BPDFamily.com

I made it through the first Christmas since I separated from DH in Jan. 2019. Now on to the next few months of selling our house and the dissolution.

My head is hurting today. Too much accumulation of all the mental and physical input over the past few days and not enough healthy outlet to offload the stress I'm sure. I'm thankful for my online family here.  |iiii

All 3 of my kids and their spouses came for Christmas day. We opted to go to a niece's house for a meal. They graciously opened their home to friends and family; over 30 of us were there. It was a good neutral location. Then back to our home to open gifts with the grandkids. It seemed so normal; we were all happy together for that little bit of time, almost as if we were still one big happy family...all for an hour or two. I saw the smiles, heard the laughter, felt the warmth, hugs from the grandkids, the warmth of their arms around my neck.The time together was too short. The grandkids struggled to understand why they couldn't stay longer. I know they just wanted to be there and play and be with Oma and Opa and the home they associated with their grandparents. Those things pulled at my heart, but for the majority of the time I was able to stay present and in the moment, not worrying about the future. Definitely a huge help to get through that day.

The day after Christmas we had to switch gears and get to the new reality of moving. Our son is home for a few days, and I needed his help to get his bedroom emptied out. We managed to get one load in the van and transported to my grandpa's old house an hour away. My uncle has graciously let me store things there, but it is a long drive and there's a lot to move-20 years of accumulation at this house alone, even after getting rid of a lot.

I was able to see DH from a greater emotional distance this year. While he has been living at the family house this year, it is still my home too, but he is territorial. I can understand that, but it does make for me not knowing how to fit in when I go back to our house. He watched where I was putting the pots and pans away as I helped to dry the dishes after we had the time of gift opening. I noticed, so I tried to be respectful and ask him if this was where he wanted me to put these items. It was correct of couse. His non verbals were so loud, and I'm quite sensitive to them as always. Not sure if he was being controlling, feeling threatened by my presence, or if he was looking for opportunities to say I was being controlling? It doesn't matter and as we know, It doesn't pay to try and guess his thoughts. The difference this year for me is that I could observe and see what was going on and remain more detached, taking it less personally (notice I didn't say completely detached!  :)

DH insisted on having a traditional family meal a few days after Christmas. That was yesterday. He wanted to make turkey and the fixings even though he has never made it before. That was more awkward for me, and D33 declined to come and eat it with us because she said it seemed fake and one last 'everything is okay' at the house before we sell it. Plus she was not pleased that once again mom's (my) opinion of what to have for the meal was overruled, and "he got his way once again." Ah, out of the mouths of our kids the reality is seen! I think my body followed along for obligation and the kid's sake, and my head hurts because I'm not really listening to the emotions going on inside of me.

I have to be at the house a lot right now because of moving the personal belongings and hoping to be ready to put it on the market in 4 to 6 weeks. So overwhelming. Yet I have already done probably over half of the work of boxing things up and sorting over the past two years, anticipating that we would eventually reach this point. Now it just the final physical effort.

Somewhere in all the house moving we need to move forward on the papers for dissolution. Not sure how I'll squeeze that in during these small windows of time. I know the marriage is dead. That helps me to move forward through all these next steps.

Off to load up more things to move.

Wools