BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

I want take a moment and ask for advice from the community. Today marks one month of no contact following my ex-girlfriend (pwBPD) breaking up with me. I've been devastated ever since. I know most relationship coaches encourage the no contact rule, however, it's getting to the point where I'm really just going crazy not hearing from her.

Following the breakup, I went to her house to drop off a few things of hers and spoke to her mother. Her mom says "she still loves you," and that apparently she "needs time to be by herself and be single." Nearly two days before our breakup, she begged me to promise her that I wouldn't give up on her, despite her "depression" (definitely undiagnosed BPD according to my therapist and psychiatrist). Well two weeks in, she blocked my mother's number, blocked me on Facebook, blocked me on Instagram--yet I haven't said a single word to her since the breakup.

The breakup happened because I went out one night, got really drunk, and forgot to text her when I got back home. I also made a split decision to go to another bar area and forgot to tell her. In any case, I did not cheat on her. I'm absolutely in love with the girl and--to make matters worse--I'm clinically diagnosed as codependent. The pain I feel every day without her is absolutely agonizing.

According to my ex, while we were dating, I was the "love of her life . . . the best boyfriend she's ever had . . . she wants to have a family with me . . . she wants to move in with me," etc. Now, while I'm following no contact--she blocks me on everything? Talk about being devalued and painted black...I know that what I said to her mother was heartfelt, mature, and compassionate. Her mother knows that I love her daughter, and hopefully my ex knows how much I truly cared for her.

Before she blocked me, she added in her Instagram bio, "don't apologize for being a powerful woman" . . . so, well, that crushed me--as if she never loved me at all . . . also, she added her Snapchat and Cashapp (so people can literally pay her because of her good looks). Yet she told me when she was breaking up with me that she won't be able to be with anyone for a long time, and that "the thought of being with anyone right now makes her sick".

Adding to my confusion, she told me, "I'm not saying that I'll never be with you again, but I'm not saying I will be either" . . . what?

I'm desperate right now, following no contact, yet feeling more alone than ever. I miss and love her so much--despite all the ups and downs--I did so much for her. I truly love her and miss the relationship and friendship more than ever. I even encouraged her to seek therapy. And guess what her therapist tells her--"I don't really think what you feel for (your boyfriend) is love. I don't think you 'love' him," she also said to her, "I don't think you should be in a relationship right now"--and that's what I hear from my ex (during the relationship), and now I feel like I fell short and missed out on the girl that wanted a future with me.

This being said, how do I get her back? I'll take any and all advice/feedback. Every single day is just misery and I swear I'm struggling with this. I just want the girl that I love back in my life . . . I just want the same girl that told me she "wants to be with me forever" back.

Well that definitely complicates things a bit.

I was blocked about a year ago, and just quite recently got unblocked and recontacted. I tried reaching out to her before but every time I tried I got a new platform blocked.

Pretty much first thing she told me was that she's been thinking about me throughout this time.

She's the reason I came here, trying to make sense of everything, and it really does work reading the tools and talking to others about these things.

Anyway, is this the first time you've been blocked by her? What about the days leading up to it, was there some anxiety (like saying you don't answer/pay attention to/love her or something), maybe stress in her life? (You mentioned the cashapp thing, is that recent?)

Yes, this is her first time blocking me. I haven't spoken to her since November 3, the day after she dumped me...as of right now, it's been 37 days of no contact. Just a few days ago, I broke and decided to reach out to her...she blocked me. No apparent justification for doing that...I literally gave her space, didn't annoy her, show up at her work, nothing. I did absolutely nothing besides pouring my heart out to her mother when I dropped off her belongings at her house. I'm guessing that she's just in a devaluation stage right now. This pain is just agonizing...

But no, nothing like "you don't give me enough attention" or anything like that. She claims to "love me more than she could ever express," according to my friend that contacted her 2 days after the breakup. She said I was the best she ever had...told me all these good things about myself that made me feel like she wouldn't ever give up. Yet I feel like borderlines have no understanding of making a "mistake" in a relationship. I got really drunk, forgot to text her, and yet she says I was "shady" and that the whole situation was "shady," despite all of my loyalty I've proven to her, she thinks I'm shady...I guess this is fear of abandonment? It's just irrational. She's blocked me now on literally everything imaginable.

I just feel forgotten...disposable...inadequate...unloved. It's a pain I can't express in my words here. I wonder if she thinks of me...what she's lost...how she gave up on someone who genuinely loves her. I've prayed that the dust will settle, yet she never reaches out, never even gives me one bit of hope. It's just awful.

I think I'm going to leave her a note on her car in a week or so, once my semester at school is over. I'm just wondering...how do I get her back? Are there any ways to split myself white (instead of black) and re-gain someone who told me I was the "love of her life"?

Lost Romantic,

This sounds very familiar.  My W of 10 years recently did the same.  I loved this woman more than I have ever loved anyone.  I gave her everything.  Yet, she walked away from me and our family.  I know what you mean when you say you feel forgotten, disposable, inadequate and unloved.  Like you I'm holding out hope that she realizes what she had and what she lost.  I'm willing to forgive her and try and move past this even if that realization comes after our divorce goes through.

I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are not alone in what you are feeling.

Think of you.

SH4

"I know what you mean when you say you feel forgotten, disposable, inadequate and unloved."

Sadly I am all too familiar with that feeling after getting betrayed. It is certainly the most soul crushing ego destroying feeling there is.

LR & SH, whatever choices and decisions you make moving forward I wish the best outcomes for you.

Cheers!

-SC-