BPDFamily.com

I am  NC  but find myself still wanting to be a support, or offer support which is no longer appropriate. I try to stay as busy as possible now and spend more time off line…But clearly that is not enough and I need to find someway to turn off that part of my brain that makes me keep caring. It’s not my choice but probably necessary. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated 

Would  it be OK to post here when I feel like reaching out ? 
My heart breaks for their suffering, but I cannot offer the relief that they need or want. :(. Struggling a bit today wondering what was actually real or that I’m thought of so poorly . Hope this can be a safe space I guess. I need to respect their wishes

I think I'll always care. But it nearly destroyed me, so I keep up those boundaries.

I've learned that I have to do volunteer work that involves caring to stay balanced. I've learned a lot about myself that way.

Oh nice what kind of volunteer work do you do? I volunteer at an animal shelter and also a children’s hospital. I have a little dog I bring to visit  kids that are getting chemo  it’s a wonderful experience

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I just want to point out something here based on the title...it is ok to always care. There is a huge difference with detaching and not caring. If you truly care or cared for someone you probably always will, but you just learn they are not healthy for you so you detach and learn from the experience of that person and improve your relationships with others moving forward. Caring is not a weakness. A weakness is letting your caring get in the way of proper judgment. Care from a distance and leave it at that. Learn the lessons necessary and move on (yep I know...no one likes to hear this, but it is necessary and this phrasing will get beat into the ground many more times moving forward).

TM, please do keep posting here when you need to reach out. That is what this board is for.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

Yes but there’s something wrong with ME  if I would jump to save someone who has actively encouraged me to commit suicide . Who used me and made it clear I am worthless now that I’m no longer needed for anything. I don’t know if this is because I grew up with a parent like this or what . I just have this need to prove my worth to people who think I’m worthless.

I've been doing what my therapist suggested... Keep a list of ten things that can keep my mind off of her. I think about her every day, but when I catch myself thinking of her, I'll look at the list of ten things to think about.

I also pray for her health, happiness and prosperity every day. Been doing that for over three weeks now. It's beyond my control, so I give up her health, happiness and prosperity over to my higher power. I don't sincerely mean it just yet, but I keep praying. It also helps me get rid of the anger.

I will preface this by saying...I am a truly caring person. However, I do not coddle and I do not sugarcoat things. So with saying that...never believe this BS you just stated and furthermore never say it again. There is nothing wrong with you. You got hurt. You got trauma bonded. You got tricked. You got duped. However you want to phrase it or say it. Ok...sh*t happens. Nut up and no more feeling sorry for yourself!

You are not worthless...do not ever say this out loud ever again...PERIOD! Obviously you have plenty of worth. You are showing you still care about someone even when they treated you like trash. Kindness is a strength, not a weakness. You do not have to prove sh*t to anyone. Just do YOU and only worry about YOU. Seek validation internally, not externally. Remember the mind is the most powerful weapon in existence. Train your mind how you want to be. Change your mindsets. For example, instead of I can't do this or I can't do that change it to you know I may not know how to do it yet, but I am going to figure it out. Instead of why me? Think why not me? Bottom line is to change your perspective to thinking from a place of power and not weakness. Think abundance, not scarcity. If someone treats you like crap then guess what? Tell them to go kick rocks and move on. Life is too short to waste on undesirable people who do not respect what you bring to the table. Additionally, if someone doesn't like you then hey it is a THEM problem, not YOU. Be true to yourself and do not change to please anyone. Remember when you try to please everyone you effectively please NO ONE!

Again, please continue to vent. You are going to be ok. You are going to overcome this. You will become a better version of yourself. You will find happiness and you will achieve success.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

Thank you for that.

I went into her room this morning and lay next to her and gave her hug. She put her head on my chest and I could feel the tears wetting my shirt. I know she's in pain. But I remember yesterday's tantrum, and every one before. I remember rationalizing with her, and then apologizing (as if I were at fault for lighting up her rage), so I could calm her down, and leave the room knowing nothing was going to get broken ... that I needed us both to get back to work, but that I just lost a day and possibly a piece of myself to the confusion of her outburst. I can't throw her out anymore than I can afford the damage of a messy divorce. I need to be very careful. I'm balancing caring against survival, and who's that benefitting? BPD is turning care into cost. It's not supposed to work like that, your care, well received, comes back to you as joy. She deserves the care, her mental state is robbing her of it, but taking it from you anyway.