BPDFamily.com

 :help:
I am in need of support from others dealing with an adult child with bpd and narcissistic disorders. I've been dealing with the craziness since she was about 16 and she is now 31. We thought it was teen acting out that escalated to alcohol and drug abuse which resulted in jail time for shoplifting and other offenses with the law. She was given house arrest for nine months and probation and lots of fines. She hated coming home and hated me even though it was our influence that made it possible for her to come home instead of jail for her 9 month sentence. She left as soon as she could and kept just this side of the law. She was engaged and I paid for her dress and the venue then she broke the engagement off just before the wedding, leaving me out all the money I had invested and a very heartbroken boyfriend. I found out she had been seeing someone else during the engagement. She lived with this man a few months then decided to get pregnant without his consent. He has been a great dad. She coerced him into changing his life completely. He has begrudgingly agreed to change his job, where they live, (several times) and decided to have another baby. Through all this I have babysat whenever she asked and have taken a lot of verbal abuse from her because she uses the baby as a threat that if I don't cooperate with her I won't be able to see my grandchildren. She talked the dad into getting married and buying a house they can't afford.
The baby is now 8 months old and the older daughter is 5. She started seeing someone else and has decided to get a divorce. Her husband has complied with everything she wants including paying for her apartment. I am very close to my grandchildren and the 5 year old is devastated. My daughter has been happy about moving on and said it's time she does life for herself now. Everyone in both immediate families and friends are very sad and angry. Me most of all. She has not been diagnosed and is very high functioning, keeping a job but spending all her money on herself while her husband has paid all expenses. We have tried to support her emotionally since she's been married and staying off drugs and being there for the kids. The divorce and new boyfriend is the last straw for me. I told her she needed to look at bpd and that I can't support her decision to be with someone else before her marriage is over. She ranted at me and threatened to keep the grandkids from seeing me. I am at the end of my rope but don't know how I'll be able to continue to see the kids. This is a crazy long post but I really needed to get it all out there. I get different insurance in the new year and will look at getting a counselor for myself and join a nami support group but I am depressed and very angry and feeling helpless and extremely sad for my granddaughters.

Thank you for writing to us and welcome.  Dealing with our BPD adult kids / adult kids with BPD traits is  excruciating at times  . I am sure others who are grandparents will  chime in here .    It is not unusual for the adult child to hold the grandkids as hostages / pawns for negotiating financial assistance.  Getting therapy for yourself and writing here are good first steps as getting help for ourselves is the only way to help the BPD adult child. I would also like to recommend 12 step programs such as CoDA ( Do dependents anonymous) or Al anon or even nar-anon( I am in this one for my 25 year old son).  These programs teach detachment and how to let go of the problematic behavior.  Best of all they are free.