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I know we're not supposed to JADE, and even though I struggle to do so and fails a lot of times, I do remember the rule and try to use it in my conversations with uBPDh.  However, what to do when he actually misinterprets what you say, and is using this misinterpretation against you?  Basically what happened was we were discussing something (x), he thinks I'm trying to get my own way, on how to do x I'm really not, but I do have a very forceful conversation mode which sounds aggressive, and also I would always try to argue (even though I wasn't trying to last night), so can't blame him for thinking & thinking that (am trying to work on it), but then I got stupid and said something which totally doesn't belong to the conversation ("I have been thinking, maybe I shouldn't do x at all") and things went from bad to worse from there.

What I tried to express: "Yeah I agree that doing x takes a lot of time, I know you're very supportive of it, but I also wonder if I should do it at all because it's a lot of time investment... maybe that time could be used to do other stuff?"

What he hears: "I didn't get my own way on how to do x, so I'm just gonna threaten him and say that maybe I won't do it at all.  It's all or nothing for me."

So he exploded on how I emotionally threaten him with everything I do, if I don't get my own way I will ruin things by not doing them at all.

JADE doesn't help at this point (tried it), I tried telling him I mentioned about not doing it for time reasons and not to threaten him at all, that I'm actually agreeing with him that it's time consuming.  And then he said that I don't even admit to my wrongdoing, I'm still trying to argue my way out of it and make myself sound innocent.

He wants me to apologise for that and I apologised for the way I spoke and how I know that bringing up that point then sounded bad and hurtful, that I hurt his feelings.  But it's not enough for him because he says I'm shying away from admitting that I made threats by saying I will not do x if I don't get my way.  

But I can't agree and apologise to that either, because if I admit it then it means I agree with his accusation of me, that it's not him misunderstanding me... so what should I have said, in hindsight?  Can somebody help me?  As I go through a lot of these stupid arguments.  

I know that either way he's going to think of me the way he decided to, and probably no amount of explanation would help... but how could I have reacted differently?  What worked for you in this situation?

As you know, for pwBPD, feelings = facts. If your H felt like you were making a threat because you didn't get your way, then, as far as he's concerned, that's what you said. No amount of arguing or explaining is going to work. It's just going to invalidate his feelings.

You're right. JADE doesn't work and, in fact, usually makes things worse. And you don't want to validate the invalid. Have you tried SET (Support Empathy Truth -- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)? Something like "You felt like I was threatening because I didn't get my way. That can't have felt good. I know I feel hurt and upset when people do that to me. What I was trying to say was X."

Also, pwBPD tend to be hyper-sensitive to tone and body language. You say you have a forceful, aggressive-sounding style. Is that something you work on?

Hi Ozzie101,


Yeah I am working on that but it's hard because I've had so many years of "practice" speaking in a certain tone and style, you know?  When I'm consciously controlling myself I can do it, but when I let my guard down... well, you know...

I did try SET when I regained control of myself, but that was after JADEing so it didn't really work...