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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: itsmeSnap on December 24, 2019, 02:42:32 AM



Title: "I couldn't live life without stress" she said
Post by: itsmeSnap on December 24, 2019, 02:42:32 AM
I've been talking to my now friend exbpdgf and some issues with my dad (I suspect bpd too) having a heart problem came up during conversation.

I told her he wouldn't stick to his after-stent care program and she was almost like a mirror of him, Like I was talking to my dad's subconscious almost in how she related to his situation and similar things she's been through.

I said that he just won't slow down for a while to recover, he's thinking of work and money and a lot of other stressful stuff even after the doctor said no stress no big emotional stuff.

She answered bavk with something that I kinda knew but it was so surprising to actually hear from her: "when you're so used to stress, no stress feels like stressing. I couldn't live without stress, it kills me more when I don't get to stress"

All my previous attempts at "making it work" seem to have failed at least in part because of it. For anyone else, comfort and security make for stable relationships, but not her, she needs to stir  :cursing: up or things "don't feel right"

Which means even walking on eggshells to not set her off was setting her off  :(

As I said, we're friends now. Getting to know her thought process like that is so enlightening about why our relationship happened and failed like it did.

Moral of the story: sometimes you have to take the bait and "work it" if you want to date someone like my ex *)

Merry christmas everyone!


Title: Re: "I couldn't live life without stress" she said
Post by: once removed on December 24, 2019, 02:49:00 AM
and with BPD, or BPD traits, theres always the fear of the other shoe dropping.

and if it doesnt, you kinda force that other shoe to drop, because surely its gonna come eventually, and theres comfort in that.

yep. if you sign up for a bpd traits relationship, you are signing up for a highly stressful one.


Title: Re: "I couldn't live life without stress" she said
Post by: alittleawkward on December 24, 2019, 05:23:10 AM
It's fantastic that you are able to communicate with your ex on this level. I think one of the problems that comes with BPD is the need for constant drama or stress. Even when they claim they have no drama for them, it seems like people with BPD have the ability to roll off impressive events going on in the people's lives around them and become immersed in that instead.

I don't want to side track this topic, but I am curious (and ever so slightly envious) that you have been able to strike this relationship with a previously romantic BPD partner. Was it difficult to do? Were there any big hurdles you had to face? What do the people surrounding you think of it? How long did it take? Is it ever awkward when you talk/do things rekindle... and if so, how do you deal with them?
I would love to eventually find a similar relationship with my ex, however I am hesitant to keep moving forward as I don't want to lead her on, but also I'm terrified of further rejection. We are 6 months on from the split and have been able to make things a little more civil between us and have cleared the air, and advice from someone like you who has been able to get to that desired place would be invaluable.


Title: Re: "I couldn't live life without stress" she said
Post by: itsmeSnap on December 24, 2019, 12:53:13 PM
Excerpt
you have been able to strike this relationship with a previously romantic BPD partner. Was it difficult to do?
Not really, it was the right time for both of us.

I was recently out of a relationship and was remembering "the good old times", pretty much a year after she cut contact with me. She had to move away from friends from a problem with another ex, back to family and the stresses of her youth and she was also remembering the good times, she said she'd been thinking about me.

She has a relationship (long distance now that she moved, didnt start out like that) so I guess she was feeling lonely and needed a friend, though I suspect she was also testing the waters to see if I bit the bait (we had conversations like back in the day, but I wouldn't try the romance angle)

Anyway, it just took a long time and a (un)fortune set of circumstances for us to reestablish contact.

One thing was that I didn't ask about the split, I avoided it completely until she told me " it's really nice that you haven't asked, wanna hear about it?", told her I figured she'd say something when she was ready, and she did.

Excerpt
Is it ever awkward when you talk/do things rekindle... and if so, how do you deal with them?
It's not awkward for me because I'm in control. I know we don't work as a couple, even if everything else (conversation, sex) was good.

When she tried to bait me I played the oblivious friend. I knew what she was doing, and I sort of allowed it but wouldn't plunge into it. She brings up my liking her, scenes from our romantic past, ask me what I liked about her, she tries to make me jealous about the new guy. Basically she's looking for a heavy dose of validation from me, and I'm happy to play along.

Its all good fun for me now, because I can see right through her. When those moments fade, we get to have real people talk, and she is a great conversationalist.

I accepted thats who she is, before I even answered a message. I spent a year reading through the board figuring stuff out. Everyone told me when I got here, all the articles talked about it but I didn't understand it, that takes time.

I accepted she has issues, that we don't work as a couple, and most important for me, that I love her and forever will.

That one seems counterintuitive, but that gives me the peace I need to do this. I don't struggle with my feelings for her. I love her, I'm attracted to her, and yet I am 100% sure I don't want a relationship with her, but it also makes me happy (and apparently her too) that we get to spend time with each other again, so friends it is.

I don't want the drama, the struggling, the void she leaves when she does her thing. So I just don't take the bait  *) though apparently I like to live my life dangerously, because I love the thrill of swimming so close around it  :) lol


Title: Re: "I couldn't live life without stress" she said
Post by: SinisterComplex on December 24, 2019, 08:38:15 PM
This is where I say to each their own. I commend you on finding what works for you.

Cheers and happy holidays to you!

-SC-