BPDFamily.com

 :help:

My mother and I have always had a tense relationship. She has BPD, though she refuses to do anything about it (every time it's diagnosed she lives that practitioner for a new one). We have not seen each other in 2 years, though I have seen my father more recently. After a 2017 Christmas disaster that involved her screaming about my long-term boyfriend's parents --and then refusing to attend Christmas at their house and burning the calendar I'd made and given to her-- things have been especially challenging. This outburst led to 8 months of silence between her and me, and my father's 3rd (unsuccessful) attempt to divorce her. I was frustrated when he ultimately gave in, again, to say the least.

Anyway, my parents (who currently live on the opposite side of the country from me) are moving nearby next month --only 40 minutes away. They come next week to close on a house and are moving permanently the week before Thanksgiving. I'm so anxious; to say I'm dreading it would be an understatement. To make matters worse, this move is causing considerable tension in my boyfriend's family. His mother, D, wants to offer my mother another olive branch and the rest of us feel it is not worth the ultimate explosion. I offered D some books to help her understand BPD, so I hope that reading those will help her understand my hesitancy and desire to distance myself (and how almost-impossible that is).

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to mitigate the situation and I don't know how to face the holidays without allowing her to ruin another one. Thoughts?

When you say, "His mother, D, wants to offer my mother another olive branch" is she talking about inviting her to Thanksgiving dinner? If that's the case, do you think she would even come?

Having your BPD mother and enabling father move that close to you is certainly a stressful situation. My husband's BPD ex moved 1500 miles to live less than a mile from their daughter and grandaughter, in spite of D telling her mother that it was a bad idea. She had a lot of stress about the proximity and the potential influence over the then 5-year-old grandaughter.

We did a lot of preparatory work on boundaries.

What boundaries do you have in place now? What do you anticipate might need to change regarding those boundaries when your mom is living so close? What might need to change about HOW you enforce those boundaries? What new boundaries might be needed?

I do think she would come... She tends to alternate between hating them and stating that she doesn't recall anything bad happening during Christmas '17.
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The most prevalent issue we've run into regarding boundaries is that she does not respect them and as a result I have trouble enforcing them. It seems the only boundary that worked to an extent was completely cutting her off. My partner and I don't have kids, but we will in a couple years and I've told both parents that they will not get to see their grandchildren if my mother doesn't seek counseling to help her work on the BPD. I will not expose another generation to that kind of toxicity.

Do you have suggestions? How did you enforce boundaries?

Sometimes it's easier to talk about boundary enforcement by describing a specific situation. Can you give a couple of situations where your mother violated a boundary? What was the boundary, what did she do, how did she respond, what happened that caused you difficulty in enforcing it?

We've heard of many types of boundary violations -- sometimes it has required changing the locks on the house, sometimes not picking up the phone calls when excessive, etc.

In my honest opinion, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for her offer that olive branch unless your mom is seeking treatment. I know the anxious feeling deep in the gut when you are waiting for something to happen, and praying that it doesn't. To me that is the worst, and the fact that she says she doesn't recall what her action were on Christmas '17... it just sounds like the whole situation could repeat it's self. In the end, it's your decision and if you are not comfortable with it then you need to voice it.

I hear your frustration and concerns about having your mother with BPD moving nearby because she doesn't honor your boundaries and it seems your father is under her control. You are wondering how you are going to deal with it, and have concerns about what will happen when you have children. I would say that the most important thing is to work on reinforcing your inner strengths to set limits with your parents that feel empowering to you while finding ways to be less negatively affected by your parents behaviors which takes time and patience. Know as you continue to work on you, that it will become easier and easier to set the boundaries with your parents without feeling so overwhelmed or upset for long periods of time.