BPDFamily.com

Hi again,
At the same time as I am struggling with whether I should apologize to my uBP sister I am feeling compassion for my brother.
My uBP sister discarded him last year. Now she has invited herself (and my other sister) to the family Xmas that will be held at my brother's son's home. My nephew said yes, but if there is any drama sister will be asked to leave. Good boundaries!
My brother and his wife are so upset they feel like they don't want to go, and that is their family!
Anyway, my brother and I have been talking about how difficult it is with this sister and we have been supporting each other through former issues, and now this.
I have never said the word borderline to him because I don't want him to be in the position of keeping that to himself, and he might say it to someone else in the family which could have broken telephone repercussions. It is hard enough as it is, without another family member having to hold their tongue with that word like I do.
Is that a problem? Is this triangulation? We do talk about stuff she has done, or is doing or saying, but mostly we work together to help each other decide how to handle the difficulties. It is truly a supportive ongoing discussion, rather than a gossip session on how difficult she is. 
Should we refrain from doing this?
Thank you all.

I'm only going to respond in this one thread to help have a more consistent message.  If you believe there is a pressing question/issue in another thread that's not being addressed, please ask again in this thread.

Some links that can be helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I think it's wise on your part to post these issues here to get help thinking through how you "handle" your sister.

Manytimes people that aren't "close" to a situation can "see" things that it's hard to see when you are in the middle of things.

At first blush, I don't think that you and your brother are triangulating.  Again, you are right to ask and do need to be vigilant.

What I see is you and your brother attempting to form a common front (consistency) to disordered behavior from other family members.  If you start talking to your brother and your brother passes along that info to your sister or vice versa, then  I see  red-flag red-flag red-flag

Does that make sense to you? 

I would advise you NOT to share suspicions about "borderline" with your brother.  I  WOULD encourage you to be explicit about behaviors and speech patterns that are concerning.  Perhaps nudge him to explore on his own for what it means.

I would also advise you NOT to apologize unless we have talked it through thoroughly here.

Apologizing to "feel better" rarely works out well.  Apologizing when you have done something to apologize for usually does work out well.

I would want to know details on what you would want to apologize for?

 :hug: :hug:

So sorry you are finding yourself in this position.  We get it and we can help!

 :hug: :hug:

Best,

FF

Welcome, Sandalwood. I’m relatively new here, so will leave advice to others on this forum. I relate to your position- I’m in the same place with my uBPD SIL and enmeshed brother. I have felt the same pangs if guilt for being NC/ LC- feeling bad about giving no real explanation. It takes time to process what is going on. It’s good to have a journal to refer back to it whenever one’s understanding of all that happened gets foggy.

At one point early on, I tried to explain and it was a disaster... gaslighting, guilt, etc. My only apology was “I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt”. I never apologized for anything I did or didn’t do, because I felt I had just been protecting myself. Apologizing to my SIL would be just like handing her material for her next meltdown.

What could you/would you have done differently with your sister? As for your brother, it sounds like you are helping each other. I’ll look forward to reading what feedback you get here.

Thanks for sharing and best wishes.