BPDFamily.com

So tomorrow morning I go to the breast clinic..I had managed to calm myself and clean the house a little and things were quiet from my dtr for a day or 2.

No one has witnessed me fall apart except you good people here. It has all been contained on this forum.

She knows they found stuff in my breast 3 yrs ago and I refused a biopsy. It was such a terrible experience.

Then the email came tonight.

She is a victim...of my behaviour.When she came off her meds it all came flooding back how bad I was when she was a child, a teenager and my awful reaction to her pregnancy came flooding back. Conveniently she forgets that this came directly after being diagnosed with an incurable sti and pregnant with another woman's man..The death threats to her ( and me) from this man and his girlfriend..And on it went for a couple of years.

Apart from this she said she knows I genuinely love the child. When I see her my face lights up with love. She knows I also love the dog and am good to them.

I am cold with her and my car crash has made her fear my dying. So even my car crash and Lupus diagnosis happened to her and not to me..

I over reacted to "normal stuff"..By normal she meant hanging around with junkies, drinking, taking drugs and self harming as a teen. Then the drunken hook ups and the Catfishing a 30 yr old at 15 who I nearly had to get arrested.

I never look at her with any affection..That is true..I fear her more than anything. I never ask her how she is..True also..I can't cope with the impossible fall out from such a loaded question.

She was self harming a couple of months ago..She lost a child and Iam so cold I did not hug her.
On and on it went..Total annihilation of my whole character. Laced in between was the desire to reconcile but not on my terms...She sees all boundaries as bad.

She just has to get her point across as she is emotional this evening.
She expects me to feel nothing and delete the email.

She has laid her terms down in case I want to talk.

I don't want to talk

I am not surprised she did this and I doubt you are either. She is probably acting out because of fear of losing you. The anger and nastiness is her way of coping with pain. The main thing is your health. Do you think you can put your daughter's issues to the side for a little while? I am worried about you.

Ohh dear Faith,
Please don't worry about me.
If anything this puts it into perspective even more.

I had doubted myself but all the detail in her email is so skewed. I will never ever be able to change her view of me. In a way it is helping me

I fully understand that I can and I need to let her go. Gone is any hope conscious or otherwise of finding comfort from her.

Yes. You do need to let go of her. She can't help you. Focus on those who can. So how did today's appointment go?

I go tomorrow morning Faith.

I keep checking to see how Monday went with your son..Have I missed a post?

My son did not follow through with his appointment. I just posted about it.

I will be praying for your appointment tomorrow.