BPDFamily.com

My wife with BPD will have weeks of everything being fine then something will set her off and she becomes so angry at me for pretty much no reason. She will leave the house and go somewhere and just start texting me long paragraphs of awful things. Saying I do things or act ways that are so off base that it’s almost ridiculous. Things like I want everyone to bow to me like I am royalty, that everyone thinks I am perfect (um no) but she knows the real me and that I’m awful human and she is going to expose me to everyone (my parents, my boss, etc.)

Now most of the time things are good and these episodes come out of nowhere which is totally blindsiding.

I have taken her therapists guidance and do not engage when this is going on but it’s hard, she so badly wants to fight in the worst way.

Hi Lgdmb! Welcome to the family! :hi:

You've come to the right place. We have a lot of experience here and a lot of tools that can help you. Or, if you just want to vent to people who understand, we're here for that too.

I know what you mean about something setting someone off. My H doesn't do this at me anymore, but he does throw out the threat of exposing other people to the world at large (often members of my family) when he feels they've "done him wrong."

Can you describe a recent instance of something setting her off? When we have more details, it's easier for us to get a handle on the situation and maybe offer some insight or advice.

Thank you! Most recently suggesting that maybe ordering our groceries through amazon would save time (it will take her 3 plus hours to shop a short list in store) and allow us more family times which is what she has expressed wanting. Well that turned into that I think I’m perfect and can do everything better than her. Which then turned into hours of how I’m vindictive and try to point out her weaknesses to the world.

You really never know what will turn things bad. Thank you for listening.

I've been there! :hug:

One thing I've really learned here is that what I say and the way I say it can have a big impact in my H. And that what I think I'm saying isn't often what he thinks I'm saying.

For instance, pwBPD can be hyper-sensitive to criticism. Even something we don't think of as criticism, they can take it that way. Do you think there's any way she may have detected any blaming in what you said or how you said it? To a rational mind, there probably wasn't any blame in there. But someone hyper-sensitive? Sometimes subtle changes in tone or wording can make a world of difference.

Not saying it's your fault. Not at all. But sometimes, we inadvertently make things worse. Believe me. I've done plenty of that! :(

Hours of raging/lashing out/blaming? Been there. And it's awful. But sitting and listening to that doesn't do you or your relationship any good.

What do you usually do when the hours-long rants go on?

When you sense her ramping up, is there any way you can nip it in the bud and exit the conversation? Saying something along the lines of, "Babe, I can see this is really important to you. It's important to me, too, and you've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to go for a walk/get a cup of coffee/wash my car and mull it over. Then I'll come back and we can talk about it." Exiting the situation often gives our loved ones a chance to come back to baseline.

Is that something you think might work? Or can you think of something that might work?

Also, here are a couple of articles that might be helpful to you (they were to me). I hope you'll take a look when you have time and feel like it:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating