BPDFamily.com

I've been seeing a guy who likely has undiagnosed BDP for a couple of weeks now. At the beginning it was really intense - freaking out when I didn't respond right away to his texts, wanting to see me a lot, talking about going away together for the holidays on our first date, jealous, mood swings, etc. (but also extremely affectionate, cooking me dinner, very enthusiastic cuddling).

On the first date he called himself a "psychopath" and didn't want to give me any further details. Later, one of his friends who I've met a couple of times told me to "watch out for myself" (but also talked about how great and pure and smart a person the guy is).

About 10 days in I pushed him on it and he mentioned that a couple of his exes had suggested he get help, and one mentioned BPD specifically. He has never been to see a professional about it and doesn't intend to.

I have already sort of dated one man with diagnosed BPD (not currently worrying about why that is, that's another question I guess...), and a lot of this new guy's behaviors definitely reminded me of him. I can't be sure, obviously, but either way it's been useful for me to try to understand this new guy's behavior through the lens of BPD.

The last couple of times we've seen eachother have been great, but then he started being more and more distant. I let him know it was making me sad that he wasn't responding to my texts, and then later that day he texted that he was feeling bad and wouldn't be able to hang out that night.

This is the last I've heard from him - he's since gone home for Christmas, and I'm leaving tomorrow, so we won't actually get to see eachother for at least another week.

I'm having a hard time because it's all so new, I'm not sure whether this is typical for him or not.

Obviously, it's possible that he's just losing interest for normal, non-BPD reasons, and if so there's not really anything I can do about that. I've asked him to let me know if he doesn't want to hear from me anymore, but no response to that either.

Even though there are a lot of red flags, I really, really like this guy and wouldn't like to lose him if I can avoid it. So on the off chance that he's just pulling away because he's overwhelmed, but still interested, I'm trying to work out the best way to maintain things.

At this point, it's been about two days since I've heard from him, which doesn't seem like so long, but relative to our earlier communication it's a very long time.

My question is - in case it is just that he's overwhelmed, it is better for me to still message him once every 1-2 days while we're not seeing eachother (not in a way that he'd necessarily have to respond to, just to let him know I'm thinking of him), even if he doesn't write to me, or should just give him space and wait until he gets back in touch?

He's repeatedly told me he always wants me to message him, even when he doesn't respond, and I don't want him to feel abandoned, but I also don't want to stress him out if he's feeling smothered.

This is my first post, and I'm sorry if it's been a bit long and rambly, but I'd really appreciate any advice - thanks for being here.

Hi Kazi and welcome.

I am glad you found us and are reaching out for help.  You are in the right place as all of us here have been or are in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) so we understand a lot of the challenges you may face. 

It is hard to say for sure if he will experience feelings of abandonment if you do not contact him.  Generally I would recommend you give him space and not contact him, allow him to come to you.  In the meantime, go on with your daily life and plans and keep yourself busy. 

How does this work for you?  Are you okay with letting him have space when he needs it? 

Thank you for this, Harri, this is what I needed to hear.

I'll be honest, it definitely hurts not being in contact with him, but I understand this is how it'll go sometimes. The previous guy I was seeing with BPD also disappeared for a few weeks around the holidays, so I've been here before (although we were really only seeing eachother casually, so it was a different feeling).

The main thing that's giving me pause in this case is how adamant he was before about me texting him all the time, and how he always wanted to hear from me (even when he didn't always respond).

In my most recent text two days ago, I told him I'd check back in, and I'd like to keep my word, so I'll send him one more "merry Christmas" text and then leave it. I can't make him respond, and hopefully it's clear that I'm still here for him if/when he's ready.

Thanks again for reading and responding.

Quick update - messaged me yesterday :)

Apologized for not meeting up before xmas, let me jnow what he's been up to, asked how I am (not super affectionate, but a nice response).

I responded reasonably quickly, because I'm not trying to punish him or play weird games about this. He's again taking an unusually long time to respond, but I'm just leaving it and hoping for the best.

Which brings me to my next question - I'm giving him a lot more leeway here than I would give any other dude for the same behavior, because I'm assuming he's struggling with something and not being knowingly disrespectful or uncaring (which is what I would probably assume if I didn't suspect BPD).

I've already had some issues setting boundaries with him (I've read a lot of the advice on this site but am still trying to wrap my head around it). Whenever I try to bring up with him something that concerns me or has hurt me, he just says "I told you, I'm a psychopath" or "I warned you I'm a terrible person". I don't think either of those things are true of course, but it's just clear that he is very uncomfortable discussing his behavior or how it might affect my feelings, and uses this line of reasoning to end the conversation.

A lot of my friends think I shouldn't be excusing his behavior on the basis of BPD, because it still has basically the same effect on me either way (and I'm still not even totally sure that he has it). And it's true, it doesn't seem healthy for either of us for me to just be subjugating my feelings and needs to his moods all the time, but I'm having a hard time seeing how to get around it for now. Has anyone got any tips for how to have productive conversations about your own emotional needs with a pwBPD? Or is everyone just assuming that they're going to do most/all of the emotional labor in the relationship and putting up with hurtful behavior?

(Ok, not such a quick update... I guess I just need a place to vent about this. I'm glad to be here.)

This post was made a week ago so you might not read this at all, but I will say this because I think it benefits me to write it down:

Is it any different if he has a mental disorder or if he's just a jerk? I think that any chronic, consistent bad behavior can be traced down to trauma that the person sustained in the past. So even people who are just jerks but we don't know why thy are jerks, are probably inflicted by something. The fact that he acknowledges that he behaves badly, or that you know why he behaves badly doesn't really excuse that behavior. Like you said, it has the same effect on you either way. In fact, if someone acknowledges that their behavior is harmful but they choose to do nothing about, should we actually be more forgiving of them?

I don't have anything to add regarding how to deal with some with BPD because I myself have very little experience dating someone with BPD. However, from reading this forum and doing a lot of reading around the subject, I noticed two things. The first is that if the person with BPD is undiagnosed and not seeking help, then it's a real uphill battle. All the successful relationships I read about, the person with BPD was officially diagnosed and is getting help. The second thing is that people with BPD seem to have a hold on some people. I don't think it's something they do intentionally, it's just how the personality of the non-BPD person meshes with that of the person with BPD. It definitely did something to my psyche, because even though me and my ex dated briefly and I was treated poorly in the relationship and after - I still want back. I still think that maybe this time it can work differently because I have a better knowledge of her condition. Meanwhile, the reality is that she (nor the guy your dating) hasn't been officially diagnosed and she is not getting the help she needs around the disorder.

Sorry for hijacking the thread. I don't mean to disparage or rag on people with BPD. They are human and are capable of love and empathy. It seems that so many of them are so smart and talented and intoxicating in the best sense of the word. But you just can't help someone if they don't want to get help in the first place.