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I was so impatient.
I wanted to heal quickly.
I read everything I could.
I joined this group.
I talked to friends and my therapist.
I was so immersed in my desire to heal.
It was overwhelming.
I had to take a break from it all except from my Coda.
I kept the no contact.

About 3 months ago I felt my higher power tell me "Do Something".
I thought "What?, higher power, You have not helped me".
My higher power said again "Do Something"
I then realized I could do something.
I finally deleted all texts with my uBPDx.
I couldn't quite put my finger on it, something was changing and I felt it.
I, soon after deleted all emails, shredded all journal entries and notes.
Then a couple of weeks later, I deleted all phone voice messages. I deleted the  ex's blocked phone number.
I was losing my sadness, my feeling victimized and my longing for that past.
I was gaining a WHOLE LOT OF GRATITUDE.
Gratitude for what I do have.
Is my life, Perfect?  No. it is much, much better and I am happier.

So, to all still struggling I will say. Stay with it.
Taking care of yourself is worth it.

 Norsewoman   :wee:

Hey NorseWoman, Kudos to you for listening to your Higher Power and following your gut feelings about what to do next.  I would suggest that you are on a journey towards authenticity, which is what it's all about, in my view.

LuckyJim

Hi Norsewoman,

Right on - keep on keeping on - it only gets better.

I have a reminder list - every time I "miss her" I remind myself it's the fantasy of what I wanted that I miss - and then I look around me at what is real - and then I remember how relieved I was when it became clear I was in fact getting out after 4 tries.

Thanks for this.

Rev

Thanks Lucky Jim.   A lot of pain, persistent hard work and a desire to be happy. Now the journey does indeed continue.

And Rev, what you said is what I think, I was in love with a fantasy. I am based in reality now.

NorseWoman

This, in itself, can become just as overwhelming as the pain. You want to heal, why haven't I healed yet? What's wrong with me? Why can't this just go away? When am I going to feel better? The rumination surrounding healing becomes almost as bad as the rumination about the ex! Letting go, surrendering to the pain, being patient, knowing that healing WILL come eventually at its own pace... that is almost healing in itself, I've found.


Excellent progress, and congratulations on the six months of NC - what a challenge, but imagine how much strength you are cultivating within yourself? Keep going  :heart:

I hear you, clvrnn.
I was too immersed in my healing, that's why I had to let it go.
Once I did this then my H.P. had room to work. The pain slowly started to leave, my healing began.
There will always be a little pain when I think of my ex, the thing is I don't think of the ex often any more. I have a life to live.
I have posted the rest of my story only to let others (even if its just one person), realize there is hope, we can recover from our connections from borderline personalities and go on to healthier relationships.

Norsewoman