AM I've posted about her before, but it's gotten to the point where it sounds like that she's ready to commit.
In short, we met through work earlier this year and started out as great friends. I began falling in love with her, which I later told her. She didn't know whether she felt the same about me initially, so we went back and forth between being friends and lovers. We never had sex, however, but we did kiss, make out, touch each other, and sleep together. There were a few times where we intentionally broke contact. Either because she needed space away from me to figure out whether or not she actually liked me in that way or not. Or it would be me that needed space away from her to calm my feelings for her down because we agreed to be friends "from now on". She's hooked up with a few guys and dated two of them in the time that I've known her. She dumped both guys in favor of me, and we indirectly became exclusive with each other. Even though we kissed and slept together etc. (no sex), we didn't label our relationship as anything else than a friendship. One day, the guy that she had previously dated texted her and explained that he couldn't get over her. She told me that she wanted to get back together with him, but only as friends with benefits because she genuinely isn't interested in him beyond sex. I explained that I wasn't comfortable with being her so-called "emotional tampon", but that is was fine by me as long as we stopped doing non-friend things together. In other words, I told her that I wanted to stop all intimacy between us if she wanted to hook up with the other guy and that it's for my own sanity's sake. The day after, she texted me that she felt like we couldn't remain friends without the intimacy. She explained that "we're so attracted to each other that we can't keep our hands away from each other, which is why we can't be friends anymore". She proceeded to block me from all social media and not pay me any attention whenever we bumped into each other. A couple of days later, she texted me again telling me that she had been so stupid to pick him instead of me. She explained that nothing ended up happening between the two of them and that she's in love with me. She let me look through their texts to prove that nothing ended up happening between them (which I can confirm). She also explained that she felt like she needed to escape in him to not fall madly in love with me. She's afraid that if it doesn't work out between us that she'll lose me forever. We've spent every day together since then, and we've gotten more intimate with each other than ever. There's been a couple of nights where we've talked about us and why she's so hesitant to get serious with me.
She explained to me one night, however, that she's ready to go all in with me and that I'm stuck with her now. She wants to be more "girlfriend-y" around me (we've started kissing each other goodbye for example). We had stopped kissing after going back to being "just friends", which she explained is because kissing made it feel more real to her. She's even told me that she's seriously considered removing her relationship status on Facebook. On Sunday, she'd like me to move in with her for two weeks or so to see if I can handle her bad days among other things. Title: Re: Is she splitting me white, or is it for real this time? Post by: Gemsforeyes on October 17, 2019, 04:23:41 PM Dear Gaasden-
Welcome to our community. I’m very glad you’ve found us, as I feel this will help you as you navigate your way through the relationship with your BPD friend / girlfriend. From this post and your two prior posts, I need to say that I do NOT believe you suffer from “fear of abandonment”. Despite the fact that at 21 you’re still a virgin and haven’t truly “dated” anyone, you don’t need to apply a behavioral “trait” to yourself. Your pwBPD has rolled back your relationship a few times during the last several months to actively date and have sex with other guys. Yet you gracefully stepped back, did not panic, beg or chase her down. So no, you do NOT suffer “fear of abandonment”. It appears to me that at this point you have a HEALTHY self-worth, a healthy notion of Your identity on your own. Hang onto to this with all your might, my friend. Second, I’m glad you’re reading our site... and I urge you to gain as strong an understanding of BPD as you can. Your pwBPD has already “cycled” through quite a few guys in the time you’ve known her. Her feelings, both the good feelings and the bad feelings are felt to extremes, and they are felt “in the moment”. So where she may be in love with you NOW, tomorrow morning she could feel engulfed by these feelings and shut them down. Shut you out. That doesn’t mean she didn’t love you when she said it. Read other posts here. Finally, the cutting. That’s bad. What kind of therapy is she ACTIVELY engaging in? If none, I would proceed with great caution. And if she’s NOT in therapy, do you know why NOT? None of us... not at age 21 or 61 are trained to handle self-harm or worse... the suicide threats that come when self-harm escalates. We all want love, and I do know... our pwBPD can be charming, wonderful and full of love. And devastating. We cannot “love them to wellness”. We can use communication tools to improve our relationships, but we cannot STOP destructive behavior. We cannot control our partners from leaving us for other lovers. And we cannot keep them honest. So if possible, take things slowly, try to keep your jealousy in check, and build your strength. Please try to retain your independence and your base of separate friends.. your support system. And remember, you didn’t cause her illness; and you cannot cure her. Please keep posting. Warmly, Gemsforeyes |