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So many of the posts I read here are related to this strong pull we have to return, to hang on, to 're'attach to the relationship that we are trying to detach from.

I'd like to focus on some self reflection in this thread, not about the other person in our relationship, but about us. Why is it so hard? What binds us together so strongly to this dysfunction? What are the soul ties that keep us connected?

We know that there's the physical connection that brings about a chemical reaction in our bodies. That's one. There's the trauma bonds too and that's tough stuff!

For a number of weeks (probably a month and a half) I've been struggling with the emotional heaviness that came upon me after I read some emails that DH sent to me. I think there were 3 or 4 of them. Before then I had been very LC. I only scanned them, but there were certain words that stood out, words I've heard so often from him, defining words that aren't true of me. Yet...I believe them, and they hold my soul captive to his beliefs of me, and the want to convince him otherwise.

I met with my T this week and we spoke about soul ties, and I told him that I don't know how to figure out what they are. If I knew, then maybe I could cut those ties. He suggested something that resonated deeply: my identity is connected to my DH, a very strong soul tie to him.

My identity has been so wrapped up in who others think I am. I work hard to prove that I am not who they think I am (in the case of negative words spoken towards me) or that I work to affirm the positive impressions they have of me. Really I need to face that my learned behavior is that my identity isn't my own. My identity has become a soul tie that binds me to another person. In the example of my most intimate relationships, Wools has disappeared and she has become skilled at mirroring back what the other person thinks of her.

The roots go back to my childhood with my uBPDm, and this soul tie easily carried over into my marriage. So much of our growth is based on when we see and understand a concept because then we can chose to make some changes.

What soul ties do you find in your lives that you may need to challenge?

Wools

Oh, Wools, this whole post could be talking about me!

I struggle very much with letting others define me and believing that I must prove that what they say isn't true and convince them of it.

I wasted so much energy trying to control my ex's perception of me. Even now, I realize that he never truly knew me because he attributed thoughts, feelings, motives, and behaviors to me that were not true. I worked so hard to find a way to make him see the truth, and I also bought into a lot of his distorted thinking, so I found myself trying harder and harder to live up to impossible expectations.

It's a habit I have had since childhood. There were two adults in my family who were very critical of me- my father and my oldest sister. I felt like my actions were wrong, my thoughts were wrong, even my feelings were wrong. I became accustomed to someone else telling me I was wrong and me scrambling to fix that. Fix their opinion, fix their perception, fix their feelings. I had an extremely poor self differentiation, and I am working on that now.

I talked about this with a friend the other day, because I brought up my d11 and her struggle with self esteem. We talked about how important it is to help children develop a sense of self that will stand against others who attempt to tear it down. I didn't learn that, and it led me to get caught in more dysfunction. I don't want my kids jumping hoops to win approval from people who can't recognize their inherent value.

I looked to others for my identity and my value and worth as a person. One of the most cutting things my ex used to say was "you're worthless". And instead of telling myself it wasn't true, I scrambled to make him believe it wasn't true- while I was afraid that it was.

Hi folks  :hi:

IAR thanks for articulating my perspective so clearly - I can relate to every single word you wrote and like you it originates in childhood critiques and wounding.

My big concern is wondering if I myself am just as "disordered" as my exBPDh?  If he suffers from poor self-differentiation and mirrored me back to myself in the relationship, then surely I'm also guilty of the same crime - so to speak?   

My major focus in healing in the last year has been to take the focus of the exBPDh (which is difficult but necessary) and to look at my contribution to the relationship.  I really want to "fix" me going forward but do I really need fixing or do I just reject the decades of false perceptions projected on to me by my ex and others?  It's really hard for me to unscramble decades of programming by people who continuously pointed out my faults (some true and many not!) and to trust in my inherent worth as a person.  All my life, I've absorbed messages that me being me was just not enough - it's really hard to resist the idea that I need to turn myself into a pretzel in order to influence other people's perception of me.

For example, I'll have my first "date" in decades years later today (gulp!).  I'm super nervous but this common to anyone who starts dating so I'm not beating myself up about it too much.  I'm really working hard to observe my feelings and stay curious during this process.  I've fought the urge to "glam" up the packaging - new haircut and clothes etc.  I'm going to be presentable but truly representative of who I really am.  I'm not gonna "glam" up the inner packaging either but plan as much as possible to represent myself - warts and all - and see how things go.  I have a heightened awareness of not working to "win approval" but the urge is so strong - LOL!   I view this as the next step in my healing and I need lots of practice to figure it out.  Sigh...makes just a simple date so loaded...  :)

Warmly,
B

Baglady, just allow yourself to have fun. No pressure. Don't load up the date. Just go about it with the approach of living in the now and the moment. You deserve to be treated right and I hope it goes phenomenally well.

