|
Title: How to leave an argument with no escape Post by: Beren2016 on November 06, 2019, 04:05:24 AM Hi all
Feeling a bit repetitive on here recently so I will keep it as to the point as possible. Both of us are struggling right now with alot of emotional scars from regular 6 hour circular arguments... She has taken to lie and hide (badly) when she is upset and consequently I am now terrified of every negative emotion she has and start to panic... So both impact the other as you can imagine. I'm am trying my best not to JADE but it is increasingly difficult when I can see the argument coming, and the emotions are all over her face and tone. She is hiding because she wants to avoid the argument and doesn't want to discuss anything... To me this would only make things worse and walking away when it is obvious that she is angry would only validate position. How do I avoid these arguments... if I leave and go home her emotions build and it validates her incorrect facts. I get a break up or "don't come up 2moro" text on the way home I stay we argue and I get told to leave her life If I leave I get the break up text If I go back I get told to leave her life I don't know how to deal with she blames me for the arguments and tell me to just shut up and walk away and it wouldn't happen but I feel like what ever I do bad things will happen... And the last thing I want is a relationship where we don't deal with issues and push them down. (These situation are ones where how she feels is valid, she is allowed to feel upset, but the facts she generates from that are not correct) None of her break ups have ever stuck but I take everyone seriously. When she breaks up I feel frozen and I can't leave as I feel once the door shuts I've lost her over a misunderstanding... I just can't engage my brain here... I am fighting from as much of an emotional logic free position as she is and nothing resolves it... It only ends when we have went on for 6 hours and her rage and upset has calmed down..these arguments are taking such a toll on us both that we can't fix the problems that cause them. Any guidance is appreciated and a thank you all Title: Re: How to leave an argument with no escape Post by: Ozzie101 on November 06, 2019, 10:09:47 AM That's a difficult thing and something I've struggled with in the past.
What are these arguments usually about? You say she wants to avoid the argument and not discuss it. So, is she the one driving the argument, or are you? Her facts may be incorrect, but are you validating her feelings? Sometimes, especially in an argument, the best thing you can do is let unimportant "facts" go. Not something huge, and not agreeing, obviously, but just ignoring it. For example: Her: The magical unicorn in the yard ignored me and that makes me angry. You: It doesn't feel good to be ignored, does it? I'm sorry. Notice, you're not admitting there's a unicorn in the yard. But you're not fighting her on it either. You say you can see the argument coming. What would happen if you left before they even really start? Saying something along the lines of, "I can tell this is very important to you. It's important to me, too. But I need a little time to think about it before I can discuss it productively. I'll be back at x time. I love you." As you know, these hours-long arguments are not productive and are, in fact, harmful to your relationship. She may be angry, yes. But sometimes giving a pwBPD space to be angry and bring themselves back to baseline can be a positive thing. The important thing is you need to get yourself to center more quickly. You need to be able to think more with your logical brain. Calming exercises like focusing on your breathing (slowly in and out) can help with that. My therapist recommended sitting with my hands on my thighs and slowly tapping my hands, alternating: 1, 2, 3, 4. It helps me. Anyway, it sounds to me like you both may be keeping the ball going. Which means it's likely up to you to change the direction and slow it down. |