BPDFamily.com

Hi,   
     I am a missionary.  I was assigned a companion at the end of September.   I have always gotten along well with my family of origin, my friends, my roommates and my children.  I even made a marital relationship work after my husband had an affair.  So I have been so confused with my relationship with my new missionary companion.  At first I thought she just hated me, but I couldn’t think of anything I had done to earn her disapproval.  Then I thought that she just didn’t want to share her mission and living space with me.  I felt like she wished I were invisible.   I have had some of the strangest experiences with her.  She is 69 years old.  I am 60. 
     Close to Halloween, we were driving home from a church party.  It had been raining and she hadn’t taken a rain coat.  She was soaking wet. I told her that I needed to stop at the store.  She asked if I wanted to stop on the way back to our apartment.  I said that it made sense to stop, but that I didn’t want her to prolong her time wearing her wet clothing.  She starting screaming at me that I was not her mother and that I should stop treating her like a child.  I said that I was just trying to be kind.  I was so confused by her reaction to my kind gesture. 
     Then on Thanksgiving, we were invited to a person’s home, whom I have never met.  I was sitting in the living room, talking to the elderly grandmother, when my missionary companion went into the kitchen and started telling the host how much I disliked my mission.  This was a flat out lie.  I couldn’t believe she was saying such a thing.  I confronted her later and she acted surprised that I was upset. 
     Just a few days ago, her sister became sick and was hospitalized.  I thought that it would be a nice gesture to pray for her sister.  During the prayer, I became emotional.  She stomped off down the hall and slammed the door to her room.  She acted as if I had just slapped her across the face.  She gave me the silent treatment the rest of the day.  She constantly ridicules me for everything I do or say.  I feel like I am going crazy.  She tries to isolate me from everyone.  What can I do? 
Sincerely,  Sister Lolly.

Dear Sister Lolly-

Allow me to welcome you to our community.  I am deeply sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but I am glad you’ve found us.

First, please let me assure you that you are NOT going crazy.  Yes, your missionary companion’s behaviors most likely involve a lot of projection and word twisting that make you question what you’ve actually seen, heard and think... but you indeed HAVE seen, heard and think what you thought.  Please remember that.

Second, the isolation attempts.  It is so so important, whether a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) or BPD traits is your romantic partner, FOO member, close friend, work colleague or roommate - that you NOT allow yourself to be isolated.  PwBPD or BPD traits can frequently absorb a great amount of time and emotional (and physical) energy.  You’ll need and deserve to maintain your outside support sources - people who love and value you.  People who don’t constantly find fault with every breath you take.  This is part of the very vital self-care that is imperative when one is involved with a pwBPD.

SL- your situation is somewhat unique, and more difficult because you did not “choose” this person.  Is that correct? 

She is not your romantic partner, a long-term friend or a member of your FOO.  There was no time for a “honeymoon” period that we get with our romantic partners.  No time to establish the emotional closeness and bond of a friendship.  And no sharing of history and closeness that you have with a member of your FOO.  It seems she came in and began her “assault” before a solid relationship or trust was able to be established.  And she has already broken your trust.  I’m sorry.

Can you please explain how these missionary assignments are made, how long they last? 
Have you been with this church community for some time or is this a new area for you?  Is she new to the area?

What led you to our site and the belief that BPD is at play here?

Finally, this site contains a wealth of resources to assist in improving communication with pwBPD.  I apologize that I don’t know how to do links... but if you go to the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS, you’ll find the sections.  I suggest you begin with  learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  That’s a difficult thing to do, as we all feel the need to explain and defend ourselves when we feel attacked.  PwBPD seem extremely sensitive to this line of communication and the conversation tends to spin out.

Next I’d read about VALIDATION.  Please pay close attention in this section about NOT validating INVALID things/feelings she may express.

Third... and I don’t normally suggest this upfront but your situation is different.  Boundaries.  Your boundaries represent your values.  I’m NOT saying “run”.  This is the “no run” section.  I see this relationship as very “voluntary” on your part; and not “unconditional”, per se.  When she screams or spins out, you are permitted to remove yourself and your ears from her meanness.  You can kindly state that “I feel we cannot solve anything now and I will return in a half hour to speak about this”.  No blame, no shaming.  And you leave the premises.

This is a start, my friend.  Again, please keep yourself in close touch with those who you love and who love and value you.

Please keep posting, and keep in mind... you didn’t cause this.  And you cannot “fix” her.  I’m so so sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes