BPDFamily.com

I have been with my partner for 9 years, married for almost 1 year. I thought that I can save her, help her out of her depression, make life somehow bearable. I love her so much. I can't even entertain the thought of not being with her. Mostly because it would mean I failed. I failed her, myself and her family who trusted me with her well-being. I am not perfect. I seek help for my own depression and I find myself stuck. I cannot progress with my life and because I am in limbo when it comes to job security and living situation I cannot provide my spouse with security and a stable household. This obviously makes everything worse for her. I have tolerated verbal and physical abuse and before you say I should leave her let me just say that is not an option I am willing to consider or even discuss, maybe one day I will come to this realisation on my own but that day has not come. I feel I have done nothing and everything for my wife. I have sacrificed so much yet it amounts to nothing in her eyes. One day she is completely in love and grateful that I am in her life and the next day I am labelled as the devil incarnate for promising her so much and not delivering, for treating her the way her family treated her, for not acknowledging her feelings and making an effort to help. Sometimes she is right, I cannot deny this.  She has had a very tough life. Severe mental illness is rooted deeply in her father's side of the family. Huge abandonment issues because indeed she was abandoned as a child, abandoned by her ex-fiance, by close friends she supported for years. People have been cruel to her and I accepted and acknowledged those experiences and feelings. She is an intense person and not many people can handle her, especially those who are insecure  about themselves tend to reflect their insecurities on to her and villainize her. In most instances she did not deserve this treatment and I have been trying to defend her for years. However, when it comes to our relationship, she only sees what she does for me and conveniently dismissed what I do for her. She probably doesn't see this as this is typical with BPD. She makes constant threats to kill herself when she is going through her rage moments. I feel like I have become the enabler by always dropping everything and running to her rescue to find that most of the times I make things worse, for her and myself. I make things worse for myself by conceding  to her accusations and claims. I accept the blame to keep the peace. I swallow my pride, my feelings, my own rage to bring her down to reality. I try distracting her and many times it works.
But I keep asking myself, when will this cycle stop? Will it stop if she goes through with one of those suicide threats? will it stop when I end my own life? She refuses to seek help because she has seen how medication has failed her father and many of her friends and family. I accept that medication doesn't work for everyone  and most probably not instantly. She claims that she cant go for help in the country we are living in because she doesn't speak the language here, and even if she does find someone who speaks English (I found several) she just doesn't like the people here and doesn't see past some of the bad experiences we have had in this country which makes her distrust everyone. I hope and plan towards going somewhere new where we can both thrive and get the help we both need but this will take some time (long story). Her family tries to help by doing some small practical things but I feel that they are happy she is far so they done have to deal with her drama.  I know there are things out of my control. I know I cannot drag her to therapy. I don't even know how to tell her I think she has BPD. I encourage her to go to therapy for depression and past trauma but that doesn't work. Every time we fight it seems like this is it, the end. Yet here we are again, like a broken record. I feel so hopeless yet inside me there is voice that keep telling me there is hope for her still. I love her so much yet I am so stuck.