BPDFamily.com

Hello I’m new here and also new to BPD.  A background on my situation, my now ex-girlfriend shows several traits of BPD. I didn’t know anything about BPD until after we broke up for 4th time, 6 week ago. We were together for 4 years; I was married at the time and fell in love with this lady leaving behind, wife, son and family.

Our relationship has been very intense and she qualifies it repeatedly of toxic, of course because of my lack of knowledge about BPD I made many mistakes, many times (abandon, rejection, confrontation, etc.) of course with no bad intention but as consequence of discussions and fights that most of the time were triggered by her ups and downs in her emotions which I wasn’t able to understand.

All in all we had excellent times together. The path that I am experiencing right now is exactly the same as in the past when she broke with me previously. I will try to explain… while we were on a very nice intimacy moment she start crying and asking me not to leave her never ever as she would be devastated if I did so. Needless to say that in 4 years’ time of relationship I’ve never broke up with her, but rather tried to discuss and fix problems as adults. She has a daughter (6) and I have a son (5) we were about to move together on January 2020. In October we went on holidays without the kids and spent a wonderful time together. After making love one night out of the blue she begged not to leave her (I should be more attentive to this repetitive path). As soon as we arrive back the problems started and she started to be irritated and to push back. One day she text me and say that she want to stop the relationship. After 4 consecutive days of conversations about the breakup, where one day she was firm about her position the next she hesitated and treat me lovely we make love and plans for the rest of the weekend, then again down… to finally ask me to grab all my stuff that she collected on boxes and leave her place. She always said that she loved me and I do believe is true.

I try everything in a desperate manner to avoid losing her I wrote letters of love, try to give her rational explanations, explained the changes I was doing to make it up. She was already inside her shield and was like talking to a wall. The more I tried the further away she ran.

I let some days pass and try to engage contact…she replied hours later (which is not the usual) in a polite way but very distant not engaging in further conversations.

Then few days later I managed to convince her to see each other for a coffee, she agreed and two hour later she replied that it was not a good idea that we don’t have nothing to talk about that our relationship is over and I need to move on. She was very upset I have the impression that she felt it was a trap.

The trigger for her to stop the relationship is that she felt that I was hesitating about moving together.

I’ve been 6 week in a huge depression but working on me with therapists and the week after she left me I discover about BPD; of course I have gone through every single document on the web doing research on the topic.

Where I am now is that I have two days were I been feeling better because I went back to our WhatApps conversations from the previous brokeup and I realized that is the exactly same path. Last time she left for someone else (this time does not seems to be the case). Our last conversation went ballistic and I just stated at the end that I will give her some space and that the channel is open is she want to contact me.

So far no contact from me or her during  the last week. I do love that woman and I am conscious now of her disorder and I am committed to stay with her

For those dealing with GF going and coming back what would be your advise should I keep the silence (with the risk that she felt abandoned even if I clearly stated that I am just giving her space) or should I keep trying to get her back by all means without insisting too much. Does time really help BPD people to calm down and let their negative emotions fade away to restore the positive emotions of the good experiences of the past? How to manage communication when a trait of BPD persons seems to be upset?

Any advice will be highly appreciated. 

Hi Swiss! Welcome to the family! :hi:

As you've learned, a relationship with a pwBPD is a bewildering roller coaster at times. Fortunately, you've found a place full of people who understand what you're going through. And we have tools and experience we can share.

It sounds like you're experiencing the push/pull dynamic — a familiar one around here. If you read other threads, you'll find many people in similar situations. I hope you'll read and post there. You never know when you can learn something new from someone else's situation, or when you can help someone.


Time can help, yes. With a little time and space, pwBPD can often return to "baseline." However, keep in mind that this is a cycle and the pushing away is likely to return. Good times, bad times -- both are temporary. She left before? She's likely to again.

In the meantime, I'd encourage you to read up on some of the articles (in tabs at the top of the page) and workshops (there's a special board for these here on the forum) we have. There's a lot of valuable information. For starters, I'd recommend these:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

When you have time, I hope you'll take a look and tell us what you think. Keep posting!

Dear Ozzie,

thanks for your prompt reply. I have gone throught a lot of the discussions on this website, there is a lot to learn from. Also the articles you suggest me are very useful. I undertood it is a cycle and I can tell that looking back on the time the cycles have been less frequent. I only wished that I know about BPD before, never is too late and in 6 weeks (since she left and I learned about BDP) I've consolidated more knowledge than in our 4 years of relationship.

I think I've understood a simple concept with BPD people, you cannot have a rational discussion when they are emotional. Now I am giving her space and time in order to get her to experience again the posive emotions of our relationship and hopefully she will establish contact again.

That's actually true for a lot of people without personality disorders, too, by the way. :( But, given the difficulties of emotional regulation, the emotional immaturity and the over-sized emotions, yeah, it's even more difficult. While I hate referring to pwBPD as children, it's a lot like trying to reason with a toddler mid-tantrum. They won't hear you. It's pointless.

Giving her space is good. That's often the best thing you can do. Keep the door open, but don't push. Chasing after a person and pushing tends to have an effect opposite of what we want.

And, as I said, in the meantime, keep learning about BPD. Read up on communication tools like SET and DEARMAN, which can be very helpful in our relationships and have a much better outcome than JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). JADEing feels natural (I did a LOT of it) but it actually causes even more problems.

Hi,

i am in a very similar situation. what was the conclusion in the end?

