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Title: When she feels attacked - she attacks - so how do I set boundaries? Post by: Omega1 on November 25, 2019, 09:56:34 PM I'm figuring out that, when I address things that I don't like, she feels attacked.
I made her tea - I gave it to her to smell and she liked it, so I made her a cup and for me as well. She tasted it, said its disgusting and she hates it. I just gently said, can you be kinder, its okay that you didn't like it, I'll make you a different kind... She did it MORE - said it was so gross, what kind of tea is that, I don't like flavoured tea - what is it? My response was to again ask her not to be so harsh, then I asked what kind she wanted. She lost it - said I take everything personally, that its not a big deal, that I should just be light about it, that her sister and husband are so cool and light about things, but I am not, and I take it all too personally...she just kept going...and verbally attacking me. I walked out - not my best move - but what do I do when she goes into attack mode? I still get 'hooked' and start defending myself and its all downhill from there. So - 1. How can I address how she spoke about the tea? If I say nothing, I feel like a doormat - but if I say something, no matter how gentle, she goes into attack mode. 2. How do I respond better when she verbally attacks me? Thank you... Title: Re: When she feels attacked - she attacks - so how do I set boundaries? Post by: once removed on November 26, 2019, 03:20:15 AM i guess my first question is that there are lots of kinds of tea (i appreciate that this is probably bigger than that).
what kind of tea does she like. is she specific in her request? Title: Re: When she feels attacked - she attacks - so how do I set boundaries? Post by: Omega1 on November 26, 2019, 07:53:41 AM My feeling is that, it's such a HUGE response and its rude to speak like that to your partner who has done something nice for you. I am cool that she didn't like it, I simply asked her to be kinder in the way she told me she didn't like it.
I know that part of her issues are the way she speaks - its harsh and often rude and nasty and disrespectful. I need to be able to make her aware when she is being like this - how do I do this in a gentle enough way, not to set her off, but not to accept it? Title: Re: When she feels attacked - she attacks - so how do I set boundaries? Post by: lenfan on November 26, 2019, 10:40:38 AM Are you also married to my wife Omega1? :)
Seriously though, I have dealt with the "tea issue" as well. Walking out might actually have been the best thing. You didn't want to escalate by JADEing, and saying something might have just rewarded her bad behavior by giving it attention, even if it is negative attention. If you feel you have to say something, maybe something like, in a firm but friendly tone, " I understand the tea tastes gross, and I'm happy to make you a new cup. That harsh tone makes me feel bad though, so please try to speak to me more nicely." Just leave it at that as you smilingly poor the tea. If she calls you oversensitive after that, you can reply that your feelings are what they are, rightly or wrongly. Make it about you, not her. If you can control your response and not fight back emotionally because you are empowered by knowledge and making a conscious choice, instead of reacting from fear and bullying, then you are not a doormat. You are being the grown up in the room and can take some pride in that. I just heard the expression "Let the Wookie win" for the first time recently. My understanding of the premise is that if the other person is emotionally invested in a minor thing, and you really are not, let them have their way. I guess the idea is controversial because some people feel it enables bullying, but I think the approach is worth thinking about on a case by case basis. |