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Title: Holidays are a conscious colonoscopy Post by: Lola B on December 25, 2019, 12:39:50 AM I am not a cynical person. I have a Kimmy Schmidt mind-set and look for silver linings everywhere. Occasionally it breaks me down, but I get up again.
After reaching year 20 with this kid, I have exceeded my capacity to tolerate her. I am a single parent, we have had extraordinary hardship due to a severe crash, she has scared away 2 potential stepfathers (for which she blames me), and we live in an upper middle class area where her peers have parent 10 years older than me and 2 incomes, and give their kids everything because actually raising them is harder. The blues many people get on the holidays is delivered from her with vicious cruelty and a vulgarity that’s astonishes me. She absolutely means what she says and if it weren’t for medication to control mood I would get physical. The traumatic brain injury impulsivity is nearly gone...unless she is in a mood. Then I lose my cool, and am her favorite target. She will never leave because she needs me to abuse when she is overwhelmed. I’ve gotten better with the fortune telling that this will be my life forever. Thank god I have this forum put my thoughts out there. Getting it out is everything. Title: Re: Holidays are a conscious colonoscopy Post by: twojaybirds on December 25, 2019, 12:12:01 PM I love your metaphorical views on life.
I too feel like the punching bag that hangs in my dd's BPD gym. When she has the pathological need to strike, there I am ready to take the blow. May I suggest that all the energy you have put into caring for and thinking about her you now put into yourself. It can feel selfish and counter-intuative, but once I started practicing that I felt better about me, could see her pathology clearer and then was able to develop a new platform for our relationship. Not that I don't slip at times and still end up in tears, but in the big picture I am a healthier person. Title: Re: Holidays are a conscious colonoscopy Post by: Lola B on January 02, 2020, 08:07:10 PM I’m getting to where you are. Wish we could have tea!
Don’t hang in there (punching bag reference on purpose). Continue enjoying your experience of life despite the many storms that blow through. It’s kind of like living in Florida. Sometimes hurricanes go out to sea, sometimes they level everything. And for some reason, people still settle there. Just like us. At least we have good reasons. |