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Or should that be Teenage  behaviour with the addition of  red-flag emotional disregulation. Does anyone get fed up with people, trying to advise you - especially professionals, Oh it's just "teenage behaviour" ?  I find it so (extremely) frustrating. Does anyone have a response to that? I have found myself saying, I recognise the teenage behaviour, but when you combine it with emotional disregulation, it becomes a lethal combination. I find it so frustrating and annoying, because maybe what you are describing sounds like teenage behaviour, but its the fact it's a lot more than teenage behaviour!  I would imagine teenage behaviour - in isolation is nowhere near as tricky to manage ?

I have a sheet from a dbt booklet that outlines the differences between typical and not typical. Here are some of them that told me my kid was struggling.
Typical: Increased moodiness
Not typical: Intense, painful, long-lasting moods; risky mood dependent behavior, major depression or panic attacks; self injury or suicidal thinking.

Typical: Increased Parent-adolescent conflict
Not typical: verbal or physical aggression; running away

Typical: Experimentation with drugs, alcohol or cigarettes
Not typical: substance abuse, selling drugs, substance-using peer group

Typical: Increased argumentativeness, idealism, criticism, being opinionated
Not typical: rebellious questioning of social rules and conventions; causing trouble with family members, teachers or others who attempt to assert authority over the adolescent.

Typical: increased desire for privacy
Not typical: isolation from family; breakdown of communication, routine lying and hiding things

Typical: strong interest in technology and social media
Not typical: many hours per day spent on computer, on high-risk or triggering websites; casually meeting partners online; revealing too much (e.g., sexting or overly personal posts)

Typical: increased sexual maturation; sexual interest or experimentation
Not typical: sexual promiscuity, multiple partners, unsafe sexual practices, pregnancy

Thank you Isanni, over the past 18 months I have read so much,  and vaguely remember coming across a list something like that. The reminder was good to see - as you often find, on this journey that you need frequent sanity checks! The condition is so complex and so diverse, and where I live (even though it is a big city) the education on BPD is poor, and the mental health system for children, refuse to diagnose it, saying it is not helpful! (We went out of area for diagnosis, which was funded by them!) This in turn adds further stress to an already stressed family.
I think this post stems from the fact that the nurse therapist in the last session made a comparison, and said that his daughter was 12 and that he had all this "teenage behaviour" to come! (Staying out all night and not telling me where she is, extreme anger and violence in the home, etc etc) I wanted to say "oh your daughter has BPD too" but I didn't respond, because in that moment it wouldn't have been "the wise mind" that would have spoken !"