BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted in a while. But, I've still been going to therapy every week, reading and writing a lot. I've really been focusing on me more. Why I stayed in the relationship with my uexBPD. If I stay in the mindset of it's all her fault, look what she did to me, then I feel like I'm just stay in the victim mentality state and never move on or heal or grow.

Anyway, I wanted to share some revelations I've discovered about myself.

Quick background:
I was in a relationship for over 4 years with a uBPD. It was intense. Once we moved in together at the beginning of 2019, it got more intense. Anger, rages belittling, sarcasm, criticism, hitting and no-win scenarios and arguments became more frequent. No matter what I said or did would resonate with her. I took everything on, all responsibility to change and "sorry, I'll do better". I lost all self-esteem, all self-worth for I gave everything emotionally, and spiritually. Nothing I said or did would satisfy her. I hit myself, I was suicidal and I really loathed myself.

Fast forward to today and I'm 4 months NC and I'm doing much better. I continue to go to therapy every week (our therapist diagnosed her and informed me it wasn't my fault, it's her). I listen and read books about the disorder and do lots and lots of writing.

I discovered my role, I'm a caretaker. I give and give with no thought for myself. I learned this from my childhood (I was abused). So, as in my childhood, I would give and give hoping for affirmation or love back. Most of the time it would be ignored, but sometimes it would be acknowledged. Same thing in my relationship with my exBPD. I did all the chores, I paid for things around the house, I paid for vacations, dinners, home improvements. I paid for 70% of the monthly mortgage/expenses. All hoping for a thank you or acknowledgement. Never got it. Same behavior. My therapist calls it 'intermittent reinforcement schedule'. It's like going to the casino and playing the slot machines. Once in a while a pay day would hit. But if you keep playing, the anticipation of hitting pay day is what is intense and leaves you wanting.

So, learning my role and why I allowed her to walk all over me with no boundaries (it felt familiar) has been key for me so I can correct this in myself so I don't repeat it in my next relationship.

I continue to work on myself everyday. I'm also in a twelve step program, so that also helps me focus on working on myself. Therapy, writing, reading, sharing with friends and family has also been critical for me.

I do think about her, but when I do, I think about the good times before we moved in together. But, I also remember that person was only part of her. I got to see all of her after we moved in together. She's not well. She rejected our therapist's diagnosis, got really mad and the situation got worse. But, that's her. I have to focus on me. I'm happy today. I get to do what I want, when I want.

Hey BrokenSpokane, You described my marriage to a pwBPD to a "T"!  Like you, I lost myself for a while there, which was not fun.  My Ex and I parted ways nine years ago, and I slowly got back to being myself.  Now I'm back on my path.  Going through the BPD crucible forced me to confront my own issues.  Learning to love and accept myself proved to be the start of my recovery.  I pretended a lot in my marriage; Now I strive to be authentic.  Your self-awareness will make a big difference, I predict, as you go forward.

LuckyJim

I would like to add that you remain attached to your ex if you have feelings for them - even negative ones.


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I think that I would feel angry if I was diagnosed by a T because they’re not doctors only a doctor can diagnose someone. That’s not really why I’m responding to this quote those, it sounds like you’re doing really well and something to take from this as well is when you’re with someone that blames everything on others then that should raise a red flag moving forward.