BPDFamily.com

Is it normal for someone with BPD to find someone similar for their next partner?

I have become aware that my ex husband is dating a guy with the same first name, birthdate is the day before mine and he has the car, house, etc.  When my ex and I started dating I was separated from my previous partner though we were working on things ... this new guy was in a relationship and based upon social media patterns my ex's efforts started 3 months prior.  The only differences is the new guys house has a pool and he is of similar age to my ex vs the age difference we had.  Social media he started posting things a couple months ago about transforming, the vacuum law of prosperity, etc.  I knew something was up back in June as he went silent and suspected he was working on lining up a replacement.

I find it surprising as he said people saw him as a gold digger after the discard in January.  My ex has held a job for 8 months however if he makes it more than 6 months.  He has a history of self sabotaging his employment a few months after he clears a year.  He does fly under the radar more being a Quiet Borderline and with crafty manipulation of people however doing a repeat of someone with greater financial means seems like a recipe for having the same thing case on him.  Nearest my therapists can figure out my ex left out of shame of not being a man and his inability to maintain employment while being with someone who financially didn't need him deepened this shame.

Just really puzzled by all this as it makes no logical sense.

The birthday would be a coincidence, and roughly half the population owns homes, more cars, but the name is interesting.

There might be some motivations driven by pathology here, or it might simply be that's what he's attracted to.  When we were first dating, my ex compared me to the boyfriend before her last, the one she was still in love with. "You're tall like him, he was also into guns and motorcycles and he was also smart." Aside from her rudeness which I didn't call out, that might have been just what she liked at that point in her life. 

As my T told me, "not everything needs to be pathologized."

So it might be something and it might not be something. Regardless, what about it bothers you, logic or illogic aside?

my ex jumped out of our relationship and into a relationship with a guy who looked a lot like me, and we had a lot in common.

it wasnt lost on me. it wasnt lost on mutual friends. and from mutual friends who told me privately, i know it wasnt lost on her.


years (many) later, i would tell you that there is not a specific answer to this question.

BPD is a disorder of emotions that affects around 20 million people. its hallmarks are impulsivity, suicidality, and eating disorders. there is nothing about the disorder, specifically, that indicates a proclivity for a type of partner. in fact all of my exs previous exes were all very, very different.

what i can also tell you is that it hurts, really hurts, to witness an ex move on; any ex. far, far more so when it looks like there was a connection before our relationships even ended. that was true in my case. it only became apparent to me in the aftermath. its a cowardly thing to do, i think, when youre facing the precipice of ending a relationship, to look for another. unfortunately, lots of people do it, BPD or not.

do you find youre comparing yourself to the new guy?

I would say its normal. We all have a type, we all have aspirations in life.

None of us think that for my next relationship I want to be living in a squat with someone I have nothing in common with. Yes over time our goals may change but we try to follow a path that we have set out years ago.

With borderlines they may dramatically switch as they try to reinvent themselves or have decided that it will be a safe relationship as they are not really invested. They do have their core values and expectations from life like all of us do.

The whole type thing...you have to be willing to break the pattern to get it right. Its like the definition of insanity...if you keep doing the same thing over and over again and then expect different results you will never learn your lesson and always end up with drama, a broken heart, lack of fulfillment, and unhappy.

However, bpd types usually end up with the same type of partners over and over again because they do not have the courage and fortitude to take the path of the unknown. They would rather play it safe so they have control. Now while bpd persons mirror behavior and while all their partners may appear different you will see a pattern unfold if you peer beneath the surface. Essentially you could make an accordion pattern and have all the partners holding hands because it is in fact the same person (regardless of outward appearances and everything external).

Doesn't matter if I am wrong or right, but just adding some food for thought here.

Cheers!

-SC-