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It's been over 3 years since I divorced my ex (NPD/BPD). He recently sent my mother a postcard telling her how great his life is without me, what a horrible person I am, and so on. He and my mother rarely spoke during the 20 some years we were married. She doesn't even live anywhere close by.

During the divorce, he tried many times to isolate me from my friends and family with multiple smear campaign attempts. It didn't work. My friends and family have blocked him on social media and don't associate with him whatsoever anymore. Any ideas why he did this? Why my mother? It seems weird and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. Maybe somewhere deep down he seeks approval from my mother possibly because his mom is NPD and criticizes a lot. My mother is the opposite of his mother.

Also trying to figure out why it bothers me. Possibly because my mom went through a lot with my dad (deceased 20+ years ago). He was NPD and abusive and my ex's actions sometimes can trigger her.  Maybe he's actually miserable and is lashing out at those closest to me because he's not getting any reactions from me that he wants to see.

He's just reaching out trying to engage you.  Remember negative attention is still attention.  Ignore it.

Why does it bother you?  He's inserted himself into your life/thoughts and it is an intrusion. Let it go and move on.

My partner has been separated/divorced from his uBPDxw for over 10 years and their daughters are adults.  His uBPDxw still calls him for this or that and often the same thing over and over, every few months and had done so over a period of years.  It's like "Hi"  :hi: "I'm still here!"  "Hi"  :hi: "Give me your attention!"  "Hi"  :hi: "Listen to me!"   :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi: :hi:...   :( Annoying but that's it.  My partner engages minimally.  Then it is quiet until it isn't.

Panda39

Dear IATF-

I’m sorry that your exH upset your mom and you and has attempted to interfere with your life.  He sure did make some effort to do this!

My take is that what makes you “horrible” is that you actually  had the “gall” to leave the marriage and a wonderful guy like him.  And you stayed away.  Oh shame shame...  and his life is oh so great, that he took the time to gloat in a postcard to your mom?  I think not.

And sadly, he chose your mom because yes, you have with your mom what he hasn’t got with his.  One of the sources of his emptiness.  But he’ll never see that and heal himself.  Instead, he’ll try to blame his fractures on you.  It wasn’t you.  You know that.

My exH (NPD/BPD) pulled some similar stunts... enough.

So give your mom and yourself a hug and give him nothing.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Panda 39 and Gemsforeyes, thank you so very much! You both hit the nail on the head. That makes perfect sense now. I will most definitely let it go and move on.  My therapist told me he will more than likely always do things like this for years to come and may never stop. All I can really do is help my mom through it and keep living my life.  Thank you both!  :wee:

I am sorry to hear your NPD/BPD Ex contacted your mother and is continuing his smear campaign when it had been 3 years since your divorce. I have a similar situation with one of my relatives who married a man with NPD. Though your situation is clearly different in its own way, I believe that the man with NPD in my family got lots of positive attention from my relatives who were mostly kind to him even though he acted terribly. I believe he never got treated well by most of his family members so he continues to crave the attention he got from some of my relatives and says he is determined to continue to be a member of the family just like before the divorce. I hear your frustration as you have closed the door with him and wish he would move on as well.

Hi I_Am_The_Fire,

I’m sorry your ex pwBPD/NPD is trying to smear you with your mom. It takes a lot of nerve to do something like that. As you probably already know that BPD is an attachment disorder and a pwBPD never fully detached, I’m coming close to 5 years post divorce and I have to comparent with my ex and she’s the same person that she was 5 years ago and is still attached. All of the emotions and attention seeking behaviors that you’re sharing with us telegraph that he’s still attached.