BPDFamily.com

Hi everybody.

I was reading a book about BPD and it explained the importance of allowing family members and spouses to grieve for the loss of their loved one.  This has led me to find out that I am dealing with something called "ambiguous grief" or "ambiguous loss."  My wife has BPD, and her condition has deteriorated over the last year.  My spouse is still alive, but is no longer psychologically recognizable to the person I married.  It's really like the person who I married died.  This has placed me into the role of being a caretaker at a young age.

Over the last year my wife has been hospitalized 6 different times with suicidal ideation.  She experienced depression and psychosis that was not responsive to medication.  She underwent ECT Therapy with little positive results.  She underwent DBT training with all of the modules and is willing to complete part of it again.  I think her problem is she is either unable or unwilling to change her negative thinking and avoidant behavioral patterns.  She is currently unemployed on Social Security Disability.  We have looked into an adult Residential Care Facility (Adult Psychiatric Nursing Home), but she is not eligible because she does not have Medicaid.  About the only other option would be to have her go live with her parents until she can best take care of herself.  She currently is not psychotic and appears stable, but that may not last for long.

Anyway, I am really looking for advice about dealing with ambiguous grief and loss.  My favorite webpage about this is https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-and-ambiguous-loss  (https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-and-ambiguous-loss)

Some of its tips are:
1. Name your problem.
2. Practice both/and thinking.
It helps to think “both/and” rather than in the extremes of “either/or.” Instead of thinking the care recipient has to be either here or gone, think of him or her as both here and gone. This means balancing two different ideas at the same time—present, and also absent. Both/and thinking is less stressful than continuing to search for an absolutely perfect solution.
Here are some examples:
“I am both a caregiver—and a person with my own needs.”
“I take care of both him—and myself.”
“I both wish it was over—and that my loved one could keep on living.”
“I am both sad at my loved one’s illness—and joyful with my new grandchild.”
“I am both sad about my lost hopes and dreams—and happy about some new plans and goals."
Now add your own examples. “Both/and” thinking may come faster if you practice with another person.
3. Know your “family” and community information and support systems.
4. Continue—but revise—family holidays, celebrations, and rituals.
5. Revise family roles.
6. Be aware of family rules.
7. Understand that anger and guilt are normal, but avoid harmful actions.
8. It seems contradictory, but imagine something new to hope for.
9. Check on your own health.

Thanks for your support.  Do you have any other tips for dealing with ambiguous loss?  I have also thought for going for a long walk in nature and holding a "funeral" ceremony in my mind for her.  I know that sounds odd, but it may help me move on.