BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I'm looking for advice or any experiences in the following:

My wife is uBPD but is seeing a counsellor about depression and anxiety. My counsellor (I'm now discharged) told me that my wife's counsellor should be sufficiently skilled in identifying BPD. However my wife is only having CBT.

My wife's behaviour and ability to control mood has been going downhill over the past year and there has been a notable effect on our children (6 and 10). Some examples of behaviour (though there are many more) have been telling both children of suicide plans, pushing one child out the way to hug the other and tell them that they are the favourite. Pulling one child's hair (still not clear if an accident or not but cannot prove one way or the other). Rage to the extent that children run off saying 'mummy is angry', constant put downs about appearance (even though just about brushing hair it becomes 'you look like cr@p but in stronger terms).

This has led to getting both children counselling, this has not been well received by my wife and she refuses to engage but has not blocked it.

Their counsellor has said that we need a diagnosis for my wife and she needs to engage in the children's counselling. I also think that a diagnosis is needed so that my wife can get DBT. I'm also concerned that if things don't work out then we have to share custody and as she is undiagnosed and with current behaviour both I and the counsellor think this would not be in the best interest of the children (if she gets treatment and is stable then co-parenting would be ideal as it is a huge benefit for the children to have their mother in their lives in a positive way)

I know the whole issue with it not being down to me to diagnose (for all the reasons) but I'm struggling to encourage her to consider DBT or get a diagnosis so she knows what is wrong and can address it (eg if you don't know what is wrong then you cannot apply the right process to manage it).

We discussed it recently but it came down to her accusing me of trying to make her think she is mad or I'm trying to take the children etc. She also says she doesn't like labels. 

Has anyone had to deal with getting someone to get assessed? I had thought of suggesting that her mother has BPD and getting her to read about that (we and my wife's counsellor think that her mother displays narcissistic tenancies so this would not be too big a jump and out the blue). However, my wife is not one for reading but she may discuss this with her counsellor.

Has your children's counselor been able to communicate with your wife's counselor?

Do you know anything about your wife's counselor and if she/he has any experience with personality disorders?

A lot of times therapists who suspect BPD in their clients will steer clear of telling the patient the diagnosis because it may not be well-received, and may even cause the patient to "split" the therapist and discontinue therapy.

It's hard to know what to do without knowing what your wife's T's thoughts are and what is really going on in her counseling. BPD's are known for not being completely honest and truthful about their own behaviors with their therapists.

How much does your children's T know about BPD? Has this T given any suggestions for how to get your wife involved in the children's counseling?

Incidentally, if you have questions about custody in the event that you do separate one day, the Family Law board is a great place to get feedback and advice on that. Most of the members over there say that behaviors count more towards determining custody and time spent with the children than a diagnosis.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0)

Thanks for the reply and there hasn't been any contact between our children's counsellor and my wife's. I'm not sure if that would be something that could be done in the UK without express authority or a safeguarding issue (but probably not allowable based on suspicion).

My wife's counsellor appears to be well qualified but don't know if she had dealt with BPD. She did make a referral to our local mental health team after one session so I'm guessing that she should know her limits. Our children's counsellor has seen a breakdown and immediately raised concerns that this is serious and the children need continued support to mitigate the risk - hence the concern over a diagnosis. She has experience of this and court processes but raised the concern that any split, if it happens would be 50 / 50 at best for me and that leaves our children at risk. No suggestions as yet but due a meeting soon so will be a key question.

Thanks for the latter point and will keep an eye on that section