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Having one of those days.

So, I am in the process of planning a trip to see sister and dad who are 5 hours away, and SO has gone into being unreasonably difficult mode.

I say 2 days, she says 7, I say hotel, she demands sister  provide us housing for all six in my sisters small house. Which is not an option. If none of her demands are not immediately agreed to immediately without hesitation, she storms off without any negotiation, it’s all my fault, demanding apologies for everything.

Sorry.  I can say after 23 years, the holidays suck.  I think if we could do a "Friends-giving" board game night, we'd do a lot better.

BPDH always starts to ramp up come this time of year.  He used to wait until Halloween was passed, this year and last he started right before. 

I do all travel planning, but need to confirm things with him likes dates and such.  I wait for "the good time" to ask.  Usually, while he's eating or just after if there is nothing else he is engaged in, like watching TV.  Before he eats he's usually cranky. 

In your case, I'd see if using SET (Sympathy Empathy Truth) or DEARMAN (not as familiar with this one) to communicate.  I think there are articles in the Tools about using them.

There are facts to be communicated, but they have to be stated in a way that acknowledges (not agrees) with her feelings.  Also, I
m not sure what your schedule is like, but I certainly don't get enough time off for 7 days at Thanksgiving.  Or have the money to stay in a hotel that long. 

Maybe:

I know you'd like to stay longer and save money by staying with my sister.  I think we can consider a few options. 

Since she doesn't have enough bedrooms and bathrooms for 6 of us to be comfortable for any length of the visit (mentioning the imposition on your sister isn't going to work, here, not with a person focused on their own wants and needs, so use those) and being gone so long at this time of year could be bad for home security (whatever makes sense, lots of break-ins DO happen at this time, part of my H's concerns) / I don't have that many days off ... Could we think about:

-Staying just 2 days at sister's house, then come home and enjoy rest of time off?
-Staying just 2 days at sister's house, 1-2 more in a hotel and come home to enjoy rest of time off?  We can put up the tree earlier (something)?
-Staying 3-4 days in a hotel?  (one-two extra days shows you're thinking of what she wants) and come home to enjoy rest of time off?

If none of this works, I guess we just can't go.  7 days in a tiny house won't be a nice trip, a hotel would be m,uch better but we can afford maybe 2-3.  Remember we need a day to drive up and one to get back. 

To be honest, if it's 6 going one way and 2 at the other, I'd almost say what about offering to pay the way for your dad and sister to come to you?  (Not sure if the sister is married or has kids.)  Is that an option?

Thanks Isilme,

Thanks again for advise, got it worked out. She got back to baseline after about 30min, she was too gone for SET, one of those topics that get to 10 at light speed, and the accusations, demands for apologizes start.

Been a bit exhausted, so will try and muster up some energy for more affirmation and empathy, can easily forget when tired.

I now have logistics worked out and backup plan if something comes up last minute.

Tried getting sister to come visit, but she has her health issues, dads starting to get up in years,, otherwise yeah, much easier to have them come to us.

yeah, for years it was easier for 2 ppl to travel to we 6 up here.  But now the parents are immobile, they rarely even move from the living room, don't go anywhere except the doctor.  They are just barely hitting 70, been this was for about a decade.  :(

Back up plans and back up responses to the start of dysregulation are all good to set up before they are needed.  I need a few, myself.  Gotta just make it to New Years.