Redeemed, sadly things get said by people who do not necessarily understand the gravity of the words they are spewing out. Have no fear though...you are not worthless. Everyone has worth and anyone who dare try to use those hurtful words to demean you can stick it where the sun don't shine. Your worth is not predicated upon anyone else and you have nothing to prove to anyone, but yourself. Head up and believe in yourself that you are worth being treated with respect, honor, love, kindness, and whatever you deem important to you.

Wools, I will say you truly can't believe everything you hear. Additionally, forging your own identity can definitely be a challenge, but once you do it and you feel comfortable in your own skin to me I don't think there is a greater reward in life. Self awareness and getting to know yourself is perhaps the most important and useful tool we will ever have in life.

No one defines you, but YOU!

Cheers and thank you for sharing your insight. I appreciate your unique, kind, and caring perspective.

-SC-

I really like your question. In both my mother's and father's families scapegoating certain children is practiced. On my father's side of the family, there are six generations of scapegoats. It has taken me many years of therapy and lots of posting on this site, to no longer feel like a scapegoat, to realize that I am a worthy person in my own right, and human, as I am imperfect like everybody else. When you are the person to blame for another's unhappiness and it is a close relationship, it can take a long time to develop an identity that is based on who you truly are, and to disown the projected images that have been dumped on you by close family members who are too uncomfortable to own their own feelings and need to project them on a vulnerable person. I have found that practicing awareness is key as even now I sometimes find myself feeling badly about who I am, and when I closely examine how I am feeling I find it is usually from either a present projection of a family member being dumped on me or from past projections from family members.

It sounds like we all are struggling with similar issues. IAR, you've mentioned the battle of letting others define you, just as I do. There is hope that as we begin to work on defining ourselves, we challenge the false definitions with what is actually true. Not easy though.

Baglady, it is hard to know how much is projected and how much is our stuff to own. This is where I've found T to be especially helpful, as well as having close friends and mentors who offer positive input to tell me what they see. Having another's eyes view us and offer feedback can indeed challenge what we have heard for so long from a disordered person in our lives.

SC, thank you for the encouragement. Where do you fit into all of this? Do you struggle with soul ties as well?

Lastly, zachira, it's good to hear from you! I'm so glad you have been reflecting and challenging those generational issues that cause so many problems. I think it takes a lot of courage to break the soul ties from so long ago.

 :hug:
Wools

No problem on the encouragement. Life is all about the hard work you have to do to put a smile on your face and I would rather uplift others and be a part of the solution as I prefer to believe and see success stories.  |iiii As for soul ties...I find it to be a very fascinating concept. In relation...have you looked into karmic relationships? Beyond that, perhaps I do struggle with a soul tie of my own. I am willing to entertain and explore it as I do not believe it is out of the realm of possibility.

Cheers!

-SC-

Aside from your FOO, you have been married a long time. It's time to give yourself some grace. A lot of what you're struggling with is normal,  BPD, FOO, notwithstanding.

Thanks, Turkish.  Nice to hear from you.  :hug:
I suppose you're right. 35 years is a long time to establish a relationship and have 3 children and 2 grandchildren and one more on the way. Sometimes it's just hard to  remember to be kind to myself. It's easier to remind all the rest of you!

Today was one of those "I do not want to repeat" days. Last night I learned of a dear friend of 30 plus years who found out she has breast cancer, and it's quite serious. Then this afternoon I learned that a very kind man from our church whom I've often spoken with over the last 25 years is within days of passing away. Tonight I found out that another friend of mine (he was also friends with my grandpa) died a week ago. Both of these men, in their 90's were WWII Navy Vets. Sighs... Sadness and grief.

The realtor is coming to walk through our house Thursday. She said that February is the best time to list. I asked DH if he thought he could be ready. He hasn't done much in the house since I left in January. DH asked me over the weekend if it would make a difference if he severed ties with the felon he has invested so much money and time and relationship with. I told him that since he feels I am so controlling, I'm stepping out of the marriage so he doesn't feel controlled by me anymore. He nodded his head. It is projection. Fixing the problem with this guy, his partner, is only one of many problems. It won't fix the brokenness of our dysfunctional marriage. My safety physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially would still not be present.

I heard back from my attorney yesterday. He can file the dissolution papers in the county where I'm living in an apartment.

Darn grief anyway. I know this will pass, but for today and maybe tomorrow, I will feel what I feel.

Wools

Too little, too late for Mr. Ex-Con. I'm glad you were honest with your husband.  You both deserve that though I'm sure that conversation was also sad on top of the other people in your life. 

This is such a great question.

Number one, I have been reading so much on "Intermittent Reinforcement." A person can become addicted to anyone or anything if it includes an unpredictable schedule of really wonderful moments (ie social media likes). That, plus trauma bonding equals a strong unintentional addiction.

