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Title: Could this be her fear of engulfment? Post by: magic78 on October 24, 2019, 03:59:20 AM I have posted here various times with some great help so thanks.
I am just pondering something as we do & wondered if someone could give me some insight? My most recent post was about my ex & how she said that she broke up with her most recent ex to get back with me. This woman I know is manipulative & she will lie to get her own way. Her Mother is exactly the same so I guess it is learned behaviour. As far as I am aware people with NPD lack empathy but people with BPD can be truly caring & very emotional. As my ex can be dishonest I have no idea if she has really got back with her ex. She was very adamant that she would never get back with her ex because she had caught him talking to another women. This as now changed to that she broke up with him first because of me & then he got drunk & chatted to another women who was actually his best mates wife. This is how much the story has changed over the weeks. I am now thinking that she was getting emotionally attached to me again & because I was making no attempt to rekindle the relationship she has made the whole thing up about getting back with her boyfriend so that she can detach herself & I wont keep the lines of communication open with her. She is kind of protecting herself because I know she can be very emotional. Could this be her fear of engulfment? Or maybe she is hoping that this last ditch attempt will have me confessing my love for her & begging her to give it a go again? What are the chances of her returning? I have plenty of experience of her telling me to leave her alone or that I am dead to her or telling me to delete her number & f**k off only for her to return after a few weeks. Title: Re: Has she eperienced a fear of engulfment? Post by: Pytagoras on October 24, 2019, 04:50:18 AM Hello magic78,
It's hard to say what she may be feeling / thinking. All your hypotheses are valid. She may be doing this in order for you to chase her, or she may be doing this to detach, because she may think you are not good to her. Or she may be doing this because she don't really know what she is feeling (emotional lability). Or, maybe, it's because she wants to make sure you are there for her (safety net). It can be consciously manipulative. It can be unconscious... It's really hard to say, given the emotional unstability of BPD. What we can say is that her way of communicating her feelings / wants / needs is very imature / not assertive and she let you be there thinking and trying to guess what's happening, wich is, by the way, a sign of co-dependence by your part. It is, of course, something very difficult do avoid ( i, myself, obsess a lot thinking in all the possibilities ). The more you think of, and be involved with this kind of uncertainties, the more you are tangled in the net. What do you want from this situation? What do you feel like doing? Title: Re: Has she eperienced a fear of engulfment? Post by: magic78 on October 24, 2019, 06:04:03 AM Hello magic78, It's hard to say what she may be feeling / thinking. All your hypotheses are valid. She may be doing this in order for you to chase her, or she may be doing this to detach, because she may think you are not good to her. Or she may be doing this because she don't really know what she is feeling (emotional lability). Or, maybe, it's because she wants to make sure you are there for her (safety net). It can be consciously manipulative. It can be unconscious... It's really hard to say, given the emotional unstability of BPD. What we can say is that her way of communicating her feelings / wants / needs is very imature / not assertive and she let you be there thinking and trying to guess what's happening, wich is, by the way, a sign of co-dependence by your part. It is, of course, something very difficult do avoid ( i, myself, obsess a lot thinking in all the possibilities ). The more you think of, and be involved with this kind of uncertainties, the more you are tangled in the net. Yeah I have no idea what she is actually feeling / thinking. But her behaviour is as you say very immature & she did say that she had matured a lot over the last year! This does show my co-dependency & the reason I am still tangled up in this mess. Why am I even sat here pondering all these possibilities? I guess it's because I feel I can fix things if only I knew the answers. I am currently reading stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist & I am finding it of great help to show me my thought processes. What do you want from this situation? What do you feel like doing? I get the question or similar "What do you want from this" when I post questions & that question in itself makes me feel really uncomfortable. It feels like everything is then my responsibility which makes me feel really uncomfortable & the truth is that I have no idea what I want to be honest. I feel like just leaving it now & see what happens. My gut feeling is not to get into a relationship with her again. But my heart says otherwise! Title: Re: Could this be her fear of engulfment? Post by: Skip on October 24, 2019, 07:05:42 AM Feeling engulfed is feeling smothered by a person or the demands of a relationship. It is feeling a loss of autonomy, freedom.
Her reaction sounds more protective - as in fear of abandonment (which is fear of being vulnerable and hurt). She was putting herself out to you and you are not engaging it. Now she is pulling back. Anyone would do this (pull back). A person with BPD traits tends to over emote, and that is what you are likely seeing. She has to discount you (paint you black) to minimize the feelings of loss or abandonment. That's a lot of jargon. Plain language... She feels vulnerable so she is exiting to avoid getting hurt. "You can't fire me, I quite". Does that sound right? Are you done with her? Title: Re: Could this be her fear of engulfment? Post by: magic78 on October 24, 2019, 07:19:49 AM Feeling engulfed is feeling smothered by a person or the demands of a relationship. It is feeling a loss of autonomy, freedom. Her reaction sounds more protective - as in fear of abandonment (which is fear of being vulnerable and hurt). She was putting herself out to you and you are not engaging it. Now she is pulling back. Anyone would do this (pull back). A person with BPD traits tends to over emote, and that is what you are likely seeing. She has to discount you (paint you black) to minimize the feelings of loss or abandonment. That's a lot of jargon. Plain language... She feels vulnerable so she is exiting to avoid getting hurt. "You can't fire me, I quite". Does that sound right? Are you done with her? This makes perfect sense! I explained to her that we had reconnected & I was happy been friends for the time being but would like to see how things progressed. I also explained that I had a lot of personally issues going on at the moment with my son & he was my priority so I tried to be as honest & open with her as I could. In answer to your last question. I don't know. She has proven that nothing really has changed & although she said that her previous behaviour was due to immaturity it doesn't appear it was or at least it has not got any better. I think deep down I know this distance is for the best but you know I still miss her, hope things could have been different. |