BPDFamily.com

Good morning family,

Just a quick question on the best way to handle a “push/pull” cycle...

My partner and I got into a bit of a fight last night. This morning he apologized and said that he was completely in the wrong and felt awful about what he said. I told him that I accepted his apology and that I just wanted to forget it and have a nice day.

He then took it another step further and started saying things like “you should probably just delete me from your life- I would understand” and “just hate me already”.

I got anxious and irritated and told him we weren’t going to go through this cycle again- where we solve a conflict and then it dives deep into the other side of him pushing me away after and tries to make me leave.

He’s done this in the past and when I asked him why, he says it’s because he feels guilty and “undeserving”. I feel like I can see right through him when he does this. We’ve been through so much and I’m not going to leave, but it’s hard to keep feeling pushed away all the time. It’s almost like he gets mad at me for sticking by him and not leaving.

I called him a little while later and he had totally changed- was upbeat and happy. He just wanted to forget it like I had originally tried to do.

So my question is: what am I supposed to say/ how do I react when he pushes, so that I don’t make it worse? My anxiety can get the better of me and I don’t think I always help the situation. I don’t want him to think I’ll NEVER leave so he can just keep being a jerk, but I also don’t want to abandon him when he’s obviously hurting and it will usually be better in a little while.

Any thoughts? Thanks!

Hey paperinkart!

Your post really resonated with me. I experience similar interactions with my uBPD partner. He'll start splitting and act in a way that's cold/cruel. And after he calms down and is himself again, he'll apologize but also question why I even put up with his behavior. It's to the point sometimes, where it exacerbates his paranoia - that only someone with another agenda would put up with all of it.

Sometimes, he can tell that I'm bruised and exhausted and starts pushing me away - because he's sure that I am planning to leave him. I think, more than anything, it's a coping mechanism for him - he wants to beat me to the punch and make it easier on himself by distancing himself from me/the relationship.

I, too, struggle with anxiety. So the distancing aspect really affects me, and I often allow it to drive my reactions to him in a way that isn't productive. It's made me realize, however, that I spend so much time fixated on his distancing and ruminating over what's happening, that I'm not taking care of myself. All of this time, where he's creating distance, I have an opportunity to practice self care, learn new things, and remember that I am my own person with or without this relationship.

I'm new to the community and trying to learn many of the strategies here as well. So, I'm not sure I can offer a ton of help. But perhaps his distancing is an opportunity for you to take a breather, take care of yourself, and let him do what he's going to do, while letting him know that you're still there. Either way, you're taking care of yourself - which will help your anxiety and the way you interact with him. You deserve as much care, if not more, as you put into this relationship. Mind you, all of this is really easy to say and much harder to do! ; )

Good luck, paperinkart! We're all here with you!  :hug: