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Title: New here Post by: Chatty Cathy on December 01, 2019, 02:43:39 AM What seems to be the most difficult for me is my s/o criticism. My knee jerk response is to respond with sarcasm, my own criticism, etc. I feel as if I need to take up for myself. I know this is defeating behavior and will get me nowhere with him, and yet, even after 45 years together it still happens frequently.
I also feel as if I am not living wholly. So much of who I am stays hidden behind clenched teeth! I fear verbal retaliation and/or the silent treatment if my feelings, wants, needs do not align with his. So many times I choose silence rather than disagreement. I feel as if I have lost myself. I wonder if there are others who feel this way, too. I am in therapy, trying to work on myself, but the fear of making waves is real. Title: Re: New here Post by: haypigyahu on December 01, 2019, 10:50:09 AM I’m also new here. Trying something new. Expressing to others.
I can completely relate. One of the harder pills to swallow with my J is how he thinks that his words are law because he can see the logic in them and that his criticism of me is constructive. If I would only change my way of thinking, we could be happy. No disagreement is complete without him verbalizing how I just don’t get it and I continue to make him endure the same stupid behaviors. He genuinely believes that when he calls me ‘retarded’ he’s being easy on me because ‘it’s not a retard’s fault that they can’t understand.’ When I’m feeling feisty and refuse to relent, (usually on my stronger days) I give him a run for his money. I challenge him to get his satisfaction. I make him work for it. That sounds so ugly out loud. No one wins of course, it usually ends with the B word and how he never wants to see me again. Sometimes worse. But it helps me remember that I am not as weak as he says and more aware than knows. Because I seemingly don’t operate as a fully functioning intelligent person in his eyes, it is also difficult to be expressive. I feel like I have to hide away the best parts of myself and behave as a drone to prevent the character attacks. An example is the music I listen to. It is either old and overplayed, too mainstream, or if it’s something he’s never heard, sounds like PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm). I have yet to go to therapy. I made an appointment once, but I got lost trying to find the office and arrived 7 minutes late. I was told to reschedule. It shouldn’t have deterred me, but it did. Proud of you for what you are doing for yourself! |