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I am wondering what would have been the most strategic and loving thing to do in this situation.

BP husband, I and our 1 year old son put aside Saturday afternoon to spend time together as a family. We planed to visit an orchard and then swing by a hardware store where I need to get some curtain rails for the house. Both husband and I are tired, having worked hard all morning. A few seconds after we pull away in the car as a family, my husband who is speaking softly (a habit when he is tired) says something about the mirror above the 1 year olds car seat. It takes me a moment to figure out what he said and my husband gets impatient. My not “listening” to him when he speaks softly is one of the biggest triggers for him. My husband asks another question, and I can’t hear him. I look at him, frozen, scared and not replying. My husband knows I didn’t hear him and swings the car around, starts screaming and swearing at me about how I “never change, don’t love him, I’m a F*cking terrible person”. I say “please don’t swear at me in front of our son”. He replies “He knows his mom is a F*cking terrible wife”.

Husband pulls out of the driveway and demands that I get our son and get out of the car. “I’m taking the car and getting away from you” he says. I refuse. “No”, I say, “if you want to get out of the car you can, but we will go out and use the car”. My thinking here is that husband can have time alone a number of ways but I need the car with car seat to get to the hardware. I won’t have another chance for a while and finding a time to do this task is going to add to my stress going into the new week.

Husband storms into the house (he has my car keys). I spend some time in the front yard with our son then go inside and ask him for the keys. Husband throws the keys into the hallway and yells and swears at me.

I take car and our son to the hardware store. About 15 minutes into the drive, my husband texts me to say, that as I’ve frustrated his desire to get away in the car, he is going to watch porn for a release. (Husband has not watched porn for about 2 years and feels better when he does not. He also knows that I appreciate that he doesn’t watch it).  I know that this is probably only a threat, but call him anyway to talk to him about it. We talk on the phone. In the conversation, I say that I’m willing to admit that the listening problem could be my fault, but if it is, I have no idea how to change it. Husband often compares my not listening to him watching porn “both are bad habits and I stopped my habit so now its time to stop yours”. Its not a good conversation but I’m getting better at these.

Husband hangs up phone, I come back in about 2 hours. Husband wants to be alone and shoots me death stares when I creep into the bedroom to grab a sweater. Husband goes into shut down mode for about 3 days.

So my question is: Where should the limit be with adjusting my self-care to accommodate his demands in the midst of a fight? If he tells me plans are changed and he’s taking the car, or another common demand, he’s sleeping in our bedroom, but I am not allowed to, is it a good idea for me to say “No. I understand you want separation right now, but I am not going to change my plans to help this family/ get a good night sleep /etc. You are welcome to sleep in another room. You are welcome to take a bus or an uber, but I will take the car” etc. Or should I try to show him love by going the extra mile and accommodating these requests?

Dear blue_w-

I’m sorry for what you and your child had to witness, and the pain you’re going through with your BPDh.

I believe given the circumstances on Saturday, you did the exact correct thing.  You knew what you needed to do for your family, and that you’d not have another chance to get to the hardware store anytime soon, and you stood by that boundary.

I also think that the fact your BPDh gave the keys to you (even though he threw them into the hallway), he knew it was right to allow you to go.  Still, in his disordered way of thinking, he needed to “make a scene”, call you names and somehow ? equate speaking too softly with watching porn?  In his shame, he just couldn’t bring himself to say, “I’m sorry, honey... I was wrong...”. So sad, isn’t it?

That makes no sense to me...  but our pwBPD don’t reside in our logical world.

So blue_w... my advice, and this is only me... would be to stick with the boundaries as YOU see them.  You need a good night’s sleep, and your bedroom is where that is provided, then that’s where you sleep. 

So yes, you kindly state to your H that in order to properly care for your H and your child, good sleep is vital.  If your H needs separate sleep, he can sleep elsewhere, you’d love to share the bed, and that’s HIS choice.  Your boundaries represent your values.

When you bend a boundary too far, he will continue to push on other things too much.  Once he begins to learn that his behaviors are hurting HIM, he may begin to back off.

Also, if he’s speaking so quietly that you cannot hear him, you do NOT have a “listening” problem, he has a “speaking problem”.  You are allowed to inform him that you knew he was tired, but your hearing just isn’t as good as he may think.  During a calm time, perhaps practice volume with him so he knows at what volume you can and cannot hear his voice.  There are a LOT of notches between a whisper and a scream.

Is the vulgarity around your baby a new thing?  Is his threat about watching porn a “trigger” for you if he feels badly about himself after he watches it?  Can you provide some color about these issues?

I know this isn’t easy, my friend.  I hope you have a support system to spend some time with, to laugh with; and I really do want to commend you on how well you responded on Saturday.  Good job!

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes