BPDFamily.com

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Teens-When-Say-Yes/dp/0310270456

D14 has discovered she is a teen and has been falling down on the job of giving her Dad a good parenting challenge.  I'm well aware these phases pass but figured it would be good to keep my knowledge and skills up to top notch while waiting for this to pass.

I'm done with first chapter.    I've read several other "Boundaries" books and found them very helpful.

Of note:  BPD isn't addressed in these books, so there may be places were we should balance advice with more BPD specific advice (if the teen in question has BPDish tendencies)

It's been a couple years since I've been "in" one of these books.  Enjoying it so far.

Best,

FF

Gosh how’d I’d love to ask Dr Cloud and Dr. Townsend how’d they’d write the book “Boundaries with BPD Teens”. Now that’s I book I could use! I know their approach would have to differ. We used those books with our 4 kids yet we never got the results we needed from our BPD DD or our Bipolar son.

Can you give some examples?

Best,

FF

Sure, here’s one DD had at job at 16 and we got her a used car. The first 2 times she told us she was one place, but was actually somewhere different. Before it happened again we warned her in writing and had her sign a basic rules contract that she would lose car if somewhere other than where she was allowed to be. Sure enough a week later she was going to Bible study but something told me she was lying. She was at a boys house (we tracked phone). We drove there, picked up car with second set of keys and drove it to Car Max and sold it that day. She was without a car for a year. Then she did the exact same thing a year later.

We have many many examples of even natural consequences not curbing impulsive behavior in these 2 of our kids. All the books on BPD validate that swift traditional consequences don’t work when impulses are the driving factor.
Isn’t that why we are all here seeking advice about boundaries to use w/these irregular teenagers?

That's what I found, too. My hairdresser recommended the book to me. He has a BPD ex wife and is raising his two grandchildren. He knows some of the struggles I've had with my daughter.

I also found that most of the recommendations didn't work with my BPD daughter. Now if he writes a book on boundaries for BPD teens...

What did help with my daughter, and this was before I knew she had BPD -- long story, I suspected it, psychologists said probably not, some thought it was all caused by her Lyme disease -- but what did work was a book on raising a strong-willed teen. I forget the author or exact title, and not everything applied, but for the most part, it did really help. It also stressed natural, or as near natural as possible, consequences, but it seemed like the consequences were more intense or long-lasting? I'm not sure. The main idea is to make sure your teen has learned a lesson from the consequence before adding back the desired thing/behavior. It meant my daughter was on a pretty short leash, so to speak. I became a stricter parent with her than I'd been with my son because of it. And she needed that. My son had not needed that kind of parenting.

2CC

2CC and FF
I’ve typed 3 responses that have disappeared! Ugh
How about this-My DD is Asian (adopted) and has been prejudged to be a math whiz, reliable, brillant, responsible person just bc of her ethnicity. She has been offered every single job she has applied for in person. She’s had 8 jobs starting a few days after turning 16. She is very money motivated and loves working. However, she’s been fired from her first 6 jobs for insubordination, arguing w/superiors, not following orders, being too rigid. She has 2 jobs now and is on probation at both. Each and everytime she’s been fired it’s horrible (suicidal, hospitalizations, the world is ending...). Everytime we discuss what happened, how it could have been avoided. She goes to therapy about it, too. Yet, the same things happen over and over even in completely different types of jobs. Natural consequences would change the behavior in a healthy teen.

PeaceMom,

How old is your daughter?

What is your thinking in allowing your daughter to continue doing something she is obviously not ready for?  Perhaps some sort of interim step.

Best,

FF

She’s 19. There is no allowing her to get a job. She makes these decisions for herself with no assistance from us.

Gotcha...19.  Wish her luck!

Best,

FF