BPDFamily.com

A month ago my ex with BPD broke up with me. This came four days after she said I was her greatest love, that our relationship was one of the things she was most proud of and introduced me to her parents (all her idea). From the very beginning she would talk about a future together - moving in, our children, our life together. We both work in the same industry, make music and have a similar value system. I got spooked and asked her what the aim was when she was coming on so strong - she said she had never met anyone like me and had never believed in love at first sight before she met me. I accepted this. I believed it too. I mourn the loss not only of my best friend, but my partner professionally and creatively. She completed me. I am now beginning to realize I was a victim to a cycle she nor myself had any control over. Still, what I can't shake is the lack of closure to the whole situation. How can somebody treat a living, breathing person this way they used to care for in such a profound way? Was she even being authentic in those precious moments - or was she simply mirroring what she knew I needed to see to get me out of my comfort zone? She is very intelligent and calculated, so what I don't get is how she can be so unconscious and reckless with this behavior... Why isn’t she able to show an ounce of remorse or provide comfort? What did I trigger? Why is there no real reason given for the break-up? She is already on dating apps - like, how can she just move on like nothing happened?

Although I am beginning to exit the hell I was initially living in those first few weeks, I still feel so empty - I miss her and can’t imagine life without her. Literally over night the person I loved most in the world disappeared before my very eyes into someone heartless, cruel and unreachable. She cited me not responding to texts fast enough for the reason for our breakup. She said she "lives in a black and white world and when [she] makes up her mind it's over." There was no discussion. She blamed me for her self-harm - which I was constantly monitoring and caring for. She said I wasn't there enough even though I was on call 24/7 and neglecting my friendships and work commitments to be there. I was so shocked when she broke up with me that I sobbed and she couldn't even put a hand on me. This person that a week before was telling everyone how excited she was to marry me, kissing me on every street corner, was now telling me it was over without a discussion, just a complete discard. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. She built me up so high, made me believe, pulled me out of my shell, then just threw me off the ledge.

The night terrors have subsided but when I am not busy my thoughts are still entirely consumed by her. Mornings are the worst. I can't get out of bed. I have muted her on instagram but still peek from time to time. Her friends deleted me from group chats. The same friends that were telling me "you are the best thing to happen to her, I'm hoping she doesn't mess this up" We also used to share spotify playlists and I can see her posting sad, remorseful songs... It's validating on one hand, but it's also insanely confusing. What are you mourning? - YOU left me.

I realize due to my past I have co-dependent tendencies and am mourning the loss of something quite unhealthy and someone that was never going to be healthy (she was un-treated). As a means to cope I started composing a letter that I later sent to her (I'm an artist so the thing that hurt the most was not being given the opportunity to express myself in the end). I basically outlined the plethora of good times and said I was grateful and see you and recognize the world of pain you're in due to your fears and I will never understand the extent of it but want to hold your hand through it. It was lengthy letter that came from a place of compassion, rather than the anger (which I'm probably still denying). She responded in the most impersonal manner. No punctuation. Simply said she appreciated the letter and thought I was an amazing person and she'd like to get coffee and be friends. Congratulated me on a work accomplishment. I never wrote back.

Not sure what I am seeking on this forum other than to know I am not alone and gather some proven tools to move my life forward and speed up the healing process. I am hyper productive and ambitious and just feel like I've lost my light, my will to live. I don't enjoy anything I used to enjoy doing. I have a therapist I am talking to but it doesn't feel like it's working. I have performed a lot of research on this disorder and watched a lot of youtube videos - all in an effort to make sense. Still, I am missing concrete steps for healing. Honestly, I have never encountered a hurtle like this in my life and the constant turmoil is almost unbearable. I never felt love like that. I never let my guard down. It was like a short circuit. The Cognitive Dissonance is real. My mind just races with the good times and the trauma of the person I sat with that last day. How do you stop the fixation? And - maybe this is false hope - how do you repair a relationship with pwBPD? We share a lot of work together so I will eventually have to interact with her.

