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Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341813.0

i know how you feel. I have been in a nightmare now 4 months. She cheated on me and left me for a  guy i would never think she would even look at. charm me back 5 times, and then again blocked me! I am in so much pain that i cant go to work and been drinking too much. On friday morning i called her and told her that i cant live without her. She replied that she will never come back to me and that she loves the other guy.

A few days before that she charmd me and we slept together and she told me she loved me... With x-mas around the corner and all this crazy going on i have myself felt like i don´t want to live anymore. Like i can´t see how i could go on. I have never had suicide thoughts in my life before. But now it creeps up on me..

I don´t know what we are going to do. I really don´t! So hopeless and this pain, the panic attacks, the mental breakdowns... It is just the worst thing i ever been through in my life. Lost all hope

Teddy007,

I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such destructive emotions also. I understand.what you are going through and the tremendous power those emotions have, but if you look after yourself they will ease. I am feeling slightly better today and so the first thing I would like to say to you is that this too shall pass. Do not give up hope, there is a way through this. What I find helps me is to have no contact and to distance myself. I talk to my friends who tell me that I deserve better than the awful pain I am feeling. I have also stopped demonising my ex because it doesn’t make me feel any better. Maybe in the short term I get some kind of momentary respite from the pain but ultimately I’ve had to undergo a process of looking at why I stayed in a toxic mess for a year. I have discovered that being with what I though was my ideal woman is playing into an idea I have of what my life should be. I tend to go for a certain kind of woman which makes me feel loved and validated. They are usually well educated middle class, highly sexed and unboundaried. The danger for me is that these are exactly the kind of women I should be avoiding. I am attracted to women who are going to hurt me.

For now you should be kind to yourself. Stay away from her and try to spend time with friends and other loved ones. You have taken a battering and need to give yourself time and space to heal. Keep sharing on here and when the time is right you can take a look at why you got involved with such a person and stayed in the r/s for four months.

Do you have a therapist? Do you have friends you can confide in?

i was with her over 2 years. After 6 months things started turning in to chaos and got worse all the time. She left me 4 months ago for another guy. And she has charmd med 5 times from then. Everytime wanting to come back. But telling me really nasty hurtful things with the worst example is how much better and how much sex she is having with the new guy. As you know the relationship we had was very sexual. Typical BPD.

This was the first time she left the gay and came to me. She was with me a few days and then ghosted me and got back to him. I went on a 4 day drinking spree and wrote her when i was really drunk, alot of bad mouth evil things. And now i am more broken than i ever was. I have a few friends i can talk to but it has been 4 months and people are getting tierd of listening to me. The emotional roller coaster has made me do and say things i would never do. And now im hurting really really bad. Like feeling as i don´t want to live... First times i have had thoughts about things like not wanting to live...

Teddy007,

Have you thought about going to an AA meeting? Sounds like alcohol may be an issue with you and drinking on this pain will just make everything worse. I have been sober for 17 years and if I was drinking on top of what I’m going through now, I wouldn’t stand a chance of making progress. You need a clear head to be able to process the grief you are experiencing. You need to focus on yourself at the moment and make sure that you get some distance from your tormentor.

I saw my ex for the first time in 4 months on Thursday and it sent me into a spiral of suicidal despair. Sometimes the only option is to turn your back on the person for your own mental health. This stuff is dangerous and can be a matter of life and death. Please look after yourself.