I am now thinking of my ex as a pile of cocaine that I did not know that I was being exposed to, but accidentally got addicted to.

I recently started dating. I've met three women that I'm interested in. Just a couple of dates with each person, and haven't slept with any of them. Two of them are nice, normal people. Good jobs, solid, stable. The type you trust. The third is very hot and cold. Probably not BPD, just a person with intimacy issues who acts super interested in me until I show interest, and then she backs off immediately. If I back off, then suddenly she's super interested in me again. She's a tease. I don't like her that much as a person but she's fun, charismatic and a great kisser. When I made out with her she was super passionate. So of course, who am I thinking about the most? Not the two nice normal people I went out with, and will go out with again. I am thinking about the passionate one who will suddenly disappear after making out with me. As much as I don't want this drama, I'm noticing myself attracted to her. Clearly, I'm thrill seeking. I wish I wasn't. I want to step away from the drama person, but there is a strong attraction. In the moments that she does pay attention to me, it's a gambler's high. The other people are more like a solid steady paycheck, way more sensible.

I'm trying to figure out what in my childhood made me this way, but I don't know.

ETA: I just got off the phone with one of the nice, normal people I went out with. She's such a relief from the drama person. I see that the drama person is attractive but honestly I've only known her a few weeks and I'm already bored. It's nice to notice that I can also get super bored with drama.

Forgiveness, not to come off condescending, but I'm proud of you. LOL. This is great progress. Way to go.

Drama gets old real fast for sure.

Good luck to you and hope to see you happy!

Cheers!

-SC-

I know this is an older post but WOW. I've had 5 girlfriends; 3 have been diagnosed BPD. First one I didn't know at all (she was physically and emotionally abusive, I found out years later she was diagnosed), second one I started to read up about stuff, and she told me she was diagnosed with it; and the third one I actually called out her diagnosis (to myself) before she was actually diagnosed by doctors. Sad thing about the third one is that I was naive / arrogant enough to think I could deal with it / help support her while she waited for therapy. I really did love her; in the end it ended the same as all the others, but with me finally cutting the cord after she tried to keep contacting me after we broke up.

Going back to your quote, I grew up in a home with an incredibly controlling mother and an emotionally distant / indifferent father. I've finally realized I'm drawn to these women because of codependency issues I didn't know existed. I was never validated as child. I would get a 90 on an exam, and my mom would ask why I didn't get 95. I was once grounded for getting an 85 on an accounting test, and grounded again for wearing pajamas on pajama day to school (it was a 12th grade / senior tradition). She was extremely critical of me for 20 years of my life. At work I am consistently taken advantage of, closer coworkers have pointed out I'm a pushover. And in relationships - I'm drawn to these emotionally damaged women and they're drawn to me. And they eat me for breakfast - I am learning, and am finally setting clear boundaries with the 3rd BPD ex.

Just wanted to tell you you're not alone. I endured years of my mom calling me a loser, and being punished for no good reason. Your post spoke volumes to me!

Las1604,

Wools started on the Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD board, which used to be called "Coping and Healing." The board Parrot, Kwamina, used to quip, "all roads lead to C&H." For most of us, that is accurate. Our past drives our present.

If you want to post your story there, you will be most welcome. I ended up there over a year after I started here on Detaching. It took me that long to connect the dots between my present struggle and my past. A few years later, my mom admitted to having BPD... and it was anti climactic as I had by then figured it out. 

I apologize; I am new to the board and wasn't aware!

No apologies necessary, post wherever is applicable and where you feel comfortable  :hug:

I am interested in your FOO (family of origen) though.

Great question Wools

My soul ties are tied too a self searching that lives into the dissatisfaction of life in others. I don't solve. I hold on to that and bear witness. It's what I do in my vocation - especially during grief.  It's tied to the unexpressed grief of my parents - my father grew up in NAZI occupied Europe - my grandfather escaped from the work camp he was sent to. My mother's father was a literal gangster and tried to kill my grandmother. They escaped.

So much trauma. I became empathic through that, which makes me who I am today in the vocation I practice.

So when I met my ex with uBPD, I went directly to the trauma - suppressed the bad behavior in the same way I never knew what to do when my father would lash out at me psychologically and my mother would enable that. I was only ever bad enough that I could convince myself that it wasn't that bad. 

My bond to my ex is tied up in all of that. Her choices - they were severe enough that once both my parents died - the trauma bond broke. But I am still mopping up.  Every day gets easier.

Wools, you have been a blessing in my life. Thank you for this thread.

Rev

I come from eastern European background. My grandparents came here up WW2 - I'm second generation Canadian.

Indeed! No matter where you start out at, in the end all roads lead to PSI (formerly C&H)' -- A very wise old parrot

Speaking about soul ties, as Board Parrot, I feel a strong connection to these boards, for birds of a feather flock together.' :)