BPDFamily.com

Greetings,
I hope this is quick.  I'm imminently going to launch into divorce.  I am decided, maybe not ready, but, I think it's go-time.

A consideration that weighs on me is how to handle things like my S15's wellbeing.  He's not officially diagnosed (I've been in denial too long, and I'm already over-burdened trying to navigate uBPDw toxicity). But, he exhibits enough of Autism traits to generalize him as such. 

That said, things like ritual, having one house, one schedule are easiest for him to navigate.  I have a hopeful outlook that two houses, one with a peaceful stable dad (me in this case) would be good in the long run, I am concerning with the real anxiety he will face with any disruption. 

I'm so worried about it that it's one of the big reasons I'm staying in a toxic marriage for this long already. 

How have people handled divorce, likely volatile, with special needs kids?

Is there legal language that's important in a settlement? 
Therapy approaches?

Thanks in advance!

I'm glad to hear you using more concrete language!

Does your son have a therapist who can offer some advice?  Has your therapist been able to offer any tips for you?

Hopefully livednlearned will be along soon to share some of the things she did with her soon.

Our son was diagnosed with ASD1 when he was 6, just before he turned 7. I used to call him Baby Rainman, and I saw the traits since he was 2. Mom left the week after he turned 4.

He ticks most of the traits for an Aspie kid, including being literal, detailed, and specific. He's also very sharp, at the top of every class thus far, and may be gifted.  He will turn 10 in two weeks. I know that's different than 15, but our son seemed to handle it well.  His non ASD little sister (7) more often questions changes to the schedule. I've found that being honest, open, and specific helps.

Does he recognize this in himself?

What's his relationship like with mom? With you?



When his routine is disrupted or he has to manage a lot of change, how does his stress express itself?


I think kids who have a BPD parent are probably all special needs in some way  :(


If you can get an evaluation going while married, that might make things easier for you in the long run. I did that and it made it easier to argue for "status quo" in the custody agreement.

Do you think your wife wants to have a special needs kid? I know it's a strange question but I've seen both types of BPD parenting. My ex wanted a gifted child but he did not want (then) S9 to be ADHD (twice exceptional) and he struggled to offer reasonable strategies and solutions but had a remarkable amount to say in terms of stonewalling. My H's ex (also BPD) uses SS19's PDD dx to pretty much knee cap him into learned helplessness. It seems she also expects him to live at home the rest of his life which works out well for chronic triangulation with her affair partner, now husband.

There is a helpful website by and for people with Asperger's (level 1 ASD): www.aspergerexperts.com that I've found particularly useful. It helped me recognize that the primary thing my son deals with (that has a fairly outsize impact on how he functions) is sensory defensiveness. Somewhere I read that ASD is primarily a spectrum of sensory differences. With my son, when the sensory stuff is managed his ASD traits are barely noticeable. So we start with that and everything else seems to follow.

Some of the therapies that can be useful for kids with sensory differences are somatic experiencing (for helping to deal with trauma -- I think I shared the link to that work with you previously) and neurofeedback. I'm thinking of encouraging my son to do neurofeedback because it may suit his character a bit better.

The hard part about having kids (special needs or high needs or whatever needs) is that when we believe something is best for our kids, our spouses tend to work overtime to block it. You know the drill.

I presented the evaluation to my (then) husband as "I'm worried S8 is developing habits of mine and the experts at school suggest he is evaluated for his giftedness."

1) it's all LnL's fault and 2) experts recognize child is gifted = winning formula.

Then when we were divorced, it was status quo to be working with professionals and considering therapy.

Another alternative for custody language is to say that anytime there is a medical or therapeutic decision made for the minor children, Samwise will round up names of three reputable professionals and mom will select one within 4 weeks of initiating medical or therapeutic requests for kids. If a decision is not made by mom 4 weeks from initial request, then Samwise will move ahead with a decision.

You want language that will help you deal with the inevitable stonewalling so you don't have to go back to court or stress about how to handle predictable obstructions.

What you offer the other side has a lot to do with how you anticipate your wife will respond to evaluations/therapy.

@ LnL - I have been thinking about your post. Thank you for your thoughts .I want to respond, and will get time to do it thoughtfully when post-holiday chaos subsides.
Thanks, and happy NEW year to us all ;)