Thx for your time, and for this community~

Left,
This all sounds very familiar to me. I thought I had found my person and she had found me, and all felt so magical and good. She inspired me to create art, and to write, and be in love with life.
The part about not responding to txts fast enough and taking care after self-harming, I also experienced... these are obviously red flags, but we're lost in them by this point.
I would say it's nothing you did to cause the abrupt flip in her head, but rather something coming from inside her. This is what I like to think of as the abyss, the echoing hole inside us that is just a reflection of ourselves. This brings me to what helps me to heal today. I know this might be hard to see right now, but when I look back - I have to understand that I thought she was seeing me, but really she was seeing what she wanted to see. I find that PwBPD have an echo in their abyss of "he's going to leave me. They're all going to leave me. He wants someone else (and so forth)" so when they get too emotionally close, they can't take it anymore, and ruin the whole thing for self preservation. The lack of closure is common, and also part of what makes getting over it so hard. I would try to stay away from the word "victim." It's a badge they love to wear, but it just doesn't seem helpful in any sense to me.
Trying to understand a BPD mind from a non-BPD mind is probably a futile thing. A HUGE thing that has helped me is meditation, to get rid of the ruminating thoughts spinning around and round. I do still see a therapist once a week, and it helps. Just focus on you. Get your heart back in sync.
It sounds like you're doing the right things, but you will move at your own pace - don't be hard on yourself.

love & warmth

This makes a lot of sense. It's hard to fathom the level of sabotage that occurs - choosing a life of self-imposed bondage because it's simply the only way to remain fully in control, and then not being able to trust anyone because you can't even trust yourself. Feels like a total projection. Sad really... I appreciate the insights and will definitely take your lead on incorporating more meditation and self-compassion.

A lot of this resonates with me. My ex and I are both artists and created together. It felt like we found each other and that made us very happy. But she spent the whole relationship jealous. Then broke it off with me, but it wasn't as clean as your breakup. She kept talking to me, texting, emailing. She created multiple instagram account to watch my stories. It's been two months since we broke up and I'm not over her, and not sure if she's over me, but I also don't know if it makes sense to go back because so many things were toxic in that relationship.

But to your point - I've never been this hung up over someone I dated briefly. Two months after and it feels just as fresh as the first day. Like you, some of it has to do with my codependency and OCD, but my therapist said that she thinks it's my ex's BPD that probably is making it harder than it's been in the past.

My advice, if you want to get over her, is to keep not being in contact with her and don't watch her social media. It'll only make you feel worse. Fill up your time with things you love doing. See friends. Go on dates even. I know this is all easier said than done, and I don't even follow my own advice. Good luck!

Stay strong! - I'm telling you that in the way I'm telling myself. Hoping for all of our sake that healing is at the end of this tunnel and lessons in what to look out for next time around. Not sure what is worst - feeling like I'm screaming into a well or you having an ongoing dialogue to deal with.

re: dating - I actually went on one date and it was a total disaster. The person was so dull in comparison, so I left feeling discouraged. Will give it some more time... Honestly, hoping I haven't been ruined by the rollercoaster of love-bombing/ idealization. Those first few months with her were the best of my life, then to compare it to the egg shells I was walking on in the end. It's like night and day. Beginning to realize I'm mourning a person that was never really there to begin with.

I know how you feel. I went on two dates with someone and they went well, but I also thought my date was dull. Not sure if I'm comparing to my ex, though. I definitely still think that there's not going to be anyone else like my ex again. She ticked all the boxes for me, but then came in the jealousy, splitting and anger, devaluing. I wonder if the thinking that there's not going to be someone else like her stems from issues with self-esteem?

Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know that other people are in the same boat. I'm glad you are at a place where you understand that you are mourning a person who was never really there. I'm not quite there yet.

I struggle with the same thought process. I don't want to jump to conclusions and say it's low self-esteem, but I do think it's a matter of accepting how destructive it is to equate love with pain - somewhere along the way that was programmed, maybe through upbringing, and it's not ok. Healthy doesn't need to be boring. I like you doubt I'll ever find someone who will measure up in the countless ways she did, but with those high highs came lows in the form of severe manipulation. The highs were just the carrot. What is worse? - being bored or being enslaved? Also, does that mean the stability itself is what we find boring? ...We can be cognizant of what's happening but it doesn't change the way we feel. I know psychologically the person I loved disappeared, but I still hope she comes back. Perhaps that's false hope. But hey! - I'm a dreamer. I guess the key is just not to hold my breath on that one.

