BPDFamily.com

I feel like I'm being oversensitive or overreacting. I'm having real problems with my husband right now (recently come to believe he likely has BPD too). I think that's making me more vulnerable to what I'll call "the microaggressions" from my mother. Things have been good with uBPD mom for a while, to the point that I actually started to wonder if I was wrong about her ever having BPD. Now I realize I probably wasn't wrong, just learned how to relate to her in a way where I lower my expectations of her behaviour, which keeps the peace between us.

Anyways, does anyone else's BPD make subtle comments that always feel like "bait"? In the summer my mom commented my daughter had a "giant head". Who says such a thing! Anyways, both my toddler's heads are under the average size (but within normal range, of course). So I know the comment was absurd (even though I can see with my own eyes their heads are normal size, I have science on my side, lol). She often comes out with ludicrous things like this and I feel like it's designed (possibly unconsciously) to start a fight. I let that one go.

The other day she asked if I ever got teased for my overbite (because we were discussing my niece's need for braces). I don't have an overbite! Apparently some dentist as a child tried to get orthodontic work approved for me, the claim was denied. Suggesting I don't have an overbite...When I said to her I'm not sure I really have one, since no subsequent dentist has ever commented about it (and my teeth look normal, nobody meeting me would think anything about an overbite). She doubled down on it. Then commented that she and I were "pretty despite our overbites". It was just ridiculous. She doesn't have a noticeable overbite either, but a dentist in her childhood thought she needed orthodontics and her mother thought that was ridiculous and a scam. I tend to agree with my grandmother...

I said several times gently that I'm not totally sure if my teeth might meet some clinical definition for overbite, but I think they look normal and have had no problems with them being loose, or crooked, so it seems I didn't really need orthodontics as a child. And said her comments were exaggerating the situation and I felt they were a little insulting, though not intended to be. She just kept persisting with the idea that I have an overbite.

She accused me of "fighting with her over everything" (I didn't even think we were fighting, I was trying to let her know to knock it off as nicely as possible) and that she doesn't know what to say to me that I might misconstrue. I usually let her comments like this slip because I know that there's nothing in it for me to say that I don't like how she's making me feel about something. Now she's not talking to me. The overall message is just that she doesn't really care about how she makes me feel, I am not allowed to say "that comment hurt me", I am supposed to always "understand" that her intention is not to hurt me and therefore I shouldn't say anything if she does say something hurtful.

I don't know why I bother, because I always come away feeling worse than if I'd just let it slide.

cleotokos, I hear you.  :hug:  I read through some of your other posts to get context about what's going on with your husband. I left an emotionally abusive relationship about 13 years ago with 3 kids ages 5, 3 and 1. I did what I had to do at the time and I'm so glad now that I did. Please know that I fully appreciate the strength it takes to walk the road you're on.

I'm also in the middle of a good deal of conflict with my husband, and I am more sensitive than usual. It's like my skin is rubbed raw. Small things that I may have been able to ignore are more bothersome than usual. It is an exhausting space to be.

I know you already know this, but I want to write it anyway - it is absolutely 100% OK to tell your mom that her comments hurt your feelings. I read page 158 on Walking on Eggshells today, "Be a mirror, not a sponge." You recognize that hurting you wasn't her intent, and yet her insistent comments began to hurt your feelings, so you spoke up. She overreacted instead of listening, caring, maybe even apologizing for hurting your feelings unintentionally. You gently turned the mirror on her and you're allowing her to take responsibility for her behavior. You handled it beautifully! What she does now is up to her.  |iiii

That might not help make you feel better. I know it feels worse right now. It's so, so tough to change family dynamics.   :hug: :hug: