BPDFamily.com

Example of a small victory where advise on this board has helped me.  

Situation: My 11 year old daughters birthday party sleepover yesterday.  We went shopping (me, GF, D) for gift bags for the birthday party attendees (bath and body, lip gloss, facial masks, pop rocks).  It was very important for my BPgf to randomly place all differing items in bags and not let my D cherry pick all of the favorite items for her bag.  No biggie, that is a good lesson for my daughter to treat everyone as equals as none of the other attendees get to pick their items.  Well, when me and my D got home to put the bags together (we arrived before GF), my D gave her pop rocks to her older brother because she doesn't like them.  When GF arrived and we were one Pop Rocks short, she grew very angry because every bad wouldn't have Pop Rocks.  She began getting angry at me and my D because in her head she made it clear that all bags need to contain the exact same amount of items.  She also thought my daughter would eat the Pop Rocks she said she wouldn't eat once her friends started eating them and having fun with them.  Fair thought as that is my daughter to a T.  I initially started getting angry over a fight about some Pop Rocks because it seems very silly for a package of candy to cause this big a disruption 1 hour before my D's friend were scheduled to arrive.  My D is in tears at this point, which heightened my anger about the disagreement in general.  My GF went to leave and not come back (I needed her help with the party).  I went out to her car and took a different approach to see things from her point of view.  From her point of view, she thought we were all on the same page and making sure all of the bags would have the same amount of items and be a random selection.  To my GF, my daughter and I didn't listen to her and she felt unheard.  While trivial to me and my D, this was a big deal to my GF.  This is serious black and white mindset.  When I went out to her car and apologized for making her feel unheard, her mood immediately improved and she came back in the house to help with the party the rest of the night.  BP's really do see the world through a different set of eyes and thoughts.   It was advice I received on a different post here that made me stop and see things through her eyes instead of mine.  In this case, it did change everything and turned what appeared to be a spiraling night into a pleasant one.  

To put things in perspective though, we ordered pizza later and my GF likes to put Franks Red Hot on her pizza.  I had a minor panic attack when I realized I didn't have any when she went looking for it.  Nothing came of this situation, but this is the type of trivial situation that could possibly set off a "why don't you have any Franks?  You know I like it!" outburst.  Life with a BP I guess.  They keep you on your toes.  I offered to go get Franks real quick (store is 3 mintues away), but she didn't take me up on it and ate her pizza without it.  

BP's really seem to put an emphasis on being heard and understood.  While I have failed at this many times, it is something I am trying to make a conscious effort to improve.  I have fallen trap to thinking about my next words instead of listening to what my GF is telling me.  This, of course, is toxic to ANY relationship.  But it is multiplied 100 times with a BP.  

What a great example, strugglingBF! I know from reading your other posts that you're still working through some other more painful experiences and challenges, but I love the statement above. You show a genuine desire to learn and understand and I think you handled the pop rocks situation like a champ.

I've felt nervous about things like no hot sauce, too. I guess the goal we are working towards is to stop walking on eggshells, but we're getting there.

Great job!