BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

My 16 year old son yellled at me because he does not want to visit my foo over the holidays.  He was upset because his routine would change and he had made plans with his friends.  I got very triggered because he is 6 feet tall and loud and very aggressive.  I don't know how to handle this...he reminded me of my mum's rages.  He has damaged property in a rage in the past and I am frankly scared of him.  At the same time I feel very hurt by the way he talks to me.

I worry he has my mums dna.

And at the same time my daughters are upset because I got upset.   How do I maintain my happy happy joy joy facade?  My family seems to need me to be cheerful 24/7

Hi Zab.   :hug:

It comes down to managing triggers, using mindfulness to stay in the present, recognizing that your kids are kids, and making choices.  Faking it is hard.  What I mentioned helps make your 'joy' closer to real.

If you are sad talk to your T, come here and post, use self care, etc.   Use the board when you are feeling good, not just when you are having a hard time.  Same with some of the tools you have learned.  Make coming here and using the tools part of your daily routine.  You will make more progress when you can think clearly without stress and upset or when you are in crisis.    |iiii

Harri,

I thank you for your reply.  I'm sorry if I have posted only in crisis.  I don't mean to.

I do appreciate the support I have received here. 

Hi Zab.  Please do continue to post when in crisis and you need support.   |iiii

I meant that you will get the most out of the board and the tools when you post questions and have discussions when you are in a more stable place as well.  When we are in crisis, it is harder to see solutions, to learn new behaviors etc.  So using the board in the more stable or 'good' times will help us heal.

Does that make more sense?

Hi Zabava :heart:

This is so hard.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  Your son triggered you, and you reacted.  It sounds like maybe a few things are going on:

1) Your son's behavior - present and past
2) Your reaction to that incident
3) your fear of your son's behavior (intimidation from his size and past anger)
4) Your fear he could have inherited some BPD dna

I think your being triggered is understandable.  I'm guessing everybody on this site has been triggered, and none of us were happy about it afterwards.  You're not alone, but have a whole planet of company from the parenting crowd.  It's called "human".  lol  Nobody's Perfect.  That doesn't mean your son can understand your reaction the way we do.  How much about complicated life stuff did we understand when we were 16?

Don't beat yourself up about it.  I can remember treating my son badly too.  He was younger than your son, but a few days later during a calm time, I talked to him about it and apologized.  I think we also talked about what our son could have done differently to get his message across in a more appropriate way.  The circumstances around our situations were entirely different, so the remedy is probably entirely different.  My response may not at all be appropriate for you in your situation.

What your son did was wrong (disrespectful to you, property damage in the past).  You are uncomfortable with your reaction with being triggered when he was angry and disrespectful.  This is understandable.  But you can't make his wrong, right.  Only he can do that (maybe 20 years from now lol). But you can "model" how your reaction could have been different.

"________(his name), I got very angry the other night when we were talking about our holiday plans."  I understand now you had already made plans with your friends.  I am sorry for ________________ .  In the future, I would like us to be able to discuss our plans ahead of time and find new ways for us both to get what we want." (genuine tone)

It may not change a thing about his behavior now or in the future, but you are still modeling good relationship skills, as well as remediation skills after a conflict has happened, and that can be a good thing. 



Does he know this?  Would SET work here to discuss this?  "I statements?"

I'm guessing he wouldn't be amenable to counselling, but one never knows...


Join the club.  I think we all obsess about this a bit.  I've recently had a conversation with my H about one of our children, and possible "traits" (he and his grandma are "tightly" bonded - he's the "golden child").  

On the other hand, it can be somewhat typical teenage behavior as they are still learning how to manage their emotions in those years, boys are generally "behind" girls in development, and all teenagers tend to be some level of ego-centric before becoming hopefully more even-keeled adults down the road.  There are also a LOT of outside influences on teens these days, and they could also play a BIG role in being responsible for that behavior.  

You know your son best.  Follow your gut.  Listen to your inner voice.  If your inner voice is concerned there could be some BPD there, your concerns come from a place of experience with BPD's.  On the other hand, I know I tend to catastrophise a lot.  Discuss with T, who knows you well.  Ultimately do what makes YOU feel good, and it will probably be good for your son too, whether or not he can see that.  At the end of the day, the important thing is that you feel good about yourself.  The rest is up to your son.

 :hug:

Zabava, my gosh I can relate. When my oldest was only 11, she was taller and bigger than I and she was physically aggressive with me on one occasion. It really scared me too, to the point where I asked her dad to come pick her up for the rest of the week. She moved in with him about a month later after she punched my boyfriend in the head when he asked her to get out of his pool. Ugh. I hate thinking about that.

Her verbal outbursts would scare her little sisters to the point of tears. Looking back, I wonder if she could have been diagnosed as ODD.

I wasn't just scared about my own wellbeing, I was scared about what it meant for her. I worried about her sisters. I felt powerless. My heart just ached in all of it.

The 11 year old is now 19, a freshman pursuing a degree in biomedical engineering. She has good relationships with others, has stabilized, loves her sisters. I have a solid, fun, honest relationship with her.   :wee:

The hardest part of being a parent is watching your kids hurt. I'm not sure you always have to put on a happy face. My kids will face tough things, I'd rather they learn how to navigate them. Seeing me process challenging seasons is a powerful example.  |iiii

Methuen's right, your son is doing the best he can with what he knows. These are tough years for him and it will get better.   :hug:

Like Harri said, we're here. Keep a steady heart. It's going to be ok, friend.