BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I am a mother and a grandmother who has recently married a very sweet man. He has two ex wives, both seem to be borderline. The first one was violent and the second more the waif type. My husband raised his stepchildren with the second wife and sees the kids as his own. Both women continue to try and communicate with my husband. Though he is doing a good job of ignoring their texts, I wish they would just stop. This is frustrating for me as I am not used to anyone holding on to their ex like this. Any help would be appreciated.

Welcome!  :hi: We're glad you found your way to us, although the reason is not pleasant, to say the least. There are quite a few stepmother and step-grandmother on this board who have found themselves in similar situations. We "get it."

 I am married to a man who had a previous marriage of 33 years (the past 14 years living separately) with a woman who is undiagnosed BPD/NPD. H and I had known each other as teens and reconnected in 2005, were married within months. He did not have a name for his ex's behavior until I talked with him about BPD or NPD. H was deep into FOG (Fear-Obligation-Guilt), was enabling, and had CPTSD. It was rough. His adult children had all begged him to divorce from the time they were in their teens.

I had no idea what I was walking into.

With much work around boundaries and much love, we have reached a point where Ex rarely affects us or our household. This was necessary because of multiple, intrusive actions in the first few years. Their adult children are coping much better than they were 10 years ago, but there are still situations that arise resulting in conflict (primarily between the Ex and the two daighters). There are two granddaughters -- one is only 3, the other is 18 and has been aware of her grandmother's problems since about age 11-12.

Our guideline now is that Ex only texts or calls H on his cell phone if there is something critical going on with the adult children or grandchildren -- and he takes the call in another room or outside. Nothing has qualified as critical in a long time. She no longer calls the house phone (we retired and moved, so she doesn't even have that number.) That was a problem early on, and she abused it. We were getting frantic, hysterical, or raging calls far too often.

What situations are causing you the most stress right now?

What is your husband's attitude about his exes? Is H also frustrated at their access to him?

Hi BebeG,

Welcome to the group!  :hi:

I would like to echo GaGrl I experienced much the same when I first met my partner.  He was separated and going through is (2 year  :() divorce from his uBPDxw when we met.  His ex was a constant presence and if it wasn't her directly she would use the children.  She had to insert herself continuously into his life back in those early days.  Most of the time I would try to ignore it, but there were times that she really ruined some important moments.  Like the time my brother came for a visit from out of state (for only the second time in about 20 years) and I wanted him to meet my new boyfriend but he was on the phone with his ex outside the restaurant for over an hour.  That one really hurt.

It took awhile but we too gradually put boundaries in place.  We also learned to not be as reactive, to put responsibilities back on her that she tried to put on him, eventually the kids went no contact and low contact with their mom which also helped and now the girls are adults so there is no longer much reason for contact.  But that doesn't stop the ex from calling (for no reason) she has asked for the same health insurance information and for the girls social security numbers over and over for the last few years.  She has received the same information like, I don't know, a million times!   :) lol When she calls it always makes me think of the old phone ad...Reach out, reach out and touch someone, reach out and just say Hi! :hi:  She just has to insert herself into his life every couple of months...remember me? I'm still here!  My partner is limited in his responses too.  Last time we had the "Health Insurance Call" he just didn't respond.

How often are your husband's exs reaching out?  How often does he respond?  Does he need to respond?  What happens if he doesn't respond?

Again Welcome,
Panda39

Welcome!  Lots of us in your shoes.   H's ex used to call him at 11 pm and tell him there was something wrong with her car and she needed him to come fix it RIGHT NOW so that their daughter would have a way to get to school in the morning. 

It helped me to read a lot about BPD and start to understand a little bit of the crazy.  That, and, as the others say, learning how to implement proper boundaries.  It's often hard for our spouses.  They are still sometimes engulfed in a bit of the FOG, or simply conditioned that they are supposed to respond in X way to keep the peace.

How old are the kids now?  Are they fully launched, out of college, etc?  Is there a real reason for the exes to continue to communicate?

He may be giving them inconsistent boundaries.

Do you know which texts he responds to and why?