BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

     I am the 45 year old child with (I highly suspect) a BP mother. She is 70 now and lives with my father, her caretaker as he is in better health than her. He still works part-time for the income and to get out of the house. As my mother has gotten older her depression and BPD have been getting worse. She has been admitted to the hospital then transferred to medical care no less than three times in the last 6 years. That doesn't include short stints in the hospital. Most of these instances follow her abusing zanax or pain medications or both. She continually goes to her doctor complaining of pain and he gives her what she wants. Once she comes back to reality in medical care she admits she has a problem, then blames her doctor, then denies she had a problem. It's always someone else's fault. She is in care now after my father could not lift her from the floor and he had a to call an ambulance (they live 50 feet from a hospital). He is at his wits end, I am in another state and frankly I don't want to get sucked up into this again. My childhood was interesting to say the least. I feel responsibility as an only child but setting limits does not work for her. She wants to have control of everything while lying on her couch and sleeping most of the day. When you impose limits she acts like a 2 year old. She wears down my Dad and makes me not care if she over uses again. I don't know what is better, when she is in a stupor and unaware or depressed and complaining about her life. They live in a very rural area so help is limited.
          My dad is meeting with her clinical team today, my mom said she would be released tomorrow which seems surprising since she could not walk and was not even cleaning herself properly when she entered last week. A nurse told me she had a massive yeast infection and diaper rash because she was not able to wash herself. My dad is going to tell her team that unless she can take care of herself and move about the house without falling she should not come home.
            I'll be honest, I was looking forward to a quiet Christmas with her visiting and going back to medical care at night, now I'm on tenterhooks because I don't know if she will keep her mouth shut in denial or try to start some drama. I lost it with her earlier this week and told her her pills would be locked up and put in a weekly pill sorter instead her standing in front of her many bottles for a half hour deciding what to take. I also warned her my dad was at his breaking point and that her actions affect other people as well. I talked to my dad later and he said that she told him about the conversation. She said that I was more concerned about him than her. That is true but typical of how she interprets things. I am more stressed than I have been in long time because I always anticipate. I suck at mindfulness but I am trying. I want to cook and bake and have a good time but I live in fear of a giant blow out. Thanks for listening, I'm sure this is old ground for a lot of you.

Hi WoofMeow and welcome to our online community :hug:

The situation with your mother sounds quite tough indeed. BPD is a challenging disorder and your mother's physical health problems only make the situation more complicated.

How is your mother now? Is she still in the hospital or has she already been released to go home?

Mindfulness/meditation can help us calm our minds and stay focused on the present. You say you are trying mindfulness, but are having some difficulties with it. What kind of forms of mindfulness have you been trying and what do you find most difficult about them?

The Board Parrot

She was released last Thursday. I have not had a chance to talk with my dad without her present. He sounded terrible when I talked to him while she was standing there. I feel like I've been through 8 weeks of therapy after coming to this board. My mom is not able to even clean herself and my dad said he could not do that. I don't blame him and told him it's a lot to ask. Medicare will only cover 20 days in medical care so that's why she's out. He needs to talk to the social worker about getting her on Medicaid. I think my dad is in a FOG. And she is doing her best to control him. I think his mom was BPD as well when I think back on the past. I'm still afraid of a blow out but I've accepted that I can't help my dad if he does not impose boundaries. Fortunately, I live in another state so contact is limited by distance. I am trying not to ruminate too much but it's my go to behavior when stressed. I'll be glad for the week to be over that's for sure!

Hi and welcome!  I am sorry to read what is going on though.  It is a difficult situation for sure.

Is there any way your mom would qualify for in home care even a couple days a week where a nurse comes in to check and take care of any wounds or such and a CNA comes to help her wash up?  It is a lot to ask anyone in the family to take on those duties.  A lot of social workers in the hospitals understand that too.

In the meantime, don't forget you have us here to talk with.  What other sources of support do you have?

I hear how hard all of this is for you. You love your dad and wish he were not having to take care of your mother in what are just plain awful circumstances for him. At the same time, you recognize that you can not step in and care for your mother because of her behaviors and this is a very healthy boundary to have. We are here to listen and support you.