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I've read multiple books/ articles etc. and still don't have a clear answer:

When my fiance (pwBPD) is having a borderline crisis and is spewing negative feelings/ thoughts about me to me, how can I validate how they are feeling but also stand up for myself at the same time?

I usually say I'm not going to stand there and listen to negative things being said about me so I'm going to leave the house/ take the dog for a walk etc. and we can talk when we are both calm again but then this leads to my fiance calling me 20 times while I'm on my walk and then leaving the house before I get back there myself and then the whole day is me at home, worried that she's going to harm herself while she is out driving, etc. and it just becomes a HUGE fiasco. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is?

I need advice on this too. My husband (pw udxPBD) does this to me.

For example, the other day I came home from work and he was in the bathroom. He can be there for a half hour or so. I have watched an entire episode of one of my shows while he's in there. So I relax on the couch and put on an episode of my show. Never did he come over and ask if we could put something else on, no, he went in the bedroom instead. I thought he just wanted some alone time or had a headache or whatever. It wasn't until I was getting ready for bed when he called me an a##hole and accused me of seeing he was in the bathroom and thinking oh, I'll just put my show on so then he can't watch his show. Like it was a pre-mediated siege of the TV.

My response was to basically say: so what you are telling me is that according to you, I had malicious intent to monopolize the TV by putting my show on so you couldn't watch a show you wanted to watch. Of course he didn't say 'yes' but that is exactly what he was saying. That was part of a 1.5 hour 'conversation' that he initiated by calling me an a##hole and then having the same argument over and over as each time I tried to wrap it up he would complain about it again.

this is not what validation is for.

if i punched you in the face, you wouldnt stand there and show me sympathy, or try to validate my feelings, right?

validation is something to be used constructively, in times of calm (or before things get out of hand). people with bpd traits thrive in a validating environment.

when things have broken down past the point of no return, there arent magic words to use to get your partner to chill. and in a lot of cases, that wouldnt be a good approach for a multitude of reasons.

the simplest thing in those moments, is to focus on not being invalidating, and in general, not making things worse/escalating.


this is JADEy, and your partner is guaranteed to say "oh yes you are".

a time out can be good, healthy, necessary, but how we use it can be tricky. you know your partner best, but you want to finesse it in a way that it doesnt come off as punishment or "getting away from them", because thats often when our partners will ramp things up.

so what happened? what led up to the argument? what was said? lets walk it through.

I appreciate you wanting to walk through this with me- it means a lot.

The whole argument started because she had some furniture to set up...I let her get to it and I went in the other room to call my friend so I could leave my fiance alone. I kept hearing my fiance swear and throw things, saying how she wanted to kill herself and she hated her life. I hung up and went to where she was and asked if I could help her instead of her getting frustrated. She started swearing at me (telling me to f*** off) etc. and I got mad. I was saying I wasn't going to stand there and try to help only to be sweared at (I deserved better than that). I did the wrong thing and yelled "what's your excuse for treating me like this? I dont care what you have or what your diagnosis is- this is disrespectful and not right!" I also called her an "unappreciative b****" and this is when she lost it on me and the episode commenced- she started saying she never wanted to see me again, our relationship was over etc. I told her I was going to take the dog for a walk because any communication we were having at the moment was non-constructive. When I left, she called me 10 times and when I picked up, she just started yelling profanity and I said I was going to put my phone away for half an hour so we could both settle down, acknowledged I wasn't ignoring her but just giving us time to settle down. She demanded I bring the car keys back because I "stole" them and she said she was going to call the police if I didn't bring the keys back. I brought them back immediately and she left. She also left her engagement ring and phone at home. At some point, she voiced that she wanted to die that day. At another point, she also suggested that one of us got a hotel room. When she eventually came back 2 hours later, I started crying that I was so happy she was safe and she said she hadn't changed her mind, she no longer wanted to be with me and that I was crazy for thinking she was going to do something stupid because she had voiced she wanted to get a hotel room. We fought horribly the entire night and I was 100% sure she was done with the relationship. I apologized for anything I may have said to make her feel badly. She said my actions were disgusting and that I was further pushing her away (Because I was having an anxiety attack at this point). She was also mad that I "Was the one that left" since I had left earlier that day on a walk to give her space.
It was a horrible fight and it definitely led me to having a mental breakdown.