Kind Regards,

Hello Sleeper,

So far I haven't received any contact from her and I am in NC period. I am planning to send a xmas SMS (I am triggering some positive emotional sensation on that SMS) next tuesday. She seems quite firm on her position about not coming back. She will go on holidays to the mountains tonight until january with her family. I hope that she uses that time to soften and restablishing some contact. I am working my head about passing xmas completely alone that will be a tought test.

all the best and merry xmas

i am also in the same situation as yourself. I just keep getting blocked from every source of contact and its just so sudden. Bpd generally all come back given the space they require

The issue with timeframes for her "coming back" is that she probably doesn't share them and you have little control over what would "soften her up" about coming back to you.

In my experience its a combination of time apart to get over the heightened emotions and think back on the good times and some triggering situation.

My ex has contacted me almost every time at a stressful time in her life. Moving, exbf trouble, a medical thing, a new job...

Maybe thats an isolated case, but I think she will have her own process of when/if she decides to resume contact regardless of your efforts.

That doesn't mean there's nothing to do. You can figure out the underlying dynamic of why the constant breakups so you can be ready if she decides to talk to you again, to not fall for the same "trap" that's keeping you bouncing back and forth

Worst part about it that it shouldnt be like this. it should be a streamline relationship but its just problems after problems. when i am hot she goes cold and visa vera. My issue was about getting engaged as she kept saying i am putting it off. everytime i went back to her even with a ring once. She said the ring isnt given at the right time so she said no. later we got back together now the same issue has risen. This time her family are putting pressure on her and i said look, we need to discuss what going on your brother said he doesnt like me, there no point in getting engaged to get seperated again. Long story she took this as a sign i dont want to get engaged...go figure

Hello Everyone,

coming back from holidays where I spent the worst xmas ever. I sent her the message for xmas that she appreciated and then a letter for the first day of 2020. We exchanged some sms, she keeps saying that our relationship is over and she is not willing to come back. I tried to invite her for a coffee to see each other face to face but she won’t accept. She seems scared to sit face to face even if I am not willing to talk about our relationship.

I've been working on me and I feel now more detached from the relationship and I am trying to inverse the roles (meaning trying to be on a position where I have control and I don’t look demanding or needy). I will keep giving her some space and see how it evolve...

sleeper123 Being blocked is very painful as will make things difficult. I am lucky that the communication channel is open and the answers I get are polite however she does not goes further into a conversation. I can sense that there are feelings on her side and she might be going through a process too.

itsmeSnap I do fully agree that timeframes for "coming back" are difficult to establish as each person is different as well as to what would "soften her up". However all my communication with her is conciliating I am avoiding to confront her in any way... when she says she don’t want to see me I validate I says she is right and that it might not be the right time. I do not get emotional and my replies are written in a nice way (empathy). I also reply within a larger time frame 2 to 3 days. Now that I am very aware she has many traits of BPD I will definitely be in a better position to start a new relation with her. (If she ever comes back)

Last update and I will appreciate your thoughts based on your experience.
Today I bumped on the street in to my ex that I havent seen for 2 months... I was surprised to see her and I can tell she is not doing well... the way she walked, she was smoking (she only do it when she in extreme stress, the look on her eyes and her face when she saw me. I have the impression she is suffering from the break up as I have seen that reaction before. We had a 2 min light conversation very polite and we say good bye. 40 minutes later I bump again into her and this time it was another person... a big smile, she looked happy... like one of those typical humor behaviours of BPDs. I can not say that is related to her seeing me but I would like to know your opinion. I haven't write to her since we crossed path. Her last message from last Saturday when I invite her for a coffee was "our relationship is over and I don't see a point in sharing a coffee with you". I am planning to answer to that message tonight saying that I was glad to see her and that I understand that our relationship is over, that I am not interested in coming back (not really true).

Any insights?

There's no telling why there was the relatively sudden change in demeanor and mood.

What do you hope to accomplish by writing back to the message now?

I was planning to send the message since yesterday and it was even ready. My objective is tell her that I am detaching from the dependency and that I've fully move from denial to acceptance on the fact that our relationship is over. I am planning to do it in a very polite way. The idea is to try and get her less scared to see me. I really would like to have a chat with her but she was avoiding me all the time. I would like to give her space and if she feels like get her back to me by her owns means.

You say yourself that you're not completely detached and that any statements that you're not interested in having a relationship would be dishonest. I'm not sure it's a good idea to make dishonest statements like that. If you're doing it to make her more comfortable so she'll reach out and agree to talk to you, as it sounds in your post (forgive me if I'm reading it wrong!) that's a bit manipulative.

Continuing to give her space sends her a message of respect that's more honest. You're not lying about your intentions, but you're respecting her wants and needs. Contacting her -- even to tell her you're over her -- is still contacting her and could be construed by her as putting pressure on her, depending on where she is, emotionally, right now. It could blow up in your face. It might not. But that's a risk you run.

I'd leave it at exactly that. Nothing more needs to be said.

In fact, thats exactly what I told my ex, we've been talking on good terms for three months now.

Then don't go heavy with going straight for relationship stuff, she might be happy to see you and you are happy to see her, but that doesn't mean a relationship is on the horizon. For me there wasn't (after her ghosting me like that hell no  :( lol), and neither for her (she has a new bf)

So have you talked to her? My ex had an easier time hearing what I've been up to (outside relationship grieving, no point in talking about that for me) and eventually she opened up slowly about ehat she had gone through.

I'm in agreement with Ozzie on this.

Thank you for your comments... I wrote her that I was glad to see her and she inmediatly replied in good terms. looks like the dialogue could start again. I will avoid "false statements" as I do agree with you.

Let's see what the future has prepared for us. I know that I love that woman and I am willing to share my life with her despite of her udBPD