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I want to make the background as brief as possible to get to the point. 12 or so years ago my wife and I had some disagreements or spats with my parents. I took the side of my wife which for the majority of the topics was legit. When my parents looked to us to make amends and apologize for the majority of the things that were most sever and willing to talk and understand the rest was I thought promising. I accepted their apology as it was genuine. My wife did not. After some discussions she was not willing to have anything to do with them. And as far as can recall she asked me not as well. A few times I tried to test the waters and she was not willing. I still wanted a relationship with my family so I kept in contact but didn't make my wife aware. That was when we were living out of State from them. We have since moved back to where we originally lived which is not to far from my family. I have seen them a few times over the years and again without my wife ever knowing. 
Fast forward to now 12 years later I have kept up the clandestine mission until the other day. A family picture with my parents and I from one of our visits a couple years ago  shown up on a Facebook. I had to explain everything to my wife. Neddless to say she was beyond pissed.

I'm looking for some help with repair this relationship with my wife. Also and maybe more so I wrestle with this: There is the real possibility that there will be a final ultimatum of me having to choose my marriage or may family.  I do not have kids so there is that one less thing to worry about.  However if I can't find a way to make things better and fro my wife to ultimately come to terms to be ok with contacting my family I may be forced to make a decision that seems impossible. How can anyone choose? Any insight into this would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Hi Cipher - You have a right to have a relationship with your family, and your situation would be healthier if you didn't hide it from your wife.  How about this as a possible solution:  you apologize to your wife for clandestinely visiting your family (your wife will be mad about this until the end of time because she has BPD; she will use this as justification for why she can never trust you again; she will bring it up frequently when she is upset); however, you tell her you have spent a lot of time thinking about this and you have decided that you will resume normal relationships and normal levels of contact with your family members - she is welcome to join you but this is not required.  Then you do what you said you would do. 

If your level of contact with your family members is a deal-breaker for your wife, then she is free to leave your marriage and get out of your life.  Also, don't accept abuse from her about your secret meetings with your family.  That was completely unreasonable of her to force you to meet your family secretly.  If she explained the situation to any neutral third party, the third party would take your side and say your wife was being unreasonable.

Hi Cipher.

I agree that you have a right to have a relationship with your own family.   I am not sure how to repair this other than to apologize for lying and being direct and honest that you are going to maintain a relationship with them.  As wrongturn said, she is welcome to join you when you visit but she is also free not to.

Yes, she will be upset... but she already is.   What have you discussed with her since she found out?

What was most severe and were those things "legit" to you aside from how your wife viewed them?