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Well well well... look who made a payment of $314 to kick start his own car insurance?  Long story short,  you may remember the months long self -beating I did on whether or not to cut off the car insurance payments on my adult dual diagnosed son's car( BPD and substance abuse)?   It appears he /someone ( most importantly, someone other than me) is paying money owed to get his car insurance up and running.

Now the thing is I have to watch myself here : I  opened his car insurance mail he still has coming to my house.  Up until yesterday, I have been good about shredding  any mail of his. I had long since , informed the car insurance company he has moved, etc etc, but I had to tear this mail open .   I also tore open his bank credit card to see he made a $30 on it.  My co dependency is on the rise and I will be going to a CoDA meeting tomorrow morning.  

I will force myself to  practice gratitude on the fact that maybe he is cobbling together some type of existence.  For today.  I know this is very precarious and it's an hour at a time.  Letting go is very hard.  Some days I feel like I won't make it, but this is a nugget I will try to hang on to in order to get through the day.  Every now and then I have had cravings to go find my son/ lift the restraining order, etc.  I know I can't due to the domestic violence he inflicted upon me .

I went to a Nar Anon meeting earlier this week (12 step program for  families of drug addicts) and I was asked if my son had a car.  I stated yes.  Then the mothers assured me he will get by in his car, which is better than being on the concrete/ streets.  It is so hard to believe this is where I'm at , but I will take it.  

That is a nugget of hope Swimmy
I would not be surprised if your son ended up doing much better on his own than you thought he would. It is good you are going to NarAnon. The 12 step groups are great at helping us to stop enabling and lovingly let go. I am happy for you.

Thank you Faith and good point  about the son may do better on his own than what I had given him credit for.  For today.  I have to keep remembering to add that phrase to everything DS - related. 

Hi Swimmy55

What an uplifting post to read! 

Of course, good news that your son, with his own resources, may just be making some positive progress...but...so good to read of your progress.   You are not sitting back with a "woe-is-me" attitude.  You are working hard...doing all the right things to get yourself and your own life back on track.  You deserve better than what you have already lived through.

Onward and upward, Swimmy55! |iiii  Keep us posted.

Huat   ; )

This is encouraging Swimmy. Maybe it was some type of Devine Intervention that led you to open the mail you typically shred. I call these God Winks and I seem to get them at the perfect time. Why shouldn’t a mom get to have a little glimpse of hope into their struggling kid’s future? You are so supportive here on bpdfamily, we want to cheer you on, too!

(P.s. my friend’s son lived in his car for 6 mos and now he’s a successful, drug free, independent 28 yr old. I remember he had a cat and kept the litter box neatly in the trunk and pulled down the backseat for the cat to get back there.  He had a very inexpensive gym membership and exercised and showered daily. We were amazed at his resourcefulness)

You did so well shredding. Co dependency is so hard to deal with with your own child. Maternal instinct doesnt just turn off.

I would have sneaked a peek at that letter too. I am relieved that you found a nugget of hope.

You made a great choice to have been shredding his mail.  I used to shred, but shredded after I had held the envelopes up to the light to try to see the contents, of course! One time I could see in an envelope that DD was being sued by the apartment complex she was evicted from (and then feeling mad, disgusted, and depressed myself knowing she was being sued), I knew I had to remove myself further. I started writing “Not at this address” on every piece of mail that came for her to our house, regardless of whether it was junk mail or a bill, then I put it in our mailbox.  After a week, I saw a note inside our mailbox that the mail carrier had taped for himself: ““DD” not at this address.” We haven’t received any of her mail since, and now I’m not going into a tailspin knowing all the bad/ugly mail she’s supposed to be getting. 

Honestly, the less I know about her business, the more room I have in my heart to just love her for her.

I can tell you’re getting stronger every time you post. We’re all here for you:)

Thank you , all..