BPDFamily.com

Hi there.
I’ve been divorced from mg borderline ex now for 3.5 years.   She still Continues to make comments that I would expends from a 16 year old girl. We have 4 kits to father and she continues to bash me to the kids. And make life difficult.  Calling me to pick up my son Because he is out of control and so on.  Really affecting my work. I’m a physician and have cut back significantly.  We have 50/50 custody. But feel like the kids are with me all the time. I took her to court to try to pay her less money since I’ve cut work drastically and the judge dropped child support.  But the judge said I’m a triple board certified doctor and while I was working and building a career my ex was home having kids.  So she didn’t drip alimony. 
I wanted to tell the judge that just because someone gives birth doesn’t make them a mom. I had a full time  nanny that was more of a mom to my kids.  And at night she would toss the kids to me as they cried and would tell me ... you take care of your fking child.   I was very disappointed in the system.  Obviously I held my tongue.  But wanted to know if I can ask for a case review.   I felt the judge made assumptions  and was very sexist.   Is there a way to complain.    I don’t have any more money to pay for an appeal.  But this judge needs to learn that it takes more than giving birth to make someone a mother. 

I learned that court is reluctant to make major changes quickly.  I recall that when I went seeking full custody and majority time that the GAL (Guardian ad Litem, child's lawyer) supported custody for me but hoped that keeping equal time would let ex have Child Support.  Ex was still as entitled as before and I had to go back to court.  The same GAL then agreed that the disparagement from mother did merit me getting majority time.

So I think the judge may have been thinking letting you win something and lose something else was a middle-of-the-road solution.  If it's still not working/improving then you can build more documentation of the problems and return to court to get further adjustments to the order.  I've heard that some courts want you to try for a year before returning to court.

How long is alimony to continue?  Generally it is no more than half the length of the marriage and often even less.  These days alimony is viewed as assistance to the disadvantaged spouse to return to single life.  I was married 18 years (including the 2 year divorce process) and the lawyers agreed to 3 years alimony, 2 months for every year.

In my area, judges ignore discussions on who is the better parent as long as the other parent isn't abusive, doesn't have drug/alcohol problems, isn't homeless, etc. etc. It's rotten, but that's how it is.

I have a friend whose husband isn't a good parent, but they have joint custody. However, lately she has been documenting a fair amount of disordered behavior including some unreasonable approaches to discipline that concern her. She's taught each child when to call 9-1-1 if their father is out of control and to support each other. She thinks that she likely will be headed back to court at some point because it's escalating. She has an appointment with her lawyer.

This is so sad.   I Truly feel for the kids. All of our kids. I don’t know what the future holds for them.   But what a Brocken system.  I’m so disappointed in all of it.  And I read at times in some of these articles that one parent should be the bigger parent.  Even the judge said that.   Multiple judges in my past 3.5 years of divorce process have said that. It’s as the judges don’t understand how difficult it is to deal with a borderline individual.   How can we change this.  A psych eval that’s court appointed.  Something.  Anger management.  I don’t mind being evaluated.   I have actually and tried to make sure I’m not out of line.   But she refuses to go.  She is constantly alienating the children.   Now that the kids are older.  They see her temperament. 
I think a movement is necessary.
Not all men are dads.  And not all women are moms.   And for the judge to keep saying for the sake of the kids be cordial is mind blowing.  As if all my efforts to be cordial with an angry individual has been negated.   
Wish there was test to pass to obtain a license before having kids.  If anyone wants to help.  I’m in.     

you are being cordial and being the bigger parent. it's not a free pass for her to continue her behavior.

how old are kids now? they age out of the custody orders eventually, if they are close enough to adulthood, maybe it's better to just suck it up and not spend more $$$ on court. if they are younger still, maybe it's worth the expense. but it's a big expense. it's filing, having a custody and parenting eval done, having psyche evals of parents and kids, etc. guardian ad litem for kids appointed.

all of which seems to get ignored by judges when the recommendations come back to recommend full custody to dad, or to reduce or drop support to mom. the bias is maddening. they'll couch it in all kinds of terms, tell you to be the bigger parent, etc. and never, ever say or do anything in response to her continuing misconduct. they just stick their head in the sand and won't do their jobs and help you when you need it. and they make sure your bank account gets cleaned out the process.

compare the cost of the court fight and potential savings if you win to the cost of just riding it out until alimony runs out. and consider the other aggrevations - current circumstances vs. what will happen with a new case hanging over everyone. and recognize that even if you got new orders that were exactly what you want, she will still find new ways to inject drama and chaos, she will still alienate the kids on her visitation, and she'll also throw in a heaping helping of new victomhood and martyerdom because she got railroaded so bad, yada yada.

in short, a new court fight and better orders won't solve all your problems. is the juice worth the squeeze? or is there some other way to deal with this that can rachet things down to better circumstances? sometimes if you simply stop responding to all her BS, she'll eventually settle down and stop because she's not getting reactions. it takes simply staying composed and silent, and not responding to her attacks and jabs and attempts to provoke you. easy to say to do it, hard to actually do it.

You're most likely out of luck on the alimony.  There are formulas that they tend to use for that.

Custody is a completely separate deal from hearings about the money.  Were you asking for increased time with the kids/less time for your ex?  Or just for a reduction in child support?

Be sure that you don't ever give any indication that your reduced work schedule (and hence reduced income) is for anything except parenting.  If ex claims you're doing it to reduce financial obligations then you might have a court scrutinizing you.  You don't want them to view you like a stereotype deadbeat dad or a spiteful ex.

In my state (and two others that I know of) there is no formula for alimony (spousal support). There are general guidelines and as ForeverDad mentioned, typically alimony is half to less than half the length of marriage. This depends on if the one receiving alimony has been out of the workforce for any length of time, education level/earning capacity and the length of the marriage.
What does matter is if a judge decided the duration and amount of alimony or if you and your ex came to an agreement without a judge ordering it. If you went to court and a judge decided for you then you might have a chance of modifying alimony. If an agreement was signed between you and your spouse without having to go to court then your chances are pretty slim. Most of the time alimony is terminated once the spouse receiving the support remarries or cohabitates with a romantic partner for a year or more. A family law attorney can answer these questions in your state but most likely will depend on how your agreement is worded and whether you signed your agreement without a judge deciding for you.