I agree. Relationships can be healthy and exciting. I was in a few that felt like that. Of course the initial excitement of the beginning stages eventually wears off, but that's true with any relationship, with pwBPD too.


For me part of that is that as an artist I want to date someone who's also an artist, and not only that, but an artist whose art intersects with mine. It feels really good when the person I date is as involved in what I do as I am. It sparks an immediate connection. So I know that's something that definitely holds me back - will I find someone else who's as talented as my ex? Who is into all the same things that I am?

I also wonder if the non-BPD people reflect back the idealization, or maybe the people who are really affected by pwBPD are ones who also idealize. I say that because every post in this forum, and everything else I read online, follows the same pattern. The non-BPD person feels like they found that perfect someone who was missing from their romantic life. It is almost always instant infatuation/falling in love. It's never about how someone was lukewarm about the pwBPD. We absolutely idealize them.

But then when their darker side shows up, we don't devalue them, because we understand that humans are complex. We think that maybe something was a misunderstanding, maybe our SO is just jealous, maybe it's how we communicate. We make excuses for the bad behavior while still holding onto the idealized view we have of them. I think that's why it's so hard for us to let go. We idealize without devaluing. In fact, once I realized that my ex most likely has BPD, it made me forgive all her manipulative behavior, because I understood that in a way it's not in her control.



This is so true. I can rationally understand what's going on and be aware that going back to this relationship will be bad for me, but emotionally I still want back. It's a trip.

I completely forgive mine because I know it's out of her control, but it's a sad situation,
and I'm reminded everyday,
like Jeff Buckely said "She's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."

Maybe, again because the highs were so high, I can honestly say in my case the excitement never wore off - but that's probably because it went from pure bliss to navigating illusive non-issues. Never a dull moment. I think that's what is missing/ I crave in "healthy" relationships: the drama and the intellectual chess. It keeps you on your toes and challenging your truths.


This is the fear that keeps me up at night. Not only was the initial spark intoxicating, but it became so potent and inspiring. I know she is super talented, I know she has denied that in the past, and I know as a result of the BPD she played up those parts for me - she reflected what I needed to see / spoke my language and it was beautiful.


I think you hit the nail on the head. There is a pattern here and everyone in a relationship with a pwBPD falls victim. It's dehumanizing in a way. It felt different, it worked different, we felt special - I can say I 100% followed her lead and reflected back the same idealization. I would perform the most romantic gestures to meet her there because she created a space for that. It was our language. I thought she would see me as special. In the end, we can make excuses and think our situation is different. But in turn, it's almost like we're just as bad as them - not accepting the cycle of behavior for what it is, plugging into our false reality. We were game to buy into the fairy tale. I still am if I'm being honest.


I did the same thing. I was in so deep I just kept making excuses. This is also around the time she exposed her self-harm so I kept justifying it with "this person is so sick and emotionally fragile" I wanted to help her. I have a darker side too, so I felt a kinship. Unfortunately, we aren't the ones suffering from a personality disorder so we have empathy. I can even remember when she would get jealous or voice a fear that I was leaving and I would say, "I'm not going anywhere unless you make it very clear you don't want me around." She would say the same to me. The difference was I meant it, I was being genuine. The thing I struggle with still is was she? - During those first months of idealization was she really idealizing me or an idea of me? Part of me is jealous she can just devalue and discard and move on. We're stuck here still living it.

I think it's possible to be in a healthy relationship with someone who challenges you and your truths. There's a difference between that and when someone is trying to control you with manipulation. I think that's the whole point - nonBPD people can be with someone and argue and disagree and be challenged, but love them just the same. It's harder for people with BPD, because their worldview is so black and white.


This is true of anyone, pwBPD and nonBPD people. When you just meet someone and only know them for a few months - do you idealize an idea of them or do you actually idealize them? You don't really know people until you've spent a lot of time with them. You sort of need to test the relationship and go through thick and thin before you can really tell if someone is the right person for you. Of course when you just meet someone and it's going well you will idealize them - you're only seeing the good things, because that's what they're showing. That's what you're showing too.But true love is not built on idealization that comes in the first few months alone. That's some of it. You need to have that at the base because you want to be excited about the person you're with, but for a relationship to last there needs to be more. Mutual respect, understanding, support, good communication and knowing how to resolve arguments and disputes, stability.

