BPDFamily.com

I was raised by and uBPD mom. She manipulated me, used me as a pawn during her divorce with my father, and ruined whatever relationship I could've had by him. I was raised in CPS custody, because neither one of them could get their own PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) together.

I moved away at 19. And I stayed gone in a state 1000 miles away. I was gone for 20 years. But my uBPD mother never quit. She would suck me into her realm thinking she was actually being a mother for once...but then chaos and rage. I wasn't doing enough for her when she fell on hard times. I was a terrible and ungrateful daughter. I supposedly didn't realize all she had done in my life. I limited phone contact with her while I was away. I was able to move on with my life despite her.

Fast forward to now. I fell on hard times and had to move home. She was the only person I could stay with. Since then, she has been flying into rages, bargaining, and thinks she is the only one experiencing stress. She is the eternal victim. Everyone but her made her life turn out this way, I *supposedly* don't care about her, she is the jack of all trades but master of none. She can never be wrong. You can't express disagreement without her flying into a rage. Two weeks ago she called me an "evil, nasty, lying bitch" because I told her behavior was inappropriate. She's like Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. Sometimes she does really nice things, but then it backfires on me, because she will bring those things up in her rages. I try to be the cooler head to prevail. I do my best not to engage. But that makes her angrier and more rageful. She has such control issues that she speaks to me like a 12 year old. I'M 39!

I am stuck in this house with her until I find a job that pays me enough to get the hell out. I'm miserable in this environment. :help:

Hi Wellitried,  :hi:

Thank you for your post and a big welcome to our online family! So glad you are here.  :hug:

What a tough place you are in right now, and it sure sounds like you are feeling miserable. Tell me about your job search, are you making progress? Do you do the job searching from the internet at your mom's place or do you possibly escape to the library for your research? That's got to be tough. What type of job do you hope to find, one locally or far away?

Keep posting, reading other posts, and taking care of yourself during this stressful time. My mom was also uBPD. I know how hard and painful it is.

What are you able to do to get out of the house and find some self care during this time?

 :hug:
Wools

Hi Wellitried :hi:

It sounds like the person that brought you anguish in your life, is the person who is now providing a space for you to live, but what she gets out of the deal is to use you for an emotional punching bag, so you feel trapped?  Did I get any of that sort of somewhat accurate?

It sounds like a really difficult place for you to be.

I hope you get a lead on a job soon.  There are all the usual ways of jobhunting.  But there are also organizations that can assist with jobhunting, as well as with skillbuilding, to open up new opportunities.  The good thing is that those organizations are away from, and outside of the house, so you would have some space away from her, while working on something for yourself.

As hard as it is, try to notice something small to be joyful about - some beautiful Christmas lights, or drifting snowflakes, or a bird perched and resting in a tree, or a walk in the park.  It sounds like life has been difficult for you, and I am sorry for that. But with all that negative stuff, it is important to still be able to notice a joyful moment each day, even if it is very small. 

Is it possible to do some jobhunting away from the house to reduce contact with her?