BPDFamily.com

My uBP sister is on my mind so much this week. I will not be seeing her over the holidays, but she will be with the rest of my family at Christmas.
Lately I have been going over the last decade of conflict - reading emails, reading books, coming in here.
I shut down when she went off the rails after my dad died. I did not address her anger, or the angry emails that came my way until she asked me 8 months later to tell her way I had pulled away from her. I wrote an explanation using all "I felt" statements, and I addressed her hostility. She denied all of it. I pulled away further. I did not set a clear limit with her, I simply withdrew. I was required to keep in touch with my siblings because I was executor for the estate, but I did not connect with her much at all on a personal level.
As I look back I see that I made attempts to connect with her (more than she did with me) but they didn't go anywhere toward healing.
Fast forward to today. I still suffer knowing that I did not tell her directly why I had withdrawn, other than that one letter which she denied. At that time she turned the gaslight on and smeared me to other family members and I pulled further and further away.
To this day I feel so badly that I didn't address my failings in the destruction of our (once close) relationship. I feel like I want to apologize for the parts that I could have handled much better. I want to come right out and take responsibility for withdrawing and not addressing the situation in a straightforward (not scared of her) way.
We are pretty much NC now. She contacted me at Thanksgiving and it sounded somewhat friendly, though a touch loaded. I didn't respond.
I feel like I need to own up to my part in this with her. Is that a crazy idea? I want to tell her I'm sorry for when I dropped the ball and pulled farther and farther away. She has been telling the abandonment story for years now, how I "waged war" on her and turned my back on her. I did turn my back on her. She saw it as punitive, but I knew I was walking away from abuse. I never made it clear.
I think part of my desire to do this has to do with still wanting my other sister, her enabler/rescuer to see that I made yet one more effort to make it right.
Conundrum... not at peace...still feeling like I should have done more.
Thank you, everyone.

Hi.

Maybe telling your sister that you were grieving at the time and made choices that you would have made differently today will help you feel better about this?  Does saying something like that line up with what is in your heart?  If not, change it.  We can help with wording.

I think it is important to look at these issues separately.  Would an apology be the right thing for you given your values?  Would it allow you to move through some of the hurt and upset regarding the way you handled things after your dad died?  Would it help your sister to deal with her own grief?

I don't think apologizing to prove anything to your other sister is a good idea though I understand the desire.   Wanting others to see we have done what we can to make peace is, I think, fairly common. 

When it comes to apologies, I try to remember the outcome is out of my hands.  I give my apologies freely and without strings, hoping it will be heard and accepted while letting go with the knowledge that it is up to the recipient to accept or not accept.  It is out of my hands and I have to deal with the consequences of my own behavior. 

Apologizing to have your other sister see you differently, is, I think, potentially setting up a drama triangle.  Triangulation happens in all relationships and is a healthy thing (usually).  Drama triangles (see the Karpman triangle article (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)) are something else entirely though.   See what you think of the article.