Also, I'm not a mental health professional (are there any who post here?), but my understanding is that she was genuine, but her disorder has very complex defense mechanisms. At some point the fear of abandonment got the best of her and she started devaluing you and severed the relationship so that you won't be the one to end it. It sounds like this stuff is not even done consciously. Also, people with BPD seem to have a spectrum of how they handle relationships. Your ex devalued you and moved on. Mine devalued me but didn't move on, at least not until a couple of weeks ago. There really seems to be a wide range of behavior in relationships for people with BPD. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, and I still hold onto that idealized view and that maybe my ex and I can work through these issues, that maybe she can be a good and supportive partner. It's a pretty confusing situation, and it's hard to stay wholly rational. I find myself letting my emotions take over.

Hi Leftword

It happened to me a month and a half ago. Saturday morning shes messaging she loves me, Sunday Im dumped then ghosted.

You ask if her feelings were true. The sad truth is they probably were. Have a read on fear of intimacy and you should see her behaviour. When we get to close to them they panic. Even though at the beginning of the relationship we are what they want as it progresses they start to see alternative endings. These build up until the happy ending is lost amongst the others she has created. They convince themselves it will end so they finish it before theyre even more emotionally invested. After all who could love someone as unlovable as them.

As for the online dating its just a way of putting you behind her so she isn't reminded of what shes lost.

Its sad as so many people go through this.

EM

I am so very sorry for your loss! You put a lot of authentic time and authentic work into that relationship. Your significant other evidently put a lot of time and work into that relationship, although it was not authentic. It is no wonder why you are grieving what you had and what you felt you both were going to have.

It is important to find yourself to feel better. By being on this website and by having therapy, you are in the process of healing from the grief that she caused you.

Overall, please be gentle and patient with yourself!

You're right. It simply would not have worked because the communication was inherently toxic. I can remember in the end I was literally printing conflict resolution worksheets for us to do and she was deflecting in any way she could, projecting false narratives, completely resistant to any method where she wouldn't have the upper hand. It got to the point where conversations we would have 5 minutes prior would be so misquoted and misconstrued to a point I would stop and be like 'that is not what happened here you have to recognize the facts and the way your brain is misinterpreting the information.' It was the most insane thing to witness. And she's so smart! But she always had to be right - there was no give, no recognition. I'm not perfect, but atleast I've done enough therapy to take responsibility and learn to let go of the ego of it all. Luckily for that reason we never got into full on fights, but it was still mentally taxing. Long drawn out debates based on semantics. In the end I was apologizing for things I didn't even do. But in her eyes she was the real victim.

Thank you for the kind words Simon. I'm still grieving what could have been because we were so close to it and had the capacity for it - if we could just stay in that good space. I'm trying to find my strength again, and this forum is definitely helping make sense of it all. Taking everyone's advice to heart. Best of luck to you in your own relationship!

Spot on. I remember she would say things in the very beginning like "you are my favorite person," "I can't imagine life without you," "I have been waiting for you..." We were building and getting deeper in the relationship. And then it was like a fog drifted in and all the sudden she was vocalizing this overwhelming paranoia. Like I said earlier, I was even apologizing for things I didn't do. One of our last arguments was about her 'needing a partner that is always there' and because I went to the gym before coming home I wasn't 'there for her' I had 'made the gym a priority over her.' It made no sense. I was having to apologize for going to work. The worst thing is I could see the two versions of her in constant conflict: The one continuing to move us along, tell people we were getting married, send me love letters, write me songs, buy matching jewelry and introduce me to her parents. Then the one that was just terrified and blaming me for creating the anxiety she was feeling. She just couldn't handle it. She would rather be alone than feel that way. It breaks my heart because she was such a strong force of expression and passion, she had so much love to give - it's like her mind can't come to terms with trust. She'd rather be out of love than in love because that she can alteast control.