BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I have been married a bit over a year.   My wife moves across the country to be married to me,  but she hates it here.   She has told me several times how much she regrets marrying me, but I try so hard to serve and show kindness.   When she’s in a good mood, she is very serving and considerate, but she’s extremely volatile.   She has not made 1 single friend here and doesn’t take any responsibility for that on herself.   She always interpret every social situation in ways I can’t understand.   If we go to eat with a group, if she’s upset or believes someone has been rude, she will take on a very negative demeanor.   Of course, she can’t recognize that or admit to having any kind of attitude.  She seems to interpret everyone else’s behaviors as “rude” or “uncouth” and she responds in ways I and others find... well, rude... and uncouth .

When talking to her when she’s upset, she seems to have no grip on rationality.  It seems like anything I say will ramp up her emotions and she’ll see herself more and more as a victim.   If I give her space and go for a walk... she feels abandoned.    It feels like I’m losing my mind in the process of it.

I’m a young minister in our church, and this dynamic is crippling any dreams I’ve had of Ministerial work, or raising a healthy family.   I have no idea how to help her, because...  if she can’t even admit when she has a bad attitude, she won’t admit or so consider the possibility of having BPD.   She refuses any sort of marriage counseling.    What can I do for peace?   I need peace.   She is in the other room crying loudly right now as I lay in bed alone.   If I follow her in there to comfort... it will eventually lead to more fighting.   If I stay here, I will have “stayed in here just letting her cry alone”

Please help.

Hello and welcome, Preacher! :hi:

Your situation sounds frustrating and bewildering -- and, unfortunately, familiar to many of us here. My husband frequently complains about my family's treatment of him and reactions to him, yet, when we're all together, he just sits and glares and looks like he'd just as soon punch someone in the mouth as speak. Does he get that? Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't.


Yep. As you've found, talking to her when she's upset is unlikely to net any positive outcome. She's in full emotional mode. Kind of like how they tell you not to try to reason with a small child mid-tantrum. They won't/can't hear you. People with BPD have great difficulty in managing and processing emotions -- and they feel emotions very strongly, perhaps even more strongly than the rest of us.

Anyway, we have a lot of experience and skills we can share with you that can help you. They've helped me. Just curious, have you done much research or reading on BPD? Often, knowing and understanding the disorder can really help us know how to respond to situations in an effective matter. And, as I've learned, often our responses play a large role in how things progress. Not that it's our fault. Not at all. But we do have a part to play.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions.
When you give her space and go for a walk, how does that usually go? What do you say or do before you leave?
Do you point out her attitude to her after you've been in social situations? If so, how?

Keep posting and, again, welcome! :hug: