BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I'm 33 and my username expresses my current relationship with my mom.  I always felt something was...off about my mother every since I was a child.  She always had a tendency to latch on to the first awful man that would have her.  In fact, she spent most of my childhood with a man who sexually molested my older sister (who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder) and still denies that she knew it happened although she's been told countless times by my sister and myself.  Her only admission to guilt is she refers to marrying him as a "mistake".

I've got plenty of childhood horror stories but I want to move on to my adult life.  My sister expressed my mother doesn't feel the need to call her children and that we should basically flock to call her a couple of years ago.  At one point I talked to her every 2 or so months until my dad who she rekindled with in 2010 was sent to the ICU this year, 2 months after they got married in secret (her first marriage was also secret).  I barely made it to my father minutes before he passed away because we live in different states but I made it.  I helped with majority of the planning for his funeral.  My father, was a non-functioning alcoholic in his later years.  After his passing, I felt a need to reach out to my mom and grandma (dad's mom) regularly to see how they were doing.  My grandma has always been easier to talk to and answered the phone.  After a month and a half of my dad passing my mom seemed to stop answering my calls.  I then found out she started a relationship with my sister's father (same mom different dads) who is married.  She was answering his phone calls and texts but just couldn't seem to answer, nor return any of my calls.  I wanted to confront her but decided against it because she's an adult.

I should also mention, I don't have a typical relationship with my mother.  I feel more emotionally mature and can't go to her for advice because a lot of times it doesn't seem like she's listening.  It feels a lot like I'm the parent.

Anywho, just before my dad's birthday, November 10th, I was looking online to find out why in the world my relationship with my mother was so one-sided.  Then I saw it as clear as day.  This thing that my mother may be dealing with, is Borderline Personality Disorder.  I was originally going to grab the book Stop Walking On Eggshells but decided to try no contact first as a defense mechanism to figure things out and protect myself.  Well...I made the mistake of telling my sister about what I was doing and thinking.  In a fit of anger, because she also has a mental illness, she told my mother "that's why _ doesn't f- with you".  Great...I also spent Thanksgiving with them but mom never approached me.  I just tried to be cool during my visit even when she told me, the guy she's having an affair with, told her to tell me he said hi...and he doesn't even talk to my sister.  I had to hide my disgust and tongue.

The day I returned home I ended up with the flu thanks to almost everyone being sick at my grandma's house (dad's mom).  My mother, sister, sister's 3 children, and grandmother all live in this house.  It was my dad, mom, and grandma when my dad was living. Back to my reason for being here.  After being confirmed with having the flu, I called my grandma to tell her what was going on, and my mother answered.  It was December 2nd.  That was a the last time I talked to her. 

Christmas, I spent the holiday with friends, my sister called me and put my grandma on the phone.  I declined the opportunity to speak with my mom.  Later on, I receive a message that says the following:

"I didn't want to believe it but I guess it is really true.  You contacted everyone today except me.  My feelings were hurt at first.  But now I know that you do hate me.  I won't bother you.  You can run and tell your grandma.  Maybe she'll tell me to move because you don't want me here.  I guess you can tell everyone your mother died when your dad did.  Because a piece of me did.  But you don't care.  I know I wasn't the best Mom.  But I don't understand why you feel you have to hold that against me forever.  Whatever.  Have a good life."

I was in the airport when I received this message and had to call a friend to keep me from reacting.  Contrary to what she stated in the message.  I don't hate her by any means.  I spent my whole childhood wanting her love and acceptance and was let down every time I really needed it.  I'm just trying to find a way to protect myself emotionally.  My friend talked me out of responding and I got home and went ahead and bought Stop Walking On Eggshells.  I have this gut feeling my sister rubbed it in her face that I talked to them.

The book arrived today but I have this thing in the back of my mind telling me I'm overreacting and my mom isn't the problem and she doesn't have BPD...it's me.  Like I'm making this stuff up in my head and I should be grateful to still have one living parent.  It's been really difficult juggling all of this.  Thank you to anyone who read this novel.  I have more stories but didn't want to over do it in my first post.  I truly love my mom and really want to know how to communicate with her.  Any advice is highly welcomed.

Hi No_Contact,

I'm new too, and like you, am considering not maintaining contact with my undiagnosed family member (sister).

What I heard in your post is how much you have always wanted to connect with your mother, and how hard you've tried, to no avail mostly. Not because you haven't tried hard enough--you definitely have! For some reason, BPD makes it so our afflicted loved ones can't think much about anyone else but themselves. It's never enough. And/or, whatever it was, wasn't delivered correctly or some other "crime". Attention-seeking/needing/desperation, blaming and on and on. It's. not. you. Take care of yourself, and if that means no contact, so be it. That may be forever, or for now, or for the time it takes for you to decide what will work for you. Your decision. Not hers.

hugs!

 

Thank you KoaPup.  That's it exactly for my whole entire life.  I used to have this massive sense of abandonment when I was a child.  So much that I was terrified my mother would die, so I clinged to her as much as she would let me.  I eventually gained my own autonomy sometime in my 20's.  Now in my 30's, my father died and I'm working towards regaining my sense of self since his passing. I'm also trying to maneuver through the impact of my mother's condition and now that it seems like there's a name and face for what I experienced and things have gotten harder.

I know how you feel about your sister.  I hope you gain the insight you need during